Let’s start with the good things.
Christmas! Christmas was possibly the most chaotic Christmas I’ve experienced in my life.
While we resigned ourselves to the fact that we would not be fully moving into our new home until after Christmas, the days surrounding Christmas were filled with packing, moving, unpacking… and repeat. It’s not the way I would’ve preferred to spend our holiday season and while Ryan and I felt like we had serious FOMO thinking about the handful of favorite holiday activities and traditions we let fall to the wayside this year, Chase, Ryder and Rhett could not have cared less and reminded us for the one millionth time what is truly important. All of us. Together. Wherever that may be.
Christmas morning was absolutely wonderful and there’s something so deeply special about celebrating Christmas with children. The magic is amplified, their excitement is contagious and nostalgia comes at you in waves as you watch them tear through gifts, play in their pajamas for days on end and eat way too much sugar.
My mom and dad came in town on Christmas and arrived in time for Christmas dinner. You guys know how much my parents mean to me and my love and appreciation for them only grows each year. They truly made the move into our new home possible not only with their help with the boys but with the way they arrived ready to roll up their sleeves, assist with packing and even some heavy lifting. I think Ryan and I thanked them 100 times and I know that still isn’t enough.
On the topic of my parents, one of the lows our family experienced this holiday season relates to my dad’s prostate cancer. Let me begin this update by saying he is okay and I fully believe he will continue to be okay for years and years to come.
A few weeks ago, following yet another biopsy, we got news that the cancer cells in my dad’s prostate were growing and “active surveillance” was no longer the recommended course of action. Having talked to a handful of men who have remained in the “active surveillance” stage of prostate cancer for a long time (years!) with slow-growing prostate cancer, this is where we hoped my dad would remain but it looks like he will be undergoing surgery at the end of the month instead. His surgeon is wonderful and my dad and mom feel confident in his abilities. I do, too. I also know prostate cancer is something many, many men experience and overcome later in life and I have immense faith my dad will be okay.
My parents’ visit was also clouded over by news Ryan and I were keeping close to our hearts. I was pregnant again.
I was eight weeks pregnant and already had one good ultrasound at six weeks. With another ultrasound on the calendar during the week between Christmas and New Years we were hoping for good news but something deep within my gut told me things were not okay with our baby.
We have three incredible boys who light up our lives and are our absolute biggest blessings but despite this fact, it is impossible for me to take a pregnancy test and not think about the babies we have lost. I’ve now been pregnant seven times. When I found out I was pregnant again in November, I immediately thought about our miscarriages. Positive pregnancy tests in our house come along with a swirling mix of excitement, fear, hope and a lot of anxiety.
Given our history, my doctor was wonderful about scheduling early exams and early ultrasounds. Our six week ultrasound looked good. I was told to come back at 8 weeks but about a week before my appointment, I felt anxiety mix with instinct in my gut and knew something was not right. I did not experience any cramping or bleeding but all of my miscarriages have been missed miscarriages (no bleeding or outward signs of loss) so this did not do anything to reassure me. My lack of symptoms other than bloating had me arriving at my appointment expecting the worst.
I gave this pregnancy to God from the very beginning. My prayer as I awaited my ultrasound last week was for God to let this pregnancy be done early if it was not meant to be. Of course I also prayed for a healthy baby but I felt such an overwhelming sense that things were not okay. I found myself asking God for it all to be over if that was where things were headed because I’ve been through 2+ weeks of waiting for confirmation of a loss I knew was a loss in between my pregnancies with Rhett and Ryder and it was so heartbreakingly painful. I just wanted to know.
Despite confirmation of what I knew in my heart — we lost our baby — I wasn’t prepared for the sadness that followed. I thought I prepared myself but as the next few days passed, the sadness grew. I almost forgot how hard it is to see pregnant women and babies when you’re in the midst of miscarrying. I almost forgot how it feels like an excruciating sting when you see the first… and then the second… and then the third pregnancy announcement when you’re still bleeding. (Turns out New Years Day is a verrry popular day to announce a pregnancy.) I almost forgot about the pain of the “should bes” and “could bes” and “whys” that come in unexpected waves after a loss.
Part of me was going to keep this to myself. Truthfully, I am one million percent aware of the fact that I have three incredible children at home, something I know many in the throws of infertility and loss would give anything to have, and so please know I share this news with you guys not for sympathy but to be honest and transparent and share what is hurting my heart right now. Ryan and I have been through this before and we are okay.
I think one of the most painful aspects of this loss is the fact that this very, very likely may be the end of our journey to grow our family. My heart cannot take this anymore. We’ve lost more babies than we have at this point which only serves as the most poignant reminder to me how insanely lucky we are to have our boys. I’ve been hugging and kissing and loving on my babies with an even deeper sense of gratitude. My heart is feeling the most intense swirl of emotions right now.
We’ve had several days to make our way through our feelings and I’m very much looking forward to the distraction that comes along with normalcy, routines, school and blogging. I’m ready to talk with you guys again. I’m ready to feel my grief when it comes but lean into the joy I have around me.
I truly hope your 2023 is off to an incredible start. If your new year isn’t beginning in quite the way you hoped or imagined, I am with you. My heart is heavy with you and I’m hoping with each day that passes in 2023, a little more sunshine comes your way.
Thank you for making my blog a part of your life and for giving me a small place on the internet where I feel comfortable sharing way too many words about what is on my heart. You guys have always made me feel so incredibly loved and supported. When I think about our previous losses, I truly think of all of you and the stories you shared with me and the love you poured out to me when I think about how I made it through that heartache. Your comments and kindness make such a difference to me and I appreciate you so, so much.
I’m sending every single one of you best wishes for a wonderful 2023. I hope your new year is filled joy, immense peace, good news and so many blessings. Thank you for being a blessing to me.
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Oh Julie! Thank you for sharing. what an emotional roller-coaster. Sending you and your family love and prayers.
So sorry to hear about your loss and your dad’s need for surgery. I’m glad you are getting settled into your new house and that the boys had a good Christmas. Life can be a lot all at once sometimes, can’t it. Sending prayers for comfort.
Julie, my thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
Julie,
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry about your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.
Praying for you and your family and that sweet baby ❤️
I’m am so sorry for your loss, Julie. No matter the number of kids you have, a life lost is heavy and the grief is real. Especially around the holidays and stress of moving, that feeling would be so overwhelming. You love your boys so well and you love these little lives also. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your sweet words, Carly. I appreciate them so much. My doctor said something similar when I felt like I was almost trying to downplay the loss because I know how lucky we are to have three children. It still hurts. Thank you for your kindness, compassion and understanding and for taking the time to share your words with me.
I hate this for you so much – sending so much love xx
❤️❤️❤️
There are no words to adequately respond, but I’m just so, so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I really hope that all of you will be able to spend time resting, recovering, and grieving together.
I am so, so sorry Julie. I had one miscarriage between my two boys. It took a full year of trying (plus the loss and the recovery) to be pregnant with my second son. I will never forget a woman at the hospital saying (when my son was less than 24 hours old), “Will you try for a girl?” I spoke the truth and said, “No. It took me a year to get pregnant with him. I had a miscarriage and it was so horrible and I could never go through that again.” Inside my head I think I was screaming, “Do you see this baby? He is perfect and precious and enough!” After experiencing some postpartum anxiety and depression, I did four years of therapy (going every one to six weeks) and one of many things we worked through was the comments people make about my family. I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything. My youngest is Chase’s age and has autism and I am certain he is my soul mate. It took a lot of mental processing, and I will never fully be healed from my miscarriage, but I feel very at peace now. I’m sorry this turned into a bit of an over share but I have been reading your blog for over 7 years, and consider you a friend in a way! (Is that weird?!) I am sending peace and love your way and lots of prayers to your dad! I think your family is absolutely amazing and beautiful and I think you are one of the bravest women I know. Thank you for sharing your heart with us and both the highs and the lows.
Oh Julie, I am wrapping your heart in love in a HUGE way. Through the many years of reading your blog I have seen you go through this so many times and my heart is hurting for you. I will be praying for your Dad’s health as well. Sending you lots of love and hugs XO
It feels like words just aren’t enough, but sending you love and support.
sending so much love julie. miscarriages are the hardest thing i have been through. try to remember it’s okay to feel however you feel for as long as you need. thank you for sharing. one of the things that’s helped me most in going through loss is being reminded i’m not alone.
Julie, I am so sorry for your family’s loss. My prayer is that you feel wrapped in love from not only them, but this community, which you have touched so deeply. You’ve been there for me during losses before and I know I’m not alone in that. I pray you feel less alone in your loss today as well. xo
Julie, I am so sorry for you and Ryan, and your family. Your boys are beautiful but my heart still breaks for y’all over this loss <3
CS Lewis' book A Grief Observed has always been a helpful book to me in times of grieving.
Hi, Julie. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, especially amid the stress of moving and your dad’s illness. I want to thank you for being so open and vulnerable. Reading about your experiences over the years has helped me navigate my own recurrent miscarriages, and coming from someone who doesn’t have any children, you 100% deserve to feel all of the grief and sadness that you’re feeling. Your grief is valid, no matter how many healthy children you have. Sending you so much love. 💗
I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. Your family will be in my thoughts. I know what it’s like to live far (both of our families are in NC and we live in St. Louis). My Dad was recently in the ICU for six weeks and is now in acute rehab post-heart attack and stroke (with no risks for either). It is gut-wrenching. With two small children, I feel so pulled in all directions. Hang in there 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Thank you for sharing, it’s so important to talk about and you bring comfort to so many by doing so. It doesn’t matter how many children you have or how many miscarriages you’ve had, you’re allowed to feel immense grief and sadness and just feel however you feel. Someone else can always hurt more or be in a worse situation, but that doesn’t take away from the hurt and pain of what you’re living through right now.
Oh Julie, my heart goes out to you. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing about it. I can feel your sorrow through your words and saying, “I’m sorry” feels so lacking. No matter how many children you have or how happy you are with your current family, a loss is a loss and my heart breaks for you.
Sending big virtual hugs!
Julie, I’m so sorry about your dad, and I can only imagine how hard that news would feel coupled with the pregnancy loss and the end of your journey to grow your family. I hope you are giving yourself space to grieve all of this; I’m thinking of you and Ryan and sending you lots of warm thoughts right now.
I’m so so sorry to hear about your loss. It doesn’t matter how many children you have or how many times you’ve been through it, it still hurts. It still matters and being there before doesn’t make it easier. I’ve also been pregnant 7 times and hold more babies in my heart than my arms. After my last miscarriage, I went through the additional grief too of accepting there wouldn’t be another baby because my husband was done and I didn’t know how I could possibly survive another loss or even handle the anxiety of pregnancy. However God works in mysterious ways and a few days after having the “we’re really done” conversation (about 4 months after my miscarriage because I had a really hard time accepting it), we found we were expecting again and will welcome our third boy in April. I truly hope that’s not insensitive to share and I apologize if it is; I just want to remind you to hold strong in your faith in God and remember that we never can know what will happen next. I’m sending you so much love and prayers for your dad as well.
So sorry that you have to go through this rough time. Loss is loss- it doesn’t matter how many children you already have. You love them all. Thanks for your openness and sharing. ♥️
I came to say the exact same thing. Thinking of your family, Julie!
Sweet Julie–I am holding space for you, your family, and ALL of your babies today <3
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry 🥺 You are such an incredible mom, to your sweet boys on earth & to your babies in Heaven 🤍 I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you sharing with us, your past posts about loss have brought me so much comfort as I’ve navigated the rollercoaster of grief of 3 losses this year. I never fully comprehended the immense grief of a miscarriage until I experienced it myself, and your words have helped me feel less alone. You are truly a light in this space and I hope all of the supportive comments today help bring you comfort.
Praying for peace & healing for you, Ryan, your sweet family, and your dad 💛
Sending you prayers.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been in your shoes and it was hard for me to end our family building journey on a loss, but I hope you feel peace with wherever you end up. <3
Life is both beautiful and filled with sorrow at the same time. Give yourself all the grace you need to feel your grief and to look ahead. Sending so much love and strength for all that life brings in 2023.
Oh Julie, I am so, so sorry. This was heartbreaking to read and I hope you’ll find some comfort in all the prayers surrounding you. I’ve been a reader for a long time and I know your road hasn’t been easy, in fact I’ve found comfort in reading your experiences throughout my four own miscarriages and knowing that I’m not alone. I hate that you are experiencing this again and please take whatever you time you need to grieve your baby.
Sending you so much love and healing thoughts.
I’ve had several miscarriages between 4-10 weeks pregnant. Found out I had mthfr which was causing blood clotting issues. Have you checked into this?
Honestly I am not sure — I did a big panel of blood work following our second loss that apparently tested for a lot of traditional issues that can be linked to miscarriage and everything came back okay but my doctor did say it’s worth doing some genetic testing should we decide we want to have another baby. Right now I’m thinking that will not be the case but it would be nice to have some concrete answers. The only answers we have followed our second loss when we found out our baby girl had Turners Syndrome which our doctor explained is not something that is typically inherited from the parents.
I am so very sorry!
Prayers for continued healing and peace.
Oh I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my fourth pregnancy after having my three children, and I almost couldn’t believe the amount of grief I felt. A loss of a precious life is very very devastating, even if you already have been blessed with healthy children… don’t at all feel guilty for the feelings that you’re feeling. I pray this new year brings you and your family peace that surpasses all understanding.
I’m so sorry you understand how much this can hurt. Thank you for your kindness Mimi
Julie, so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family and prays that your dad’s upcoming surgery goes well.
I’m so sorry for your loss. We had our first pregnancy end in miscarriage in September (also a missed miscarriages- we didn’t find out until our 12 week appointment). We are now pregnant again, and while we saw a healthy heartbeat/growth on Friday – I’m still very anxious.
Thinking of you — the anxiety that follows even a healthy pregnancy after miscarriage can be so hard. I’m so glad your last appointment was a good one and hope you can find a little bit of peace during your pregnancy ❤️❤️
Julie, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your words have helped bring comfort to so many others, myself included. While I know that there is nothing that can be said to make things “better”, please know that I am sending so many prayers for you and your family.
Thank you ❤️
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of a sweet baby and to hear of your other news. Praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry—the holidays can be a time filled with so much joy & excitement, but so much grief to begin with, even before heavier news. It can be such a confusing time & I’m sure even more so when you’re moving (& just simply trying to give the boys the best holiday ever!) My thoughts are with you & your family. I hope your hearts can heal <3
I am so very sorry for your loss 💔. Prayers and hugs to you.
I’m so sorry, Julie. I know how much your family means to you & this loss & the health of your sweet Dad are big blows. Sending lots of love your way.
Sending you and your family so much love, Julie.
Julie, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I wish there was a way to make it better, but just know I’m sending lots of love and prayers your way. Your blog is such a blessing, and I’m hoping 2023 is filled with lots of special memories and blessings for you and your family. Thank you for being so open.
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie and Ryan. Thinking of you.
Hi Julie – my heart is breaking for you right now. I hope that this isn’t too insensitive now, but wanted to share that just in case you do decide that you aren’t ready to stop, I wanted to let you know that -after several painful losses but also with three living babies so feeling kind of guilty for feeling so sad and for so intensely wanting one more – I met with both a fertility specialist and an mfm (one of my losses was a stillbirth). The fertility specialist was going to do some special ultrasounds of my uterus to see if there was scarring that was keeping me from growing babies healthily, and the mfm ended up prescribing a couple of blood thinners (baby aspirin and lovenox).
We knew we weren’t interested in ivf or creating/testing embryos, so I had originally thought there was nothing an RE could do to help us. I’m glad, though, that my OB ended up suggesting it.
Julie I have followed your blog forever. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It doesn’t matter how many babies you have, loss still hurts. Sending love and support to your family and for your father’s continued health.
Julie I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and Ryan 💗
Sending hugs and prayers to you and your sweet family. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your heart and family with us. I know saying the words aloud and writing them down are huge steps in the acceptance phase that is not easy without an immense amount of heartache. I’m going to be 37 in February and my husband and I have been unsuccessfully trying for the last year for my first (his second) (it’s been even harder with his work travel to really try every month). I just found out I have abnormal cells on my cervix which I’m not scheduled to have removed until Valentine’s Day….3 days before my 37th birthday. They say recovery can take up to 6 months before you should start trying. My husband turns 43 this week. My husband is the only one who knows any of this. And I’m struggling hard to want to keep trying after my procedure. I’m trying hard to have faith and trust that God has bigger plans and if it’s in the cards for us. But like you said – there’s only so much our hearts can manage when the pain, heartbreak, and disappointment time and time again are telling us otherwise. Squeeze your kiddos tight. Sending so much love your way from a blog follower of yours for ~15 years!
Julie, so sorry for your loss. Praying for your family! I really enjoy your blog partly because we have three boys very similar in age to yours. There is nothing like it!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. I know it is its own unique situation, and I pray for God’s peace and comfort to surround you and Ryan.
My FIL had prostate cancer several years ago, and ended up having his prostate removed. He is not what we could call the pinnacle of health (heavy smoker, mild drinker, not super active), but he came through with flying colors. Your dad seems to be very healthy and active, so I believe whatever to doctors have recommended he’ll come through as well. I’ll be praying for him as well.
Oh Julie I am so sorry to hear about your precious seventh baby! Reading your posts helped me so much with my own miscarriage 4 years ago and I am walking with a friend going through a missed miscarriage right now as well – I feel equipped to talk to her because of all you’ve shared. Praying for your family big-time now!