Peanut Butter Fingers

It’s been three days since we said goodbye to Sadie. Three days of puffy eyes. Three days of thinking I see Sadie everywhere. Three days of smiling when we talk about her only to burst into tears when I remember she’s gone. Three days of crying myself to sleep because nighttime without Sadie is the hardest.

Nighttime was one-on-one cuddle time with my girl every single night. I can so vividly picture lifting up our sheets and Sadie crawling under them, circling her little spot one time and plopping down beside me, resting her warm back against my stomach as I’d pet her and read a book before falling asleep.

She’s everywhere. Her nose prints are on my car window and my office window and the glass of our downstairs doors. I can hear her paws skirting across our hardwood floors. I can see her sprinting down the steps of our front porch, head immediately bowed as she sniffed the grass and soaked up outside smells. I can hear the click of her leash and the shake of her ears as we geared up for a walk around the neighborhood. I can smell her perfect Sadie scent that was strongest by her ears. A scent of home and comfort and devotion. As I sit at the computer, I find myself glancing over at her bed in my office a million times, expecting to see her head pop up. Her head doesn’t pop up and I have to stop myself from reflectively saying, “Good girl, Sadie” or “I love you, Sadie girl,” before turning back to my computer.

I’ve been assured by so many of you who have lost a beloved pet that time is the only thing that makes this ache better. As Ryan and I were talking, he said that there is just nothing we can do to make things feel okay right now. He’s right. There’s no way to fix this hurt or solve it. We’re just going through it. Time. That’s what we need and I am believing all of you who have shared that I’ll find myself missing Sadie forever but remembering her won’t cause me to physically ache and burst into tears over something like seeing a lump under a blanket on our couch that’s not her.

It’s just hard. We miss her so much.

When I went to look for old photos of Sadie to share when I wrote my last blog post about her, I searched the blog and saw that I’ve mentioned Sadie thousands of times in this space. I am so glad I have so many pictures of our girl and shared so many stories of Sadie — some big moments but most seemingly unimportant everyday Sadie antics. The little things I now miss the most. I’m so glad you guys got to know Sadie, too, and when you say she was one of your favorite parts of this blog, my heart soars because it makes me feel like you somehow understood what a special girl she was and how much she meant to our family.

Thank you for loving our girl. I felt it and I’d like to believe she felt it, too.