Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love blogging and since my writing style in this space is quite conversational, I treat writing blog posts almost like writing a friend an email. That also means there are times when I don’t feel like emailing anyone or talking at all. That means sometimes I sit down at the computer and the curser blinks at me and I want to walk away. So I am walking away… sometimes. And other times, like today, I want to talk. I want to write and let you in. So here we are.
I want to tell you about Chase’s birthday weekend. He turned TWO years old on Saturday and we threw him a party a Gymboree with a bunch of his toddler buddies and enough cake and cupcakes to last for days.
But I’m getting ahead of myself! I suppose you could say the weekend began on Friday but Friday didn’t exactly feel like a fun kickoff to the next few days.
Friday
Back in June I had a dermatology appointment that resulted in the biopsy of a mole that came back with some concerning results. My dermatologist said that the mole was an “8 out of 10 on the scary mole scale – but not cancer” and referred me to a skin surgery center to have the rest of the mole cut out. The surgery center was about 90 minutes away and I waited a long time for the procedure. As someone who is awful with anything medical, my anxiety grew by the minute but thankfully the surgery only took around 20 minutes and then I was stitched up and sent home.
I’m anticipating good results (the doctor told me that in 90 percent of cases like mine, they remove everything they need to with this surgery) but I also wanted to share this here as a friendly reminder to get your skin checked. Melanoma runs in my family (my mom had it on her arm) and since I’m a “very moley girl” (my doctor’s words) I try to keep up with regular appointments. And don’t forget that sunscreen!
Saturday
Saturday was Chase’s birthday and a total whirlwind of a day. It was fun but busy and by the end of the day I found myself feeling overly emotional about, well, just about everything.
The morning began with a Breakfast with Curious George event at our local Barnes & Noble. We met up with friends and their little ones for muffins and pictures with Curious George and while Chase was semi-interested in the monkey, he was 10,000 times more interested in the train table he usually plays with whenever we visit the bookstore. We still had fun with our friends and Chase seemed to enjoy his birthday morning activity before we headed home for lunch and Chase’s nap.
While Chase slept, my mom and I headed off to the grocery store to pick up Chase’s cake, cupcakes and food for the party. (My parents arrived in town last Friday evening and while my dad had to head back to Florida, my mom planned to remain in town for Chase’s big day which was wonderful!)
We came home and prepared the food on big platters before showering and getting ready for the party. Ryan was in charge of transporting the birthday boy to his party after his nap while my mom and I handled party set up a little after 4 p.m.
I was on the fence with whether or not we wanted to throw a birthday party for Chase for his second birthday but I am SO glad we did. I’m also glad we did it away from home because the kids ran around like crazy and had an absolute ball at Gymboree! (An added bonus: I didn’t have to worry about cleaning or our house looking like a disaster on the day of his party which it absolutely did.)
I’ve been taking Chase to Gymboree since he was about six months old and one of his favorite instructors, Miss Jen, was amazing and formatted Chase’s party based on his favorite Gymboree activities. Chase had a wonderful time and the biggest smile on his face during his party which made me so, so happy.
Chase didn’t seem to grasp the concept that it was his birthday (every time we’d wish him Happy Birthday, he’d say “Claire” because his BFF Claire’s birthday is four days before him and he apparently got used to wishing her a happy birthday) but he did seem to understand that the party was for him and loved being the center of attention. He’s definitely an exuberant and playful kid and Miss Jen did such a wonderful job structuring his party and accommodating 12 energetic toddlers.
The first hour or so of his party was spent in the gym for playtime before we were ready for food and cake! Everyone dug into an assortment of finger foods (we tried to plan food that was both adult and kid-friendly) and the party wrapped up about 45 minutes later.
After we thanked our wonderful friends for celebrating Chase’s special day with us, Ryan took Chase home to get him ready for bed while my mom and I stayed behind to pack up the remaining food. Soon we found ourselves driving back to our house and in the middle of talking about how great Chase’s party was and how much fun he had, I started crying.
As my tears flowed, I experienced such a mix of emotions I can only attribute to some seriously raging hormones and loving Chase so much. His birthday and his party served as a much-needed distraction after our second miscarriage but something about driving home from his party made me feel so emotional. I felt almost guilty for the pain I feel over losing two babies and the intense longing I feel for more children when I have one incredible toddler at home already.
Chase has given me so much and is such a wonderful little person. The love I have for him is so intense and all-encompassing and I don’t want the sadness and pain I feel right now to cause me to miss out on one second of this playful and exciting time in his life.
Chase made me a mother which quickly became my absolute favorite thing in the entire world. The past two years have flown by and have been the best two years of my life, despite our recent losses, and that’s all because of Chase, Ryan and Sadie and the life we have together. I used to read about moms crying when they dropped their kids off at school for the first time and not really get it at all… But now I do. I totally do. It sounds dramatic and ridiculous to say and embarrassing to type, but I know I won’t get the baby and toddler years with Chase back. I know this is the time in his life when I’ll know more about him than anyone else in the world and it’s the time in his life when he needs us more than anyone and knowing that will change (and it should!) is sometimes a hard pill to swallow because I love my days with him so darn much.
In the same breath, I am so excited to watch him grow, change, learn, love, laugh and explore as he grows up. I know challenges await – they do at every stage – but I hope I can remember the way I felt when I found myself crying on Chase’s birthday when they do.
Sunday
Since Ryan clearly picked up on the fact that I was an emotional mess after Chase’s party, he suggested a relaxing morning with our family on Sunday which was the perfect way to start the day. We went on a short hike at a local park and spent the rest of the morning playing with some of the new toys Chase received from friends and family.
While Chase napped, I organized some things around the house and hung out with my mom and Ryan. Chase’s birthday weekend fun continued when he woke up from his nap. We actually ended up saving the birthday cake from Chase’s party since he and his friends seemed more interested in the cupcakes so we still had birthday cake on hand that we needed to eat!
Delaying Chase’s birthday cake actually worked out really well because we were able to sing to him again and he finally seemed to realize it was his birthday and said “Chase!” after every “Happy Birthday to you” line.
Blowing out his birthday candles was easily the highlight of Chase’s day so we re-lit them and let him blow them out a solid five times before he dug into the cake.
I loved taking the time to celebrate his birthday with just our family and now that this is the second year in a row we’ve done a small cake with family-only, I really want to make it a tradition. It was so nice to have a quiet celebration and really be able to feel fully present in the moment with our two-year-old boy.
Chase was more than happy to share his cake… until he wasn’t. Ryan snapped the below picture when Chase told me to “back up!” after I swiped too many fingers full of icing.
Our Sunday evening concluded when Ryan and I headed off to dinner and a concert – my belated birthday present! Ryan and I both absolutely adore a cappella music and have seen Straight No Chaser in concert several times before and loved them so I was so excited when Ryan gave me tickets to see them again for my birthday back in April.
We had a blast at the show and stayed out way too late but it felt nice to get lost in the music and feel a little normal again.
I hope you guys had a great weekend and I hope to be back to share another blog post again soon. Have a great Monday!
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My little guy turned one last week, and I can totally relate to all the Mama emotions that go along with birthdays! It looks like Chase had the time of his life ?
It’s crazy when they all seem to hit you at once and come out of nowhere. Happy 1st Birthday to your little man! <3
You’ve been through so much. Please give yourself a free pass to cry whenever, wherever. I still cry about my miscarriage even though I have had two beautiful boys since then and I thank God every day for them. It will get better. Just keep taking it a day at a time. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thank you, Lauren. I cried as I wrote this post and I thought I was doing “better” today. It’s so hard. I am so sorry you’ve been there as well but really appreciate your kind words so much.
Happy birthday to Chase! It must have been wonderful to have your mom in town to celebrate with you four (because Sadie is definitely included!) How fun to have Chase’s party at a place that is clearly a big part of your days together. I love the idea of keeping a small cake for a family only celebration. Have a great day Julie 🙂
Crazy that Chase is already two. I remember this time two years ago anxiously waiting for a blog post announcing his birth. Happy birthday, little dude!
Glad to see you were able to celebrate Chase’s birthday even though it might’ve felt bittersweet. I’m also glad to hear you’re doing all you can with that scary mole situation! I have a followup this week about a scary removal I had a few months ago. Never fun but it’s necessary to stay on top of these things. <3
It looks like Chase had a wonderful birthday weekend. My little girl turns 2 this Saturday, which is so hard to believe!! Time flies!! Continue to cherish these beautiful moments, and take the time to cry when you need to ❤️ ❤️❤️
Love seeing you guys celebrating all together. Can’t believe Chase is already 2! Feels like just yesterday when he was born!
What a lot of emotions to go through in a matter of days. I hope you get good news about your mole. I remember finding out I had skin cancer (not as scary or dangerous as melanoma but still a scary thing to hear) the same week I found out I was pregnant with my first child, who will be 2 in a couple of weeks. It was such a strange mix of emotions. I hope you are taking gentle care of yourself right now.
Chase is such an adorable birthday boy!! Where did you get his cake topper? I love it! So colorful!
Oh Julie, I remember having those same feelings of guilt about my older son after my miscarriage. It’s totally normal. We know how much you love and appreciate your little man. But no matter what, nothing can stop the pain of losing a baby (especially in the beginning). I still feel badly about how “out of it” I felt for weeks (if not months) after my miscarriage but I know I had to really feel it. A friend of mine said, “As soon as you stare at a positive pregnancy test, you are in love” and it’s so true. Now that I have my rainbow baby, I sometimes feel guilt that I still mourn our second baby, but I just know it’s going to happen and I need to allow myself to feel (or cry) when I need/want to. Hugs to you. You look so beautiful and happy in the pictures!
His cake topper is from Amazon — it was really cheap! 🙂 Also, thank you so much for weighing in and sharing the emotions you felt (and continue to feel) after your loss. What you said about feeling “out of it” is so true. I feel like myself one moment and then sad and “out of it” the next and it can be so tough. And what your friend said is so true. <3
Julie, I loved your most recent post about carbs. Yes, yes, yes. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and just wanted to say this. I promise you, and I know it’ll be impossible to believe right now, but there is truly going to be a day when you are going to genuinely feel so, so happy and like yourself again. And at peace. I know there are good things in store for you and your family. I know this may sound strange but I kept comparing my miscarriage to the one heartbreaking breakup I experienced in my life. Now, years later, every now and then I feel a tiny bit of pain from that experience. Back when it happened, it caused so much pain and so many tears. I didn’t ever think things would be okay. Ever. But then I met my husband and we have our two boys and while I look back on that difficult chapter and think, “How on earth did I get through that? How did I wake up every day and function like a normal person? How?” But somehow I did. And now I have a sense of peace because from that heartbreak, I got my husband, who now brings me joy every single day. I wish I’d never had to experience that pain, but it led me where I needed to be. It was the same thing with my miscarriage. It was such a painful chapter and I just kept thinking, “Why? Why? Why?” and “Why me? Why did we have to go through that?” Because my rainbow baby, Brady, is meant to be my son. So there is still pain from the loss of my second baby, but there is peace, and there is joy. And I feel like my normal self. I promise you will too. Hugs!!
I love the idea of an at-home birthday cake separate from the birthday party! What a great idea. I’m happy to see Chase had such a successful birthday!
Happy Birthday Chase!
I always find that with a toddler, you get a moment to feel whatever it is you’re feeling and then they can snap you out of it right away. I think it’s a good thing to feel all your emotions without holding them back. Part of the grieving process, I guess.
I cried buckets when my daughter went to daycare. The mom guilt was strong. I didn’t have the option of not working but now I see how much she has grown and learned, my heart just bursts with love!
I think you have the best mom! The best family! It must be nice to have your mom so close when you’re going through this loss.
Big hugs Julie!
Julie, you are so right about parenting being emotional. I cry at Kleenex commercials, diaper commercials, and many things that used to never be emotional for me. I have had a miscarriage and know the heartbreak that comes along. Let yourself feel the emotions when you need to feel them without beating yourself up about it. I have a 3 year old son now and have a friend who had two miscarriages before having her second baby. I tell you this to give you hope. You are so brave for sharing all of this on your blog. Thank you for providing hope and strength to many. Thinking of you.
Hi Julie,
I’ve been reading your blog over the years, and I just wanted to reach out and let you know how much you have helped me recover from an eating disorder and over-exercising issues. When I would read about the balance, flexibility, and reflection you try to practice using with your body and eating habits, I was inspired to try and emulate those habits myself. Of course, any type of recovery requires so many factors and is an ongoing process, but I believe that reading this blog was one key part of this process for me.
Reading about your recent loss broke my heart, a. because it’s just heartbreaking but b. because I have gained so much from reading your writing. I don’t have children with my partner yet, hopefully in the next few years, but I hope that you and your precious family will find as much ease as possible and hopefully a smoother road in the not too distant future. It’s so impressive that you choose to write about these difficult, uglier sides of life in addition to the fun and beauty. You help de-stigmatize some seriously challenging/exhausting mental states, especially for women, by writing about them publicly. Thank you!
All the best,
H
What a great recap of Chase’s Birthday!! Thanks for sharing with Us <3 <3 I also love the ideas of a small cake with just close family. I did that for my son this June & it was the best!
What a sweetheart he is! I am glad that you have been surrounded by family during this tough time for you….certainly a blessing. You continue to be in my thoughts!
Hi Julie! It’s got to be a total mix of emotions when you sit down to write. But like you, I find writing very therapeutic, and I’m sure you will be glad in the future that you took a moment to commemorate Chase’s second birthday weekend on the blog. While I can’t relate to miscarriage, I can relate to going through hard things and good parts of life at the same time. It’s not easy, but we get stronger. Sending love! 🙂
Oh Julie, you have been in my thoughts all weekend. Please allow yourself to take all of the time you need to just cry. I am praying for you and sending you so many hugs. Happy birthday to Chase! It seems like it was a beautiful celebration! Those pictures of you and him with his birthday cake are just so precious! You are so strong Julie, and I appreciate you talking about all of this on your blog! I hope you are enjoying your Monday! Xoxo
Grief is so tough. And it always feels like it’s around longer than it should be, but you need to take as much time as you need. I’m thinking about you and you guys are in my prayers.
Happy birthday Chase!
Happy 2nd Birthday to Chase! He is one happy kid 🙂 His excited face is so cute!
Having his party at Gymboree is such a great idea!
I’m praying so hard for you and Ryan, trust that God has a plan for you guys <3
Looks like a fun weekend. That cake looks delish.
Also, what dress are you wearing in the pictures from Sunday? It is adorable (and it kind of matches the sprinkles on the cake).
Looks like Chase had an amzing weekend! We had 3 miscarriages (all missed miscarriages-found out at 12 week ultrasound) in a row before finally getting pregnant with our daughter…definitely shitty (as you said in a prior post). Iremember feeling hopeless and wondering if we were ever going to have a baby and feeling happy for (but also completely jealous) of the 9 friends of mine who got pregnant during that time. (Do no watch an episode of “teen mom”…you’ll just get ragey 🙂 wondering how the heck other people keep accidently getting pregnant and how unfair it all is. I also remember thinking at that time that it would be so hard to go through that with a little one at home for exactly the reasons you talk about…it’s hard to be there for them when you sometimes just need a minute to process everything and just “lose it”.
Long story long…it sounds like you are one strong lady working her way through this and I’m so hopeful for you and Ryan that the next time will be successful for you!
Sounds like chase has a great birthday! I’m glad you had fun at the concert too. I remember crying after my son’s 2nd birthday but for a totally different reason- he had eaten a ridiculous amount of jelly beans at his party and it was his first real taste of candy. I sat in his glider in his room and cried as I watch him run in circles and bounce off the walls of his room instead of fall asleep!
Aww happy birthday to your little man! I hear ya, those mama emotions are like nothing else. Hang in there girly!
– I have to ask, where is your dress from? I love it, and you look absolutely gorgeous ?
Looks like Chase had a wonderful party and I love the idea of a small cake at home with family. I’m searching for a dermatologist since I just moved and my mom discovered one of her moles was positive for melanoma and had it removed about 2 years ago. Though I am scared of the procedure for a mole removal, I know it is good to have them checked out and I would feel better getting them looked at.
I so admire your ability to find the joy through the pain. Hopefully you’re feeling all the support from all the people who love and care about you.
One of my very favorite things a yoga teacher ever told me was “When you are able to find peace, that means it didn’t leave you, you left it. And that’s really exciting news.” I cried (during savasana, ugh) because I was going through a challenging time when she said it. Not rushing the process is so important, but knowing that you can always come back to peace when you’re ready is a powerful thing.
Julie, such a beautiful post. While I haven’t experienced miscarriages, I can relate to the incredible mixed emotions when going through tragedy and parenting a very young child. Last year my dad broke his neck while my son was 4 months old, and I (while of course and obviously being upset for my dear dad) was mournful that my first year as a mother with my sweet son I’d prayed for years for, was also filled with incredible sadness. I didn’t want our happy time marked by such tragedy.
Thinking of you.
Happy birthday to Chase! I had a d&c three weeks ago, on my son’s second birthday. Luckily after spending half of the day in bed I felt up to celebrating him that night, and hosting his big birthday party just two days later, but the whole weekend was such a whirlwind of emotions. It was so so good to have the distraction and to celebrate my little boy, my whole world, but I also kept thinking about this baby that I had lost. I thought I was doing “better” last week but when my follow up OB appointment got pushed to tomorrow and when I am still seeing spotting today, I had a breakdown in the grocery store parking lot. Hang in there mama, we’ll get through this somehow <3
What a fun celebration! I’m on a the fence about having a second Birthday party too. We did not do a big first Birthday because our house was being remodeled and I really liked just doing something simple! So we’ll see!
I completely understand the sadness of wanting to hold on to our little ones but feel so much joy in watching them grow. What a huge weekend. I hope you have time to rest and soak in all of the joy in your days. Happy birthday, Chase!
Grief is non-linear, so you take the time you need when you need it. I know it’s a roller coaster, and I wish there were more highs than lows. But know that healing prayers are being sent your way.
I’m so glad you had Chase’s birthday to look forward to, even though it is hard to behave “normally” when you’re grieving. These bright spots of joy throughout the process will be a wonderful gift for you to think back on. That Gymboree sure looks fun! I think it’s the first time I’ve seen the classroom from a wide angle – I loved doing all those things as a kid, and I’m sure those kids had a blast! The pics of a laughing, happy Chase are just so fun!
I too had to have multiple spots removed surgically – sun screen is so important! Glad yours turned out all right. Us fair skinned people have to really watch ourselves – glad you’re on top of it!
Hang in there, Julie. Wishing for many more bright spots ahead. <3
Your comments always make me smile and feel so much love and support. Thank you, Kim. <3
I’m so glad I can help in even any tiny way. When you’re in the pits of despair, just know that a more manageable spot on that roller coaster is right around the corner. The yin and yang of life is that these sad times really highlight the really good things. Sometimes you feel guilty for feeling unexpectedly happy, and then other times you agonize over the fact that you’re unable to cheer yourself up. Let yourself feel whatever you need to, including happiness, when you need to, and you’ll move through (the only way out is through. You will get there.) When I felt especially terrible, reminding myself that it was not a permanent state of existence really helped me sob and feel hope somehow simultaneously. Heck, sometimes in a single session I’d go from sobbing to laughing to sobbing again. Grief is quite a trip, but it IS a trip that eventually slows down. You and your family are in my thoughts. xoxoxoxoxo
Sweetest pictures! Looks like Chase had a phenomenal birthday!
This is beautiful! I totally understand the love you have for Chase! I am ‘that’ crying mom when my son gives me a kiss for no reason in the grocery store. I want to soak it all up because I know it will be gone before I know it. You are such an amazing wife and mommy!
Dear Julie,
I’m so sorry for your second loss. As a mama to an almost 2 year old, my heart goes out to you and your family. And your post just sums up the emotions of motherhood so well. It’s such a joy, but the knowledge that these precious years are fleeting is too much to handle. Thanks for sharing with us. Prayers for you as you process and continue to mother Chase.
Thank you so much, Correen <3
I can’t believe Chase is two, happy belated birthday to him! Sounds like you did a great job celebrating him despite all the emotions you’re feeling. The pics of you two with his cake are SO adorable!
Your love for Chase is so beautiful to see, and your words about how you feel about him are too. He seems like such a happy child–his smile seems like it would light up a room.
I’m so sorry for your losses. Experiencing such love while also feeling such pain is such a tug-of-war on your emotions, but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Please know that you’re in my thoughts.
Happy birthday Chase!
That photo at the end of you ryan and Chase with the cake is amazing. What kind of camera do you use?
Thank you! It’s a Canon EOS 6D. We love it!
Awww I love his sprinkle-ly birthday cake! And girl, I’ve had moles cut out before (both benign), but if you ever need a really good laugh, let me know and I’ll email you the embarrassing story of my last one!
Julie, I love reading your blog each day. I was so sad to hear about your second miscarriage. I understand the mixed emotions you must be going through. I hope you power through this bumpy road quicky and you are blessed with another healthy, sweet baby very soon. Keep your chin up girl.
I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling, but your vulnerability and openness (is that a word?!) is so inspiring! I’m glad you were able to celebrate Chases’s birthday! What a cutie!
This post is adorable – Happy Birthday, Chase! And thank you for being so open about your emotions – I can’t imagine going through some of that. Stay strong and keep loving your family 🙂
Chase told me to “back up!” after I swiped too many fingers full of icing…… haha!! That cracked me up!!
Chase is so adorable. Happy Birthday Chase!!
Great photos 🙂
happy birthday, chase!!!!
I know I only know you through the blog, but I just want to give you a hug. I really admire your openness and honesty through all you are going through. Happy birthday to Chase:)
Without leaving a novel I have experienced infertility 11 IUIs and two fresh IVFs… Still born boy/girl twins and a miscarriage that spilt to twins. In my vast experience with getting pregnant your case sounds like low progesterone to me. A simple fix that you would start when you get a positive pregnancy test or right after you ovulate and then stop if your period starts. When you get pregnant and the baby starts to grow your body may not be producing enough protesterone to support the pregnancy or may stop production. This in turn tells your body to stop pregnancy and causes the miscarriage. I would ask your doctor if you can take it. There are prescriptions and topical creams. Just a thought incase it helps. Sometimes you have to demand these things. Many doctors brush things off and I had to make my voice heard MANY times.
First, I am so, so sorry for your losses and everything you’ve been through, Sheri. It’s heartbreaking to read about and I hate that you’ve been through all of that pain. I am also grateful to you for sharing all of this with me. I know it’s not easy and it’s so personal and I really appreciate it. I have progesterone on my list of things to ask my doctor about when our test results come back in and will absolutely bring it up and look into it. Thank you. <3
Thank you for the kind words… I too am sorry for your losses. I wanted to mention (and this could be way out of your realm right now) but after our twins died we signed up to be foster parents. It was nice to get a baby to hold, help and take care of. We eventually ended up adopting our daughter through foster care. I even brought her home from the hospital. You can specify ages you want, how many kids you would take and what you don’t want to deal with. Foster care is always in need of a good, loving home. Just thought I would throw that out there for you. Also wanted to tell you life does get better over time. The beginning is such a clouded fog of sadness and anger. Eventually a new normal arises and there are more good days then bad. I will say I still have a bad day every now and then that I just feel sad and my twins would have turned six in September. It never goes away but you learn to cope with it a lot better.
It’s so normal for you to have conflicting emotions right now – give yourself lots of grace. I lost twin boys last year when my oldest son was two and a half. While he was sometimes a wonderful distraction and a reminder of the good things in life, there were also a lot of difficult emotions tied into my love for him right then. I felt angry at him sometimes because I wanted to be left alone to grieve when I still had to parent, and sometimes I felt angry at myself for caring at all that I had just lost two children when I had a living precious one still in front of me. None of these are wrong ways to feel. I love my son dearly, but I love all of my children dearly, and there’s no reason to punish ourselves with guilt for feeling grief. It shouldn’t be an either/or situation. You can love Chase dearly and feel incredibly lucky to have him in your life, but you can also grieve the lives of those two babies who should also be living life with you.
I connected to this post so much, even without the losses you’ve been through, I think I felt more emotional for Sully’s 2nd birthday then his first because they are growing up and no longer babies but little boys with their little personalities and they are such joy’s to watch!!!
I laughed at the part where Chase sings to his buddy! Sully still does that!! His best friend’s birthday is a month before and he learned Happy Birthday, so allllll day long he’ll sing ‘Happy Birthday Vivi!!!’ and we had to remind him on his birthday that it was actually for him!!! He still doesn’t get it!!!!
I was on the fence about doing a birthday party for Sully but I just always want , no matter if more kids come into our lives for him to feel special and loved ….I think your emotions are SO valid and you’re doing all you can to take them in and process them in!!!
xo Sending you so much love
Love your dress Julie, you look beautiful. I can totally relate to this because I find myself in such happy moments with my son and then I’ll start thinking about the baby we lost like, “I should have been over halfway through the pregnancy by now,” or “I wouldn’t be drinking this glass of wine, if only….” the guilt and sadness passes but the thoughts come and go even in happy times. I suppose its all part of grief or moving on…take care, Megan
Happy belated birthday to Chase! I think it’s perfectly normal to feel so many different emotions for all the situations you are facing. I didn’t go through a miscarriage and cant imagine all you’re going through right now. We did experience infertility and I wish I could have read others experiences like this. I felt so alone at the time and also ashamed that I couldn’t conceive. And something I’ve never been proud of, but as time went on, it was hard to be fully happy when I heard of others getting pregnant. You are so graceful with your emotions. Anyways, know that there are so many of us praying for you! You looked so happy in the pics with Chase at home! Love it!
Happy Belated 2nd Birthday Chase! I can’t believe he’s 2 years old already!
I can’t imagine how you’re feeling like at the moment and this is probably the last thing you want to hear/read. It will get easier. Promise. Sending lots of light.
I think you are amazing. I’ve been reading your blog for years but have only commented a handful of times, and feel compelled to do so on this one. Thank you for continuing to live & share your life honestly and humanly. It’s the only way.
xoxo