When we experienced our first miscarriage in January, I knew fairly quickly I wanted to share our loss on the blog. I wrote about our miscarriage for two main reasons.
1. I shared because I needed to write. Writing has always been the way I sort through emotions that feel jumbled and messy in my mind. It lets me cry, breathe and put words to feelings that feel confusing, conflicting and overwhelming. It’s my release.
2. I shared because I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt or would one day feel the pain of losing a baby I never got the chance to meet. After our loss, I turned to the internet and re-read two blog posts I remember crying over years ago when two women shared their experiences with miscarriage and it immediately made me feel less alone. I saw them living life with smiles on their faces after their losses and it gave me hope.
After sharing my first miscarriage, I heard from so many of you and you opened up to me and told me such personal stories. Your comments made me cry for you, hurt with you and hope with you. They made me feel less alone in a time when it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one experiencing such a crushing loss.
If your comments, messages, emails and stories touched me after our first loss, they were permanently etched into my heart after our second.
Truthfully, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about our second loss on the blog. It was so painful and so raw and the emotions that came along with a second miscarriage were confusing to me because I was suddenly dealing with anger and frustration in addition to sadness and longing.
But you get it.
When I began reading your comments, I saw immediately that you completely get it.
When you typed out words like miscarriage sucks and losing a baby is so shitty – words that, to an outsider may seem blunt and harsh – I felt understood. Miscarriage DOES suck. It IS shitty. And it’s miserable and hard and horrible and unfair.
Our experiences with two miscarriages also taught me something important. So many people are dealing with something difficult in their lives. We’re talking seriously HARD stuff. The kind of stuff that would give anyone permission to be cold, angry, jaded and withdrawn. But they’re not. You’re not. And it’s incredible to me.
I received comments from more than a few of you that took my breath away because of the kindness and compassion you showed to me through your pain. It’s not fair to compare painful stories because loss sucks no matter how you look at it but the word heartbreaking doesn’t even begin to describe what so many of you have been through.
Multiple miscarriages, infertility, stillbirths, infant loss, child loss, loss of loved ones. It’s horrible and sad and unfair and, yes, shitty. It’s okay to be angry, sad, confused, scared, overwhelmed, mad, exhausted… It’s okay to be all of those things and more.
But what blows me away is how unbelievably kind so many of you are to me and to others through your pain. As women have opened up to me about loss in their lives after our miscarriages, both in my personal life and online, I see firsthand just how STRONG women are and how selflessly and courageously women handle the horrible things life throws at them.
So many of you have not allowed loss to cause you to shut down. You haven’t allowed it to harden your heart and make you cold, bitter and angry. Maybe for a moment or a season, but not forever. Instead you’re using your pain to help others, to help me, through loss and struggle.
This is amazing and awesome and inspiring. This is what keeps me going because I want to do exactly what you’ve done for me for others. It’s what made me want to open up about our second loss – something so deeply personal – again.
So this blog post is my very long-winded way of saying thank you to all of you for what feels like the billionth time. You are changing my heart for the better. You are giving me hope and strengthening my faith and I am grateful.
I can only imagine how hard this must be and I’m so glad you’re finding support in all of us readers! Sending love your way <3
This is so beautifully written — it’s raw, honest, and incredibly uplifting. Thank you for being a source of light during a personally dark time. Wishing you peace as you grieve and eventually start to heal.
Vanessa | THE REAL LIFE blog says
Hope you’re doing well. <3
<3 Sending prayers for your family.
I have had an early miscarriage and a stillbirth. All in the last year. This is a pretty powerful message: https://www.facebook.com/Channel4News/videos/10154734275256939/?hc_ref=ARTEqipbampDG1wthpibSpQX_AEundOgwuzj9H0fR_-WfKvf0obC6vGErK4Qls_BBXc
This is such a beautifully written post. Sending lots of support and prayers to you and your family <3
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. <3 I feel like words aren't enough to say that, but I do hope you feel the support and love and prayers from many of us at this difficult time.
And I agree with what you said in this beautiful post. There is SO much going on in everyone's lives, and it's amazing to meet people who decide to uplift and serve in their struggles rather than be mean and unkind. I know we will see all of our loved ones again that we've lost, but it doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye. My niece died too early, and it was heartbreaking for all of us. I can't wait to see her again in heaven some day <3
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this! I have hesitated to comment because I am pretty quiet about my miscarriages. I had a tubal pregnancy where the baby was stuck in my tubes, followed by 2 miscarriages. It was one of the most trying things for me to go through. Emotionally, I was all over the place. Physically, I was a mess. The doctor also had me on hormones with each pregnancy to try to keep the babies alive. To say that I was hormonal is a huge understatement. My poor husband was dealing with the losses all the while taking care of me. What a hard time for our marriage! But I will also say what a bonding time for our marriage. Those losses brought us together and grew us up in ways I didn’t know was possible. We were angry, hurt, upset, mad, and we simply didn’t understand why us. I am happy to say that we now have two beautiful girls that we are forever grateful for. We relied on our faith, family and friends during that time and I don’t know what I would have done without them. I encourage you to let yourself feel all the emotions and just take it one moment at a time. Everyone will have advice and ideas. That is so hard! Praying and thinking of you!!
You are brave and inspiring!
The same day that I read about your miscarriage, I read another blog post by a favorite blogger/trainer about her own miscarriage. Robin Long from The Balanced Life shared her story this week as well; maybe you all can find some comfort in relating to one another. You are both in my prayers!
Jamie Glenn says
My heart literally aches for your and your family. I have never dealt with loss like that of a miscarriage, but I want you to know that you are in my heart and my thoughts. I think and silently pray for little joys throughout your day. For the tender mercies that our Heavenly Father gives through those angels around and near us. It’s weird to feel connected to someone on the other side of the country who I have never met and whose post I read periodically. But, I do and I feel like you should know that you are a wonderful woman, who deserves so much happiness in life. I believe in a heaven and I truly believe that when we make it there we will have the chance to raise those sweet babies that we lost here on this earth. They are still ours and we will still have the chance to meet them and love them. An eternal perspective is incredibly hard to have with such present pain and grief. I was just thinking today, I wish I really knew you so that I could drop a card or baked bread or peanut butter cookies at your door. You are incredible and brave and strong and tender and kind; and I hope this pain passes. My prayers are with you.
Thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for sharing and putting yourself out there for others. I know you have helped many. I feel guilty that last Friday I commented on your post and you replied about something so silly as shoes…
I hope you’ve found some strength and I know you’ve given it to many others.
We tried for 6 months and had our first miscarriage in March at 7 weeks.. No luck in trying again since then which makes me very nervous about the road ahead. Earlier this month a family member revealed a secret that shattered all good memories of my childhood and the family I thought I knew and loved. I am forever changed and something is broken. On Sunday, we had to put our beloved 2 (almost 3) year old French Bulldog down due to an undetectable spinal injury and resulting disease that manifested in a 24 hour period. This has been the hardest year of my life and I feel as
though I have lost so much and will never again be who I was.
I hope for you that you and Ryan find the strength that you need in this dark time and that the light will soon come at the end of the tunnel in the form of a healthy pregnancy and another sweet baby. I’m sorry that you are going through all this as you seem to be such a sweet and kind and loving person and I’m sure one day you’ll be an amazing mom to as many children as your heart desires.
Kathleen Sanders-Ballantyne says
Hugs to you, Chelsea
Sandy Hemsher says
Julie you are a very brace girl. I wish I had the word to take your pain away. My husband who was 51 died suddenly and life as I knew went with him. My heart turned to stone and I felt like I was watching my life continue without participating. The only family I had was gone and I hated everything about it. During this time I stumbled into your blog and I started to follow you. Your sweet stories of Sadie would make me smile when I didn’t want to. I would come home and read about your South American trip, and your hopes and dreams. When I faced my own life threatening medical crisis, I read about your pregnancy and first months as a mom. You have helped me through many bad moments and I wish I could say something to help. The one thing I hold on to is I will see my husband again. And you will see these children again too. God bless you.
I am so sorry you and Ryan are going through this. I have also experienced the pain of two miscarriages. It is very difficult to reconcile, especially if you believe and trust in God. My advice to you is lean on Ryan and let him lean on you. You two are in this journey together and this will only strengthen your marriage and bond. Let your loved ones in. I can’t stress this next statement enough; It’s okay to not be okay. I tried to rush back to work in an effort to feel normal again. Unfortunately, you can’t rush grief. Take the time you need. Do the things you feel you need to do. There is no need to justify an extra nap, a whole pint of ice cream, an extra glass of wine, crying at a Disney movie, etc. Find small things that comfort your mind, body or soul and do them. You are such a strong woman and you will get through this. When the time comes, you will have another baby. Take care of yourself and your family. Sending so many prayers your way.
Julie, sending you so many hugs and prayers. Xoxo
Dear Julie, I definitely think your words help others. They did with me in May when we had a 12 + week rare and complicated (partial molar) loss. It takes away a little bit of pain to know that we are not alone in these terrible experiences, because sitting on the table in the ultrasound room, you feel more alone than ever. A friend sent me a book called, “I never held you.” Although the title sounds so sad, it truly helped me heal to read about grief in general and to remind myself that there is hope even if I have a long road ahead. I think its also important to go easy on yourself. After we miscarried I felt physically better because I wasn’t throwing up all the time and I had to focus on my active son (he will be 2 in September). But then I kind of relapsed and wondered why the sadness and anxiety came back a couple weeks later. The point is, grieving it is important and often times what we need to do before we can move forward. I’m still working on that part. ~ Megan
Praying for you and your family. I’m so very sorry!
Kim from MN says
Both so glad you’ve been helped through this unbelievable ordeal, and sad for everyone involved. Loss sucks, and it IS shitty, and it’s a club no one wants to be a member of, but sharing it and commiserating with others is healing. So glad you’ve found hope in the comments, and that we could all bear witness to your life and offer the support from all sides, through all kinds of different experiences. Your openness and your writing are so helpful, both to yourself and those who read it.
There’s also something extra difficult with SUDDEN loss. And a miscarriage is a sudden loss. It’s a special kind of grief, no matter what the loss entails. I lost my mom suddenly (she didn’t wake up one day, no warning) and my grandma (same) and my best friend since age 4 who was like a sister to me who lived across the street and we talked every day and grew up together and our parents treated each of us like a member of their family – was hit by a bus when I was 24. It was horrible. And my mom felt like she’d lost a child too, since we were like sisters (I only have brothers, so to me, she WAS like a sister.) Each of these things was insanely difficult, but there is eventually an other side. They say time heals all wounds, and I would say that while you’re never healed or the same after loss, you do start to handle it better, and life gets easier to manage, and joy is easier to find and live and enjoy again.
God bless, Julie. And God bless all the readers who’ve given you hope.
Julie, you are such a strong woman! Reading what you are going through upsets me and makes me mad all at the same time. You truly are a wonderful person and it kills me to read such a tragic thing happen to such a good person. You have a great support system around you–lean on them. Sending good thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way.
“Its okay to NOT be okay”. This is something that ive been seeing with a few of the people/blogs i follow for the past 2 weeks or so. Different issues, but the same understanding that we are human, and it is okay to feel these feelings of anger, confusion, sadness, and, well, darkness too sometimes. Its totally okay. Its therapeutic. Its real. Its raw. Its all a part of healing. We just cant become those feelings. Im learning, through all of you, to feel them, then let them go. And then feel them again, bc they come in waves. But we get better at riding those waves (cheesy? Maybe…but whatever.) I love that you are sharing something so personal. It really is helpful for so many. Life can feel so lonely sometimes, but its great to know that we really arent alone. Sending love ?
Julie, that was such a beautiful, honest and heartfelt post. How you have conveyed the love shared between women who have gone through hardship and loss of all kinds is exquisite and has me in tears. I, too, read many of the comments on your blog and your IG post and they left me breathless with the depth of loss experienced. This post has reminded me of the true goodness in women and the loving, compassionate, caring bond we share though we may not know each other, we are connected through sisterhood. I have experienced a miscarriage, and have gone through fertility treatments, IVF (all failed attempts), and I now have two beautiful children, when there was a time I thought I may never be a mother. To get me through some of my hardest moments, I imagine my future self being thankful for the lessons learned and I can say without a doubt I am grateful for my toughest times. I just love that you are seeking to find the beauty in this situation, that will carry you through this trying time. Friends often told me that I was at my most beautiful during the time I was struggling to have a child, because I was raw, vulnerable, open, and pure. I can see that in you through your words and it brought me to tears, it’s so beautiful. Sending you many love and blessings.
I am so sorry for your losses. I had two miscarriages about 17 years ago – and there is still a little hole in my heart where I felt broken, and i still cry- even when reading your story. But the thing is, that OK, because those babies were a part of me. I found some strange solace after my second son was born ( both losses were girls) and at about 2 and a half years old he was sitting in my lap, and he put his his hands on my cheeks, looked me straight in the eyes, and said ” Mommy, before I was born I had two sisters, they used to visit me in my crib when I was a baby, but not so much anymore.” This literally took my breathe away, and I cried, but I also knew they were ok, and I would meet them again and hold them. I wasn’t sure about my faith in God before that, and questioned it quite a bit after the miscarriages, but I can tell you I do now. I hope you too can find some comfort one day, I wish you love and blessings.
When you wrote about your first I shared with you that my miscarriage was almost the exact same story. My heart breaks for you but I’m writing to encourage you and commend you for writing. In the dirty of dealing with our miscarriage a coworker of my dad’s shared that their greatest regret was not sharing their 2nd miscarriage and it made it so much harder for them feeling isolated. You are not alone just in my small group at church there are two couples that have experienced back to back miscarriages and both did end up having healthy pregnancies following. Again I commend you for being a voice for so many hurting with loss and even infertility, these conversations should be happening. Prayers for your family.
Jamie KP says
I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I can’t imagine your pain and frustration and anger but I so admire your strength and honesty. I truly believe you’re helping others as well by putting yourself out there and I’m so glad you’re getting such great support. Sometimes the internet kinda sucks but there are these times where I’m in awe of how beautiful it can be too.
Julie thank you for writing so openly about this. Know that you have already helped so many of us. I started reading your blog when you were pregnant with Chase because a good friend of mind knew I was having anxiety in my pregnancy and recommended your site so I wouldn’t feel so alone in that. Hearing your daily struggles (and victories!) was a breath of fresh air and encouragement. As strange as this sounds I feel like you are a close friend now, and was just so shaken and sad when I learned of your first miscarriage and I began praying regularly for you and your family. Your news this week just broke my heart. These tragedies bring so many questions and anger and hurt when prayers feel unanswered. But even though there are no answers, know that we are praying faithfully for you that you might feel Gods presence in this dark, rough time. Hang in there girl. We are all rooting for you and sending hugs from afar
Christie Hawkes says
Julie, thank you for writing this deeply personal, heartbreaking, yet uplifting post. This life can be achingly cruel, but also unbelievably beautiful. There are so many kind, loving people out there. Your courage and strength are an inspiration, especially combined with your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. Miscarriage is a strange loss, because you are the only one that truly knew that little person. For me, it felt as if I was mourning alone. The few people who knew felt sad for me, but didn’t really miss that precious little person they’d never met. And most people didn’t even know I’d lost someone at all. So different from the pain of losing my adult brother, who so many of us knew and loved. We were able to share stories of his life and mourn together. I’m not saying losing my brother was any easier than losing a baby, just that I didn’t feel so alone with my sorrow. Losing loved ones sucks! I hope you are finding comfort.
Patricia @Sweet And Strong says
Julie, I’m just getting a chance to read about all of this and literally my heart has dropped. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. But know that even though many of us have never met you, you feel like a close friend and we are all here for you. And know that someone is able to relate to your story and that’s why it’s worth sharing. I will be thinking about you, Ryan, and Chase all week. xoxo
Beautiful. Just beautiful. When my Sam was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was two I ran across a quote that is so true and I think very fitting for situations like what me and you have gone through. “You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Life has a way of testing our strength through situations that just aren’t fair. So thankful for you sharing your heart. We will walk out of this. Something beautiful is right around the corner.
Thank you so much, Courtney. I love that quote so much and appreciate your kind and encouraging words. <3
While I’ve never experienced a miscarriage, my husband and I have experienced infertility for several years. As fucked up as it sounds I almost wish I would have a miscarriage because then it would mean we are at least capable of becoming pregnant. It’s so so hard dealing with the unknown and the agonizing heartache, especially when people comment about their children being difficult or how they didn’t want one or blah blah blah. It’s also hard when not many people around me have experienced the same thing which leaves me feeling broken or messed up, which I could imagine would be similar feelings associated with a miscarriage. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this not once, but a second time. I can’t even imagine your pain. Just try and keep your head up and thank you’re lucky stars for this life we get to live. Easier said than done, right? One day it will get better. XOXO
Julie, I am so sorry. Your news made me cry and want to wrap you up in a big down comforter. You are an incredible mom ; Chase is a very lucky little boy to be your son. I don’t know why these awful things happen. Most of us are so blessed to have families who love us and other treasures like our health and freedom. When something unexplained happens like what you are going through, it pulls the rug out from underneath us.
You are brave to share your story and I feel certain your words will be a strong hand reaching back to pull someone else along . I hope in the days and months to come the love of your family and close friends will bring you comfort and light to see the next step.
I listened to this podcast the other day and thought of you. Of course we don’t know each other…but I really wish the best for you and your beautiful family.
I love this! Gratitude and love are beautiful ways to heal and help others heal. Thank you for sharing!
Kerry Conway says
Only just catching up with this, I’m so sorry to read this again! It’s similar to our story, we had our first no problem then we had 3 miscarriages and then finally another healthy baby. The anxiety is the WORST. Depending on the results you get, maybe ask your doctor about taking 75mg aspirin daily during your pregnancy? It helps with slightly ‘sticky’ blood that can stop the placenta from working properly and I’m sure this is the only reason our youngest is here. It can’t do any harm so might be worth a try if you read this. Thinking of you x
Obviously it’s different for everyone, and please only respond if it feels safe to do so, but how do/did you stay hopeful? My body is recovering from a second miscarriage (I’ve had one missed miscarriage, one chemical pregnancy, and a miscarriage that put me in the ER) with no live births.
I’m having a really hard time coping and feel angry and numb at the same time. It’s even more frustrating that after two miscarriages, doctors won’t test and chalk it up to “bad luck.”
I’m rambling, but knowing what you know now, what would you say to someone in the thick of it?