I want to write more about Pepper. I want to share about our bunny-hopping, licky love machine and her spunky, affectionate personality. I want to share all the good about Pepper with you right now and direct my focus and sadness into remembering why the void she left feels so big — because we loved her so much — but I know there are likely questions and I want to get this part out of the way because this is the part that is ripping me into pieces right now.
Yesterday morning, once all the boys were in school, I leashed Comet and Pepper up for a walk. We walked a route we’ve walked a million times. It’s a walk we’ve done with the kids and dogs too many times to count. We were more than a mile from home and walking across the street from a neighbor’s house. Their German shepherds were out and started barking as they ran toward their fence. They were behind a fence so I glanced away toward Pepper and Comet who were not reacting and just peacefully walking and sniffing along.
And then I glanced back toward the fence and the larger German shepherd was out of the fence and running at top speed toward us. I was immediately on alert because of the dog’s speed and yelled a firm, “NO!” but the dog kept coming and made a beeline straight for Pepper. Tiny Pepper who adores other dogs and has never met a stranger. Everything happened at warp-speed as the dog took Pepper’s body into is mouth. The dog grabbed Pepper’s torso and would not let her go as I screamed and screamed. I just remember yelling, “NO! NOOO! NO! HELP! PLEASE HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” at the very top of my lungs, hoping and praying the owners would come outside and call their dog off or the dog would drop Pepper and she would somehow be okay.
It was all so fast and a blur and I just remember falling to my knees and and trying to get to Pepper. I was terrified for Pepper and I was terrified of this dog that didn’t seem to hear me yelling as it kept attacking my defenseless tiny dog. Pepper was was on her back with her little mouth open and her tiny paws in the air not standing a chance and this helpless feeling of pure terror is one I am struggling with so much right now. I cannot stop replaying this moment in my mind and it makes me shake as I type this and it makes me want to vomit and cry and permanently erase this from my memory forever because it was so, so awful.
The neighbor next to the house with the dog that was attacking Pepper has two dogs who came running down their driveway barking and this was the distraction that stopped the attack, as the dog dropped Pepper and took off toward the other two dogs. I immediately scooped Pepper’s limp body up in my arms at the exact same time an SUV drove around the corner and pulled over. My friend Molly lives in the neighborhood and thank God she just happened to be driving down the street and heard me screaming and pulled over right when she saw me. I just remember shaking and saying my dog was attacked and Molly saying, “Get in.” At this point I finally saw someone walking down the driveway of the house where the dog came from. I yelled out, “Your dog attacked my dog” as we were loading Comet and Pepper into the car as quickly as possible because I knew Pepper needed immediate attention.
I held Pepper in my arms and kissed her again and again and told her how much I loved her as Molly drove us to the closest vet. I was so, so scared for her. I could tell she wasn’t okay. She was alive but everything that was happening with her in my arms (which I, again, cannot stop reliving), made it clear to me that she was not okay. Not at all. I told Pepper over and over again how much I loved her and that she was such a good, good girl. I stroked her tiny face, looked into her eyes, kissed her and loved on her with every ounce of love I had in my body.
We arrived at the vet within 5 minutes and I dashed into the lobby saying, “My dog was attacked! I need help!” They were incredible and immediately took Pepper from my arms. I was shaking and crying and so scared and upset. I called Ryan once they had Pepper in a room and thank God I got him just as he was boarding a flight home from a work trip in California. We were both just reeling.
Within a few minutes, the vet came into the room where I was waiting and told me they did everything they could to save our girl. They gave her epinephrine and chest compressions but her heartbeat never picked up from the slow thump they heard upon our arrival until it completely stopped beating. I was feeling for her heartbeat in the car and I knew in my gut it was much, much too slow for a small dog.
I just remember crying and crying and saying, “We loved her so much. She was the best girl. Our boys love her so, so much. They are going to be so, so devastated.” The vet could not have been kinder and more understanding. I asked to see Pepper again and she brought her out to me wrapped up in a towel. My girl. Have you ever felt like you’re the sun, moon and stars to an animal? I was that for Pepper and I couldn’t save her. I think that’s part of what’s ripping me apart. I wanted to help her with every ounce of everything I have inside of me and I couldn’t.
I just cried and pet her tiny body and thanked Pepper for being the very, very best girl to me, to our family and, especially to our boys. The boys who began every single day racing down the stairs to greet HER. Not Mom or Dad, but Pepper. The boys who scooped her up when they wanted a moment to read on the couch because she’d always nestle in to their blankets and be the best cuddle buddy. The boys who morphed a tiny, fluffy princess of a dog into an outdoorsy adventurous girl who adored kayaking, camping and miles and miles of walking.
Our Pepper.
The hours that followed Pepper’s passing were miserable. I called the owner of the German shepherd. I felt sick and sad and just completely in shock. I still do. Pepper was perfectly healthy. Only 3.5 years old. We thought she’d be our family dog until the boys were into their late teens and early 20s. How was this real?
When our first dog, Sadie, died years ago it was horrendous and ripped my heart out but I almost felt like Ryan and I were allowed to be selfish with our grief because the boys were so, so young and not as connected to Sadie. This time feels different. This time my grief feels so, so heavy because it is so layered. Her loss was so sudden and so horrific but also… the boys. How was I going to tell them their beloved dog died? How was I going to tell them they wouldn’t have the chance to love on her one last time or say goodbye to the dog they adored who was only ever 100 percent love and spunky affection to them?
I have a friend who is a child psychologist who was an angel to me yesterday. We talked about how to speak with the boys. She encouraged me to be truthful but use words that weren’t as scary as “attack.” She said to say something along the lines of, “A big dog bit Pepper today. I took her to the vet and they tried as hard as they could to make her better. Sometimes when a big dog bites a dog as small as Pepper it’s too much for their little body. Pepper died today. I’m so, so sorry.” She encouraged me to tell them Pepper is not hurting at all anymore and she is in heaven and emphasize how it’s okay for all of us to cry and be sad right now because this is really, really sad.
Ryan’s flight landed around the same time I was heading home with the boys after school and we told them together. We had the boys go straight from my car into our backyard because we knew if they went into the house and weren’t immediately greeted by a teeny dog whose excited tail wags wiggle her whole body, they’d know something was up.
The tears immediately started flowing from the boys as they understood Pepper was no longer alive. We told them it was okay to feel really, really sad. We told them our whole family feels so sad because we loved Pepper so, so much. We told them the sadness might not go away for a while and that’s okay, too. We told them about how after Sadie died the very, very worst we felt was the day she died and the days after. And slowly, very slowly, we still felt sad but the sad it didn’t hurt us quite so much. Slowly, we were able to laugh more about our Sadie memories than cry. We promised them this would happen with Pepper, too. Right now we’re going to be sad and cry a lot.
Hours later, Chase turned to me and said, “Mom? Is she really not coming back?” My heart broke again because I understood. It felt unbelievable. He said, “I want this feeling to go away. I just want her to come back.” Ryder said, “If I could have one wish in the whole world, I’d wish for Pepper.”
Me too. We all just want her back.
Last night sucked. I knew it would and it did. One of the best parts of my day, every day, was when I would crawl into bed at night with my book and hear Pepper’s tiny feet scurry across the floors of our bedroom after me. She’d fly onto the bed, and bunny hop over to me, waiting for me to lift up my blankets so she could curl into my belly as I’d read.
This morning sucked. I knew it would and it did. The boys came down and it was like it hit them all over again because their days always began with Pepper kisses and Pepper playtime. We snuggled up on the couch to read together this morning and tears immediately began flowing because we all knew Pepper would normally be a fluffball right on top of our blanket. Right in the middle of our family where she belonged.
My stomach is in knots and I keep thinking I’m out of tears but I’m not. This is just really freaking hard and we are just really freaking sad.
We miss our girl so much.
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there are no words, im sooo sorry, i burst into tears reading this. I hate this for you and your family. I never met pepper but the love of that little dog that your family pour into her and her love for you all was felt through every picture shared and every story.
I’m so sorry for your sudden lost of your beloved Pepper. What a lucky gal she was to have all of you as her humans.
oh julie i am so, so, so sorry. there are no words. this made me sob reading it, imagining your pain and imagining losing our family dog petey at all, let alone in this horrific way. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
sending so much love to your family.
I am sobbing reading this. I am so sorry this happened to you, to Pepper, to your family. It sounds like Pepper was an AMAZING dog. She definitely was the bestest girl.
Jules – My heart breaks for you and your beautiful family. Sending you all so much love. ❤️ I cannot imagine how hard this was to write but you did an incredible job expressing your and your families love for sweet Pepper. XO
My heart is breaking for your family. I’m so sorry, Julie. Your pictures and words show how wonderfully perfect she was for you all. Sending lots of love ❤️
So sorry to hear. Pets are family.
When y’all are able to, please call the cops so it is on record that the German shepherd attacked another dog, especially unprovoked.
Oh Julie–I have tears falling down my face as I type this. How can I have such big feelings about a dog I never even met? Because what you experienced is so traumatic and my heart absolutely BREAKS for what you had to see, and now relive. Your description of wanting to cry, vomit, scream…it is so natural and so relatable and I just hurt so much knowing that only time can begin to soften the edges of these emotions, which are so incredibly intense and all-consuming.
The many photos and short stories you shared made it so clear how loved she was by your wonderful family. Life is so incredible unfair sometimes. I know there is really no silver lining to something like this but I will share that when I was young my dog was hit by a car. They never even notified us–my Dad had gone looking for her every night and finally found her and told us. While this experience was devastating, it also made me a more empathetic person into adulthood. I wanted to raise money for rescue dogs in her honor and it helped, as a kid, to translate the grief to action in some tangible way. It was a formative experience in shaping my emotional awareness and I know this will be that for your boys as well. They have had an experience that shouldn’t have to happen to their tender, young hearts but because of it, and because of how carefully you and Ryan shared with them, I really do believe they will be wonderful emotional stewards for when future friends navigate similar tragedies. You have modeled that for them.
Please know I am holding you and your family close in my heart in the coming weeks/months. I know the senselessness of all this is going to come back and hit you again and again. I only wish there was more that could be done to help–but as you mention, only time does that. Let yourself fall into the comfort of your friends and community.
With warmth and hope for healing,
Chelsea
I’m so sorry. I burst into tears reading this. It’s just horrible. I feel awful for you that you had to experience this horrible attack. Pepper knows she was loved and is in heaven playing with all the dogs that have passed. I’m thinking of you and your family and am just soon sorry
This is terrible! I am so so sorry for you and your family. What is happening with the German shepherd? It sounds like a threat to the whole neighborhood. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this loss and trauma. Ugh.
I cannot fathom your pain and having to witness that, as I am bawling for you, your family, and this adorable pup I didn’t even know. I am so sorry this happened and will keep you all in my thoughts. Dogs are the absolute best and we don’t deserve all their love they give us.
I am heartbroken for you and your family. Following you, it was always very apparent how loved your sweet Pepper is. As a fellow small dog mom, I’m in tears reading this. There is nothing that can be said to ease the pain in such tragic circumstances, but please know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. 💗
I cannot imagine how traumatic this was to witness and experience. I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet Pepper. There are no words. Sending you and your family so much love.
I’m in tears for you reading how horrific this whole situation was/is for you and your family. I’m so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. Thinking of you and your family <3
Julie, words can say how sorry I am for you and your family. Your love for Pepper was so evident and you all gave her a fabulous life. I’m so sorry for what happened to your beautiful dog. Please know my heart is with you.
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is heartbreaking, but having your children lose a pet is a whole other level of sadness. It’s the absolute worst.
My husband and I have a little business making metal signs. One of the things we offer are pet memorial garden stakes. When you are ready, please reach out. I’d love to send one to you.
[email protected]
If you want to look at options on Etsy, our shop is called 4PhaseFabrication
Praying for you all.
Jen
Tears streaming down my face reading this awful news. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Pepper felt your love right up until the end. May she always be in your hearts. Rest in peace Pepper, the best girl.
I’m so terribly sorry this happened and that you had to witness this. As someone who frequently walks their tiny dog, this is beyond scary. I am certainly glad you were not attacked, but I can imagine seeing that was horrific. Make sure to take care of yourself and your sweet boys. And I agree with a precious commenter that said, when you’re able to, this should be reported.
This absolutely breaks my heart. I am at work almost in tears thinking about the horrific event you had to witness and the heartbreak your family now has to endure. This is definitely not okay, and I am so sorry you have to go through this! Sending strength your way!
Omg Julie. Omg. That is so traumatic. I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and Ryan your sweet boys. You have such a kind heart, this is a horrible thing you experienced. It’s not your fault.
Julie,
I cried reading this entire thing. Writing will help you process this grief and trauma. I am so sorry you had to witness such a traumatic event. It is NOT your fault. I know how much dogs mean to our family/kids so I am keeping you all close to my heart in prayer as you navigate this i incredibly hard situation. Sending love. (Michelle)
Gosh Julie, my heart is completely broken for you and your family. You all were the perfect family for sweet Pepper and I am sure she felt loved. I am so sorry you had to witness such an awful tragedy.
Julie,
I have tears streaming down my face as I read this. I cannot imagine how traumatic this was to witness. I am so sorry for the loss of Pepper. My heart breaks for you, Ryan, and your sweet boys.
I can’t stop crying, I know this pain. My dog was attacked at a dog park. The dog shouldn’t have been there, she couldn’t be let off a leash. I saw it all happen and couldn’t make it stop. I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible thing to witness and relive everyday. Praying for all of you.
Heartbreaking!! Thinking of you and your family as you grieve
Oh Julie- I am so sorry this horrible thing happened! I had tears streaming down my face reading the whole story. I’m so sorry to you and your family. I was just thinking about Pepper yesterday!! I was thinking what a cute name that is and happened to think of your girl. 🙁 Pets are family & i’m so sorry for the heartbreak you & your family are going through.
Julie, I am so deeply sorry for your whole family experiencing this horrific tragedy. Reading your post had me in tears and shaking myself. I am sorry that this happened and that you personally experienced such a traumatic event. I hope it eventually brings you comfort knowing that Pepper’s last moments were filled with your love and affection and that she wasn’t alone. It sounds like you did a wonderful job breaking the news to your boys. I’m praying for comfort for all of you.
I know German Shepherds can be wonderful dogs, but we’ve recently had attacks in my neighborhood (in Florida) by two different German shepherds – one attack was on a runner who was severely injured and the other was on a dog and its owner; both had minor injuries. I’m not sure if it’s people not securing their dogs properly or not training them well, or both, but it’s very frightening to know that this can happen.
I am so, so sorry Julie! This is so heartbreaking and horrific. Praying for you and your family! ❤️
Julie: I am so so sorry. This is heartbreaking. I cried as I read this. There are no works. Our pets are our family members. I pray you find comfort and peace.
I am moved to sobs for you all. What a truly sad loss.
So very sorry
Reading this with so many tears for you and your family. I am so so sorry you had to live through that experience. This is my reminder to carry pepper spray on my walks in case of a big dog attack. I have a golden retriever but you just never know. I’m so sorry you had to live through that. My heart and prayers are with you all.
Julie, I am devastated for you and your family. I hope you can find comfort in the immense love you gave Pepper. All she knew was love from you and your boys. Sending you all the love ❤️ Life just isn’t fair sometimes, and I’m so sorry.
I cried reading this. I’m so so sorry. She was tiny but clearly a huge part of your family. My heart breaks for you. 💔
Oh Julie, I am so, so sorry! My heart is broken for you, Ryan and the boys. What a traumatizing thing to go through. My heart is with you all. I hope your memories of Pepper will ease the pain in your hearts over time. She was lucky to have you and be loved by you all. Sending love and strength to you and your family.
I’m so sorry Julie. I lost my Pepper and loved seeing the adventures of yours. I am crying big tears reading this but please know your love for her touched all of us.
Julie, I am so devastated for your family, and for you witnessing such horrific violence against your precious girl. I am sure this is the furthest thing from your mind right now, but please involve the authorities so that the family that owns the german shepherds are held accountable. That dog clearly needs professional help or this will happen again to another animal or child. Holding you in the light and thinking about Pepper meeting Sadie in heaven and all the updates she’s sharing about your family.
I’m crying and so heartbroken for you Julie. How so very traumatic and now you have the unbelievable grief of missing your sweet pup. I’ll be praying for you all. I know how much you all loved your dogs like the true family members they are.
Aw Julie, this is so tragic and awful! I am so so sorry to hear this. I am sending all the love your way. She had an amazing life, and will continue to look over you and the boys! xoxo
What a well loved girl. She knew it . You were an amazing family to her and I’m so sorry for all of you. It’s rough.
This is heartbreaking. I am so so sorry for you and your family’s loss. You are in my prayers.
Oh Julie, I am so sad for you and your family. You are such a great mom to both your boys and pups. Pepper knew so much love. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Crying for you and your family. I can only imagine how traumatic this has been for you. Dogs are so, so special and such an important part of the family, as Pepper clearly was. Our family just had a dog pass and I purchased the book The Invisible Leash for my boys and it was helpful. Sending you and your family love. Her life was not just the traumatic end- all of the time she spent blissfully happy with your family is what counts.
Julie my heart breaks for your family. This is so shocking and devastating. You’ve written a beautiful testament to Pepper’s life. She was so lucky to have you all. You did absolutely everything you could for her in that awful circumstance. She would have felt your love for her.
As others have said and as a fellow dog owner and lover, I would also make sure this is officially reported.
Julie, I came to your blog today to read your posts about saying goodbye to Sadie as we unfortunately have to say goodbye to our family dog tomorrow. I am so so sorry to read about Pepper. Although her life was way too short and her end was devastating, she knew she was so loved by you and your family. It was always so clear how much she meant to all of you. Saying goodbye to our pets as moms is so incredibly hard because we know we have to be strong for our kids while navigating our own grief. Sending you lots of strength during this time and hoping all of our dogs keep each other company as they cross the rainbow bridge.
Julie I am beyond grief at this news. Saying sorry seems trite so I am saying you are all loved by.so many of us that our tears are only outnumbered by the hugs given
So sorry for your loss!! I am in tears and will be praying for your family! I loved to read about your family’s adventures with Pepper…she was so loved!
Oh my goodness, I am so so sorry! What a horrific event for you to witness and endure. Prayers for you and your family.
This is so devastating and I feel for you and your whole family. Praying for you all!
Oh my goodness! I am sitting here sobbing, just so incredible sad that you had to experience something so traumatic! Reading this just wrecked me. And you’re such a gifted writer that, one, I feel like I knew and loved Pepper, and two, the image of her tiny little body going through that… oh, Julie. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I hope you find peace, and know that yes you will see your baby girl again one day in Heaven. I am praying for you, and your boys and your husband. Praying so hard.