We’re going to breeze through breakfast today because the “meat” of this blog post is rather lengthy!
I made myself another egg sandwich on top of a toasted whole wheat English muffin.
Cheese + Egg + Jelly!
Now onto the vulnerable stuff…
Love is a Verb
A couple of weeks ago, Ryan and I signed up to be part of a small group through our church. Though our church has been in Ocala for years, this is the first time in its history that it has organized small groups for people to regularly meet outside of the church.
Neither Ryan nor I have ever been part of a small group within a church before and decided to sign up for 20s Married Life Group, a group that meets once a week on Monday night.
I must admit, I was really nervous going into our first small group meeting last week. Since Ryan and I are both new to the small group atmosphere, neither of us knew what to expect.
When we left the first meeting, we both knew it was going to be a great thing. Our meeting last night only further confirmed this feeling. We adore the other couples and the group is fun, caring, compassionate and vulnerable.
Though we spend much of the time just hanging out, chatting and getting to know each other, the group is following a semi-structured curriculum centered around Andy Stanley’s Staying in Love DVD.
Last night we watched the first 20 minute segment of the DVD (you can watch it on YouTube if you’re interested), and I took a lot away from Andy’s teachings. After our group watched the DVD, we discussed it and I was blown away by the stories the other couples shared and how open everyone was after two short weeks together.
The key message from the first part of the DVD was rather simple: Love is a verb.
(For those of you who may be interested in the Bible verse that corresponds to this teaching, it is John 13:34-35.)
Love is something you do, not just something you feel. It’s something you work at every day. Something that requires dedication, cultivation and care. Andy Stanley states that falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard.
Though Ryan and I still consider ourselves very much in love, we both agree that we work at our relationship and our marriage and it was refreshing to hear other couples echo the same sentiments. One of the questions our small group leader posed after the video was, “When did you, as a couple, realize that your relationship was going to require work?”
Every single couple had a story to share.
Ryan and I dated for more than six years before we got married and we actually hit that moment before marriage. I talked about it briefly in my previous blog post about moving in together for the first time, but we realized that it would be very easy to just go through the motions of a relationship and cohabitate without feeling like we were in a relationship. The conversation involved a lot of tears, but it was also a turning point because it was the moment I realized that Ryan and I would fight for our relationship forever. We both wanted to make it work and shared the desire to stay in love for the long haul.
Sometimes it’s easy to think that everyone around you has a perfect, care-free relationship. I love my relationship with my husband, but it’s not picture perfect. Our small group agreed that it was helpful to hear other couples share intimate feelings about the effort they put into their relationship and the fact that love is more than just a feeling. It’s something we must try hard to do.
Question of the Morning
- Was there a moment in your relationship (past or present) that you realized you were going to have to work at your relationship as a couple?
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This is such a relevant topic for me right now – I’m getting married this year and we are starting the preparations with the church in a few weeks on the menaing of marriage.
I knew our relationship needed to be worked at right from the start – I moved to another country to give it a shot – I had to learn a different language too to live in this country. You just know when you want to work at it and when it’s worth it. I glad I hung in there.
congratulations to you and your future husband, emma!
What a great post! I think everyday is work. People and couples change. I think it’s important to change together rather than grow apart. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband who supports me in everything I do and I support him as well. But we’re not perfect and every relationship is work.
Great Post! My boyfriend of 5+ years and I have had several of those moments where we realized it was work but wanted to put the effort in because we were worth it to each other. He’s in the military and I think military relationships come with a lot more tests and difficulties than normal relationships sometimes. There was one year where he was working nights and due to our schedules we were only able to see each other twice a month. During that year he also went away for almost every other month for 4-6 weeks at a time. On some of those detachments he was in places where he did not have access to a phone or internet for most of the time so we were only able to talk briefly once a week while he was gone. That was an extremely challenging and emotionally hard year that we almost didn’t make it through. So glad we stuck it through though. I think all the challenges in a relationship make your relationship stronger in the end and I can honestly say that I feel we have a stronger relationship than many of our friends who have not had to face the same challenges that military life has thrown at us.
Hi Ashley, I’m a military wife and just wanted to say that I know exactly what you mean! I think that being in a relationship in the military really makes you realize what’s important. I hear people complaining about small, trivial things that their significant others do and I think, “Who cares about him being messy? I’m just happy he’s HOME!” Good for you for sticking it out through the tough separations – no one said it’s easy, but if it’s for the right person, it’s worth it 🙂
Ps: I love your blog always but I am definitely loving you opening up about this small group. I love going to church but I have always been to nervous about small groups! I love hearing about this part of your life and hope you continue to share. 🙂
thank you, angela. i enjoyed writing it!
LOVE this post! I think this moment happened for me and my husband about 2 years into our relationship (we’ve been together for almost 8 now). We had both just graduated from undergrad and were trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives. I didn’t particularly enjoy my job and he was going through the whole applying to medical school process. We realized that if we didn’t actively work on our relationship every single day, we would succumb to a boring routine that left us feeling unfulfilled. I still remember having a conversation about the direction of our relationship and how we were going to make it work. You are absolutely right, those conversations are not easy (ours included tears too, mine not his!). I’m so glad that we forced ourselves to talk and open up though. Making the decision to work on “us” has made us a stronger couple in the long run, and I’m thankful for that because there is no one I’d rather spend the rest of my life “working hard” with!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this comment, Parita! My boyfriend of 6 years and I are currently in the post-grad/med-school app/unfulfilling job rut and it’s eery how similar our situations are. Glad other people have been there and there’s light at the end of the tunnel 🙂
our “we need to work on it” conversation also happened around a similar time!
You will get through it! Maintain an open dialogue, support each other always, and continue to make each other laugh and smile (sounds weird but humor has gotten us through a lot)! 🙂
Thank you both for that – it makes me feel better that this is totally normal for this phase of our lives. Thanks for the encouragement 🙂
Thank you ALL for sharing! My fiance just began medical school 2 hours away from me and it’s been a hard transition. We both had to sit down in the beginning and talk about our expectations/needs for the (seemingly never-ending!) med school journey. It really helped to have open dialogue early on…I think that prevented a lot of hurt and probably some neglect because we know we need to actively make time for each other and what we needed to do to make it work. We CAN make it through this and not only survive but thrive!
Also, I love Andy Stanley and will have to check out that sermon series! Thank you so much for opening all this wonderful dialogue Julie. I kept wishing this was Facebook because I wanted to “like” everything about it!
Hahah I’m going to med school in the fall… and I’ve given up on dating. whompwhomp
Such a sweet post, I am very glad you shared! Me and my husband go to a small group where we are one of the most newly wedded of the bunch, so a lot of the struggles they have seen we have not! The other couples struggles were really an eye opener to me as to some of the things we should prepare for and work proactively at conquering in our marriage. It is also nice to know that the things you face personally, others have faced as well!
My husband I have been together for almost 6.5 yrs. (married since Sept. 2011). About 6 months after we started dating, he took a job requiring a lot of travel. I suppose, about a year into our relationship was when I realized that if we wanted to make things work between us, we were BOTH going to have to work hard at it (especially with regards to communication, since the vast majority of our communication was email, texts, or a nightly phone call). Even after we got married, he still was gone Mon-Fri., so we only really “lived together” on the weekends. In fact, at the end of Jan. of this year is when we first officially have had the opportunity to live together (meaning see each other during the work week, go to bed together, wake up together, eat meals together during the week, etc.) Living apart like that, though, required a great deal of effort to maintain a strong line of communication, and it also required emphasis on fine-tuning the value in both independence and partnership. We have learned how to work together very well because of how much emphasis we placed on learning how to communicate to each other properly.
I really like the sound of your 20s married couple group. We had a weekend seminar with a group of engaged couples before we got married, and though it was required, I really enjoyed attending. It didn’t feel at all like a chore. I loved sharing and listening to the other couples’ perspectives and experiences.
First off – LOVE Andy! He is actually our pastor. So that means you need to come visit and go to church with me. 😉
Small groups are the best thing Peter and I ever got involved in. We have made soem of our deepest friendships through those groups.
This is such a great post, Julie. It IS so easy to look at other couples and think they have such a care-free relationship (pretty sure I was thinking this while watching The Bachelor Finale last night, hehe). I am getting married this fall to my best friend and our entire relationship has had struggles, but we have so much passion to be together and he supports me more than anyone ever has. That’s what matters the most 🙂
I realized that I was willing to work and he wasn’t, which was my signal that it was time to end it!
I wish that my church had something like this — it sounds like a great way to meet people and learn a little bit more about yourselves, as well! My husband and I have been married for 8 months, and I’ve definitely learned a lot about myself and us as a couple. We didn’t live together until we got married, so we’re slowly but surely getting used to being around each other all of the time! We have our moments, but I love being married and feel like every tough moment makes us stronger :).
Wonderful post, thank you so much for opening up and sharing. I think small groups are phenomenal for learning and growing. My husband and I are searching for a new group after a recent move. We had a long distance relationship until we got married and that definitely taught us a lot. But I would say being married and living together so far away from our families made me realize how much work I really need to put in for us to have the marriage we want for each other. When we get sick, it’s me or him taking care of the other person, there is no family close enough to come help out. Mr w had major knee surgery and was completely dependant on me to take care of him. I had to work to keep a good attitude while i was serving him, i always thaught that part would come naturally. We have a few close friends now but right after we first moved, we were alone only had eachother.
I love this post. I have always know that relationships take work (my parents have struggled a lot in their marriage) but in the past year I’ve learned that sometimes require more work than others. After 9 years together and 4 years of VERY happy marriage, I was shocked that a job change could be so very hard on our relationship. We’d been through other things that you’d expect to be “harder” but those things had always turned us toward each other for help instead of turning us away from each other. I’m so glad my husband has been willing to keep working hard with me and I know our relationship will be stronger than ever as a result.
Great post. My bf & I are discussing a possibility of cohabitation and it’s def something I’m nervous about. We haven’t hit that defining moment yet, we’ve only been together since October (we were friends for a while before) but I know it’ll happen once we settle in more & it’s scary. Thanks for being so open and honest about the work that’s inevitable in every relationship.
I love this post, Julie! Such a great thing to hear you opening up about yours and Ryan’s small group experience. One thing that my relationship with Christ has taught me is that love can be a feeling at times, but it is definitely an action! Making an effort even when we don’t feel all lovey dovey is such a great quality to have.
I vote for more posts like this 🙂
I would love to join a group like this! Unfortunately my church doesn’t have one. My fiancé and I are getting married soon, and we actually talked a lot about how o do need to work at live during our marriage classes a few weeks ago! It’s so true, and nothing is wrong with working at them! I would say I learned I was going to take work during college when we didn’t have a ton of time, and we were constant busy and hardly saw each other. We had to work at communication and keeping the spark there, and it went well! We made he mos out of time we had!
Dan and I have been together for almost 16 years and we’ve definitely had our share of “we need to work on it” moments. Having kids has definitely been the most eye opening, but surprisingly watching other couples struggle has hit the hardest. I’ve had a few friends go through major life changes, a few friends separate (and get back together), and a few friends divorce. That’s when you realize it could so easily be you. Marriage and love is definitely work and sometimes it’s work you don’t want to do, but it’s one of those things you don’t (generally) regret.
What a fantastic post, Julie. It makes me so sad when people talk about falling out of love as a reason to end a relationship/marriage. Love is not just a feeling, but an action. Staying in love is work sometimes, but well worth it 🙂
Thank you for this post! I’m getting married this December, and one of my biggest fears is falling into a routine with my husband rather than working on staying in love. This makes me realize how important faith is in a relationship. You’re the best!
Admittedly, I haven’t gone to church in years. My last experience left a bad taste in my mouth, but hearing you talk about this group makes me want to give it another go. Maybe we can find a great local church when we move!
Andrew and I have always had to work at our relationship. He was in the Marines when we started dating, so we’ve dealt with the separation. The hardest parts were when he first got out though, and it would have been so easy to forget about the relationship and just work on getting life in order. I’m happy that we’ve always worked on our relationship and that we’ve made it to where we are now!
If this was Facebook, I’d hit the “LIKE” button…. 🙂
Your thoughts of, “we realized that it would be very easy to just go through the motions of a relationship and cohabitate without feeling like we were in a relationship” was meaningful to me. I have been guilty, as of late, that I’m taking advantage of having someone else there and not remembering that someone else is a part of my life too. Selfish of me, yes. But my guy & I just had a conversation of “working as a team”. …and it is work! And we both want to work! Thanks Julie.
Thank you for this post! My hubby and I have been involved in a couples small group through our church for almost our whole marriage. It helps a ton. We’ve also done some Andy Stanely marriage studies in those groups. Andy has a great way of breaking things down and making them easy to understand and put into practice.
We love having a group of friends who can pray with and for us no matter what is going on in our lives, and we do the same for them. I believe it is vital to having a healthy marriage and spiritual journey.
I hope you continue to enjoy it! 🙂
This melted my heart a little bit – both because it reflects the love between you and your husband and, I believe, reflects the relationship to come with me and my boyfriend.
Thanks to your reader for the John Mayer recommendation…I think I’ve listened to Love is a Verb a thousand times today. I actually heard the phrase “love the verb not the noun” in the book He’s Just Not That Into You (haha great read), and it totally changed the way I looked at relationships! 4 years in with the love of my life, I try to live that way!
My boyfriend moved in with me recently and we’ve realised we need to make an effort and not take each other for granted. We’re going away together this weekend for just that reason.
What a great reminder!! We are so funny because we just really adore being with each other, but lately we have both agreed that we might need to be more romantical <<yeah made up words are part of our thing. We don't take each other for granted at all, I just want us to maintain the affection!
Great post and great choice to join a small group. Having the encouragement, accountability and couples dedicated to also fighting (with God’s guidance) for the same things is a big win for your marriage. Try reading Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrich (spelling is probably off) – it gives excellent Biblical and practical ways to work at your marriage daily.
Thank you for this post, Julie! I am a huge Andy Stanley fan & recently got married this past August. When people ask you how marriage is, I feel like they expect you to tell you that it’s great…and the truth is that there are great moments, but it is really, really hard. But, it’s also really, really worth it. Thanks for opening your heart on this topic!
This is so true. Movies and the media make it seem like love should just ‘be there’ without you doing anything. Love is the fact that you want to do more to make it better, no matter what.
I realized pretty early on that my relationship with my now-fiance was going to take work. He’s in the military, and when we had been dating for five months he deployed for a year. We were able to skype and talk on the phone, but that wasn’t always a guarantee so we had to find other ways to express our love. We began writing old-school love letters to each other (which I still have and will cherish forever!), and I poured my heart and soul into the care packages I sent him. When he finally came home, that was another big “we need to work on it” moment. It was sort of difficult to transition to having him around after being away for so long, and once again we had to adjust. He is still gone quite a bit, and through all of this I think we have become a much stronger couple. I have definitely learned that keeping a relationship alive involves a lot of compromise and communication, and the little things you do for one another are so important. I have also learned to never take a single moment I have with him for granted.
Thanks for this post, I enjoyed reading it! 🙂
What a wonderful opportunity for you and Ryan to meet some new people and also grow closer as husband and wife! I have always wanted to join a small group, so I hope my husband and I can find one sometime soon. Marriage is definitely work–thank goodness it’s so rewarding, too!
I think that one of the main things I find myself having to consistently work on is to take the time to show appreciation for all the thoughtful things Dan does for me, like washing the dishes after dinner, or volunteering to stop at the grocery store. It is easy to begin to take the person you love for granted and to expect things rather than appreciate them! This was a really beautifully written post!
I am a newly wed since December and I was always told by my sisters and parents that marriage is hard work, but I thought how hard if you love someone? In our first few months we have had to make some really big decisions and I have learned on elf the hardest things is that you have to compromise. We had our share of compromises in dating but with big decisions about moving for jobs and houses and pets, I realized it take a lot of hard work to find the right compromise and then ensuring that neither spouse holds resentment and is on board fully for that compromise. The great thug though is each big compromise leads to better understanding and love for each other in an agreement!
The first time was when my husband was deployed to Iraq and also when he got home. You (or at least I) think that everything will be perfect when they get home, but their is tons of emotions. Long story short it took a lot of work, but if you care about the person it is totally worth it and definitely something you have to always work on!
The small group my husband and I belong to read the Five Love Languages book and now we’re reading Kiss Me Like You Mean It. We knew going into marriage that love is a verb.
We actually read the book 1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married. We went through the entire thing! (I might have been a bit OCD about it and typed out the questions and had him answer them and me answer them and I might or might not have then compiled an entire document with both of our answers and then put them into a binder….)
Annnyway, I think small groups and reading/watching things together as a couple, about being a couple, is a great idea, obviously!
It’s always interesting to hear about peoples relationships. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for 6, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t very long. When we first started dating I felt like I was cloud 9 and swore it couldn’t be that amazing for the long haul, but so far it has been. I wont say we wont ever be in a place where we need to work on our relationship, but I can say that so far it has been absolutely effortless and incredibly amazing. I honestly never thought love was like this and count my blessings every day that he walked into my life.
I LOVE LOVE Andy Stanley!!! I watch him every Sunday morning before I go to Church and my mom watches his dad (Charles Stanley) every Sunday morning as well! Great Biblical teaching. Ya’ll have fun!!!!
I truly appreciate your sharing so much about your life. I watched Andy Stanley’s video and he looks like he would be really interesting to learn from. Thank you for sharing your faith and experiences!
Julie,
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear on this particular day. I think with social media, its easy to fall into the trap of believing that others have happier relationships, more exciting experiences, and overall better lives. Its only natural – since most people post about the good things that happen to them in life. Everyone wants to paint a picture of perfection, and sometimes its refreshing to hear someone admit and embrace this imperfect life. My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now, but both of us are fighting hard for our marriage, and I know we always will. It was just such a breath of fresh air to read about and relate to your and Ryan’s relationship and know that working on love is a healthy aspect of every relationship, especially a midst a sea of “happy couple” pictures all over social media. THANK YOU!!
Loved this post…I totally agree that you have to work at being married. It can be difficult. I’ve never been in a small group before with my church but I have friends who have and they loved it. Glad you and Ryan are able to do that together.
Julie,
This is a great post. I read it earlier this afternoon and couldn’t get the song “Love Is A Verb” out of my head since! I’m not in a relationship now but this is great reading to prepare my heart for when I do have one. I hope to go to a small group as well when I’m married; I’m sure that is a great thing for you two! Thanks for sharing about your experience, I wish the very best for you and Ryan 🙂 🙂
This is such a great post! Thanks for being so open and sharing about the small group and your thoughts/experiences with “verbing” love!
A couple things:
-My husband and I joined a small group (our first) shortly after getting married. We were with a group of mostly older married couples, but it was the best experience for us! We actually stayed w/ that group for the 2 years we lived in the area. The older couples were SO wise!
-Marriage DOES take work! We work out each day to maintain fitness, so why would we think that relationships don’t take work?!
-I really like the personal aspect of this blog post. I am a ‘sometimes’ reader here — and this is such a REAL post — love the content!
Julie, do you mind sharing what kind of a church you belong to?
Thanks 🙂
This post is fantastic! I love it, and it is such a great reminder too. I totally agree that it is so easy to fall in love, but can be hard to stay in love. My husband and I have only been married for a little over 9 months, and we have had an absolute blast. However, it is work to keep the fire and spark alive and we both love working at it. That is truly the best kind of work to me! =)
I knew as soon as I started dating Simon that I’d have to work at it. He is an amazing man- and I’ve got to keep working to make sure he knows that, I’m so lucky. It doesn’t FEEL like work though, atleast not all the time. It’s so easy, but still effort is required. It’s like doing a job you love.
With recent divorce rates over 50% I’m convinced a marriage will last when it is centered around Christ- the creator of Love and greatest romancer of all time has to know what He’s doing!
Death of my mom, menopause and manopause
I’m probably the last person to give relationship advice; aside from my high school boyfriend, I’ve only had 1 “adult relationship” that lasted about 7 months. However in that time, I did learn a lot about myself, who I am in a relationship, and what I want and need from a partner. Relationships definitely take work, the key being communication! I was once talking to a lawyer friend of mine (divorce lawyer specifically) who said the #1 reason why marriages fail is lack of communication. Just talk (then hug) it out!
My husband and I have been part of two different small groups in the past 10 years and have made/maintained our closest friendships from this experience. It is also a place where you get close quickly, as you tend to discuss some “heavy” topics like your marriage. My husband and I had our talk early in our relationship, but after kids we found ourself in a rut again. About a year ago we realized we needed to work on us again, which has resulted in some wonderful changes in our marriage. Thanks for sharing your experience and I hope the small group continues to be a positive experience.