Grief and joy can coexist.
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Through sadness, heartbreak, grief and pain, we can still feel joy. At first it may seem impossible but somehow we pick ourselves back up and we smile again. We laugh again. We remember the little things in life that make us happy and focus on including more of that in our lives.
Grief does not have a timeline. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Finding joy can take a long, long time. But sometimes, in the midst of seemingly never-ending tears, a smile will sneak up on you in the middle of nowhere.
When your dog rests her sleepy head on your belly… The place where you feel most empty.
When your toddler walks over and gives you an open-mouthed kiss on the lips for the first time.
When you come home to find a care basket on your doorstep from some of your closest friends.
When you hear stories of hope from people who have walked in your shoes before.
When you realize just how much the people you love in your life care about you and feel your pain right along with you.
When someone tells you it’s okay to hurt and cry but promises you the pain will somehow lessen overtime, even if it never fully subsides.
It has been a just over a week since Ryan and I learned we would never hold our baby in our arms. A hard week, an emotional week but, somehow, a week that also included small moments of joy and laughter.
Over the course of the past eight days, I sometimes feel like I am trapped under a cloud but other times I feel a sense of normalcy because even in the moments when I feel like my life is on hold – like the whole world is running full-speed ahead and I am standing still – I am reminded that there is no pause button in life. Whether we’re ready or not, life moves on and I don’t want to miss the unbelievably good moments that come in the tiny everyday things.
I don’t want to miss laughing when Chase tries his hardest to jump off the ground when, in reality, it kind of looks like he’s twerking. I don’t want to miss noticing the beautiful sunny 65-degree weather we had in Charlotte yesterday. I don’t want to miss the feeling of comfort I find when I place my head on Ryan’s chest at the end of a long day. I don’t want to miss the peace I feel in my heart when Sadie sighs and falls asleep curled up next to my stomach.
I know I cannot wish, will or pray away my grief and, to be honest, while I believe and hope time will help heal my heart, I want to feel every ounce of sadness I am feeling right now because in some way it makes me feel closer to my baby.
When the tears come, I let them. But when joy and laughter bubbles up, I’m not ignoring it.
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so beautifully put Julie! Your faith is inspiring. Thank you for sharing in the midst of your pain. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your family.
You and your family have been in my thoughts. You’re right- grief and joy can coexist eventually. Take care of yourself.
Julie, I’m so sorry for the grief that you and your family are experiencing now. I hope you find comfort in your loved ones and begin to heal the best you can. Reading this post reminded of an excerpt from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet that I thought was fitting. Here’s a link to On Joy & Sorrow. I think you may connect with the message.
http://www.npr.org/programs/death/readings/spiritual/gibran.html
So I know this is the last thing on your mind but I remember thinking about this when I had a miscarriage. I was terrified that every pregnancy afterwards would be heartbreak. When I got pregnant again it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I kept waiting for the moment where it came crashing down again. But that first appointment I heard her beautiful heartbeat. And I went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and eventually another healthy pregnancy. I just wanted you to know that just because you have one doesn’t mean you will have more. I will say that on edge feeling never really went away. But I got better at taking each day that she was alive inside of me as a blessing. Still thinking and praying for your family. ❤
Julie, your writing though I’m sure painful, is so beautiful. Thank you for being so open and honest with your loss. Sending so much love and strength your way xo
Oh, I am so very sorry. Thank you for so bravely sharing your story. The stories of other women who have gone through loss were the most helpful and healing things for me during my last year. So, thank you for being a healing force for others.
I have had two miscarriages. About a year ago I went in for my 10 week appointment only to discover that I had lost it at 6 weeks. My world fell out from under me while at the same time, beauty and love and support swept in to help me out. I have been so lucky in life to have been able to get many things that I work hard for. This altered my perspective. Missed miscarriages are hard for many reasons, but one of them is the fact that your body keeps on trucking (the symptoms, the crazy hormones, etc.) and gives you no indication that things are off. Take your time to feel all the feelings and give your body a little break. I found that reading stories that other women had written were most helpful (cup of jo had 3 nice stories on loss that I read over and over again), watching things that allowed me to cry, talking to friends, writing, and treating myself like a prize winning 4H animal were helpful.
I am now almost 16 weeks along and turned 37 yesterday. I am glad we took a long break. I had to let go of my ideal timeline and had a sad year in many ways, but I now feel incredibly close to my husband and incredibly grateful to have now made it to my 2nd trimester.
Thank you for sharing and be patient with yourself!
Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me, Sarah. I am so sorry for your losses. I think you are SO right about the hormones. Over the course of the past week I have felt intense lows and noticed my skin completely broke out and then today I feel a little bit more like myself. I know things will take time and appreciate your encouragement and the hope you help give to me.
I am so, so happy for you and your current pregnancy. Prayers for you for a healthy second and third trimester and delivery. <3
Thank you! I could say a million other things, but one important thing is to trust yourself. We all read your blog for many reasons, but one major one is to learn how to take care of our bodies, balance our lives and make time for the people we love. You take such good care of yourself and your body is smart (if that makes sense). Be patient, talk the ears off of your friends and family, grieve, find joy and be proud of yourself for sharing your story.
This is beautiful, Julie. Thank you for putting this into words.
I’ll be sending thoughts and prayers your way.
“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” xx
THANK YOU for sharing this with me. It is honestly one of those quotes I’ve carried with me in the back of my mind for years but somehow I forgot all about it over the past week and a half. I love it so much and thank you for the reminder.
Julie, you are a gem. You have such a beautiful outlook on life, even in such low times. Bless you! I’m keeping you all in my prayers. XO
My mom lost a baby before me and when I asked her how she got through it, she said “I would allow myself to cry. Then, if I was still crying 5 minutes later, I would pick up, stand up, look towards the sun and feel the warmth of God in my heart. Then, I would keep moving…because that’s all you can do.”
Happy to hear you are beginning to feel the warmth again. Sending love to you.
I am so sorry for your loss Julie, and I totally get what you’re saying about wanting to feel every ounce of sadness because it makes you feel closer to your baby. That’s exactly how I felt when my dad died suddenly. I didn’t want a day to come when I didn’t cry because they crying made me feel closer to him. I was afraid that if I stopped crying I’d stop missing him (as crazy as that sounds) & I didn’t ever want to stop missing him. Eventually came the day when I stopped crying regularly, but there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him or miss him. Prayers to you and Ryan.
This is just one of those little things that I hope will put a smile on your face: in mid-February Ben and Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called Oat of this Swirled–it’s full of fudge flakes, oatmeal cinnamon cookie swirls (!!) and mouth-watering buttery brown sugar ice cream. It sounds like our beloved favorite! xoxo
Love this 🙂 Thank you for sharing — ice cream is definitely one of those simple things that always helps me smile.
Hi Julie, I have been reading your blog for years but never commented, but I feel compelled to now. I had 2 of these kinds of miscarriages, in the first trimester and without any notification that something had gone wrong. After each one I went on to get pregnant, so I have 2 rainbow babies (10.5 months and 3 yrs), which is what they call babies born after miscarriage. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for mine, and for all of us who experience this. I really appreciate your sharing, I always felt like my miscarriages were “less” somehow, because they happened so early and there was no drama – just my body quietly trying to hold on to what was already gone. Your grieving is helping validate what I went through 4 and 2 years ago, so thank you.
I also wanted to try and share hope, since both of my children – strong, wonderful, amazing creatures – were born following each miscarriage. And chances are, you will be sharing news of your own rainbow baby when you and Ryan are ready to try again. It doesn’t undo what happened, but it does help ease the pain and allow you to move forward. x
Julie, Sending you a warm hug. Sending you joy, laughter and any soothing feelings that you need. May the tears that flow be sweet. I want to say I am so sorry for any pain you are feeling. You bring us such joy. We are here for you. This is your platform. Use it to help you heal. Hugs sugar!!! All my best always. Robyn
hi… i have never commented before. my heart breaks for you and all that you have experienced these last few weeks. though i have never had a miscarriage, i do have some idea of the pain you are going through… the loss of hope, the loss of a dream, and the loss of what could have been. i lost my 3 1/2 year old to cancer last ocotober. i remember thinking after she died that there was no way i would ever be able to breathe again, that there was no way i could ever go on living without her. i was so overwhelmed with how broken my heart was. but you do keep on breathing, you do keep on living, and the world continues turning. we have two other kids and i don’t want their lives to be defined by sorrow- theirs and especially not mine. we talk about our sweet girl, we share stories, we cry, and we absolutely laugh. i never want the grief to go away. my grief is a direct reflection of how much i loved her. but i also can’t let the grief rule my life. my daughter fought cancer bravely, with a smile on her face. she challenged me to be better and to love harder. i owe it to her to be the best version of my self for the rest of my life. the grief will always be with me and the tears will always be quick to come… but i will also carry the joy of her life simultaneously in my heart. i miss her every moment of every day, but i am so lucky that i am the one who got to be her momma. sending hugs and so much love.
your comment made me cry and i cannot tell you how incredible you are — i can tell that you are such an amazing mom just from this single comment. i am so grateful for moms out there like you who love their children so completely and the way you have tried your best to honor your daughter’s life and show your children joy and happiness through your pain is so moving to me. thank you for sharing your story with me. you truly make me want to be a better mother. i have no doubt your little girl felt so much love from you every day.
Hi Julie,
Here I sit visiting my in-laws in Charlotte, NC from our home in Orlando, FL. We are going to Freedom Park today. I remember a blog post you wrote on that one time. Anyway, I stumbled upon this blog post and felt compelled to comment. Thank you for sharing your raw, vulnerable blog posts following miscarriage. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage on October 22 and it hurts so bad. You never think it will happen to you. You never think you’ll be a “1 in 4” statistic. I am so GRATEFUL for people/bloggers like you who share your experience to help other women. Thank you.
We have a healthy 2.5 year old little girl and we hoped and prayed for this second baby. We were going to announce our pregnancy at Thanksgiving. I keep saying that JOY and SORROW can intermingle…they coexist…they live together side by side. It’s so easy to live under the dark cloud of our thoughts and experiences but this blog post reminded me, yet again, to choose joy…to find joy. Finding joy in family…in my toddler’s quick hugs and kisses…in the colder Charlotte weather right now…at the news that my best friend was chosen to adopt a baby girl in two weeks. JOY!
Anyway, long comment to say thank you for these posts…for your vulnerability. Miscarriage hurts so bad you don’t think you have any tears left to cry. I hope you had a blessed Thanksgiving with your beautiful family!