If I had any reservations as to whether or not I wanted to share something so deeply personal on this blog on Friday, every single one of them evaporated the minute your incredibly beautiful, heartbreaking, compassionate, thoughtful and supportive comments began to appear on my blog post and social media channels. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me, thank you for reserving any judgment and meeting me with kindness and compassion during a very painful time in my life.
Your stories – so many of them so incredibly personal – touched me deeply. So much so that I’ve found I cannot not read too many comments at once and have to come back and read everything in small amounts. I hate that this is a pain so many of you have felt before and that some of you are currently experiencing right along with me at this very moment.
Truthfully, I am still making my way through your comments and wish I had the strength to write back to each of you and convey everything I feel in my heart and show all of you the incredible love and support you’ve shown to me. I hope and pray that strength will come soon but I’m trying to give myself time and permission to process everything at my own pace.
On Friday I thought I was okay. I was tearful but smiled and felt joy when Chase made me laugh. I felt so much support from my family and my best friends. We went to the park and I noticed the sunshine. I watched Sadie chase sticks. I cried but I felt hope and I surrounded myself with distractions.
And then on Saturday I felt like I was under a dark cloud and I could not stop the tears.
I cried for our baby. A baby I wish I could’ve given the most amazingly wonderful life, full of love, adventure and laughter. I cried for the unknown. I cried because I cannot refer to our baby as “he” or “she” because I don’t even know the most basic things about our precious little one. I cried because I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant on Saturday and officially entering my second trimester. I cried because Ryan, Chase and I were supposed to be in Sarasota at that very moment, surprising his family with our wonderful news. I cried because I wanted so very badly to be a mother to the baby we lost. Our baby. A baby I will grieve and wonder about and remember forever.
Right now I have moments when I am okay… and moments when I’m not okay. And I think that’s how it’s going to be for a while.
I want to keep blogging through this time in my life because blogging and connecting with all of you is a highlight in my day, every day. I’m not committing myself to a schedule and am telling myself to blog whenever it feels right… about whatever feels right in the moment… if anything at all.
Right now I am trying my best to focus on the blessings I have in my life. I know that joy can coexist during times of grief and even if tears outweigh smiles right now, I have hope and believe in happiness. We are okay and we will be okay. I know this with everything that I am.
I find myself thinking about our baby during moments when I feel weak. I already feel like I am drawing inspiration from our little one when I think about our baby watching over me. I want to make our baby proud. I want to show our baby kindness and strength through the joyful times and the trying times.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love you’ve shown to me and Ryan. To those of you who have been there and have been through so much worse, thank you for opening up, encouraging us and showing us, firsthand, what strength and hope looks like. You are helping us more than you can possibly realize.