Losing Pepper
I want to write more about Pepper. I want to share about our bunny-hopping, licky love machine and her spunky, affectionate personality. I want to share all the good about Pepper with you right now and direct my focus and sadness into remembering why the void she left feels so big — because we loved her so much — but I know there are likely questions and I want to get this part out of the way because this is the part that is ripping me into pieces right now.
Yesterday morning, once all the boys were in school, I leashed Comet and Pepper up for a walk. We walked a route we’ve walked a million times. It’s a walk we’ve done with the kids and dogs too many times to count. We were more than a mile from home and walking across the street from a neighbor’s house. Their German shepherds were out and started barking as they ran toward their fence. They were behind a fence so I glanced away toward Pepper and Comet who were not reacting and just peacefully walking and sniffing along.
And then I glanced back toward the fence and the larger German shepherd was out of the fence and running at top speed toward us. I was immediately on alert because of the dog’s speed and yelled a firm, “NO!” but the dog kept coming and made a beeline straight for Pepper. Tiny Pepper who adores other dogs and has never met a stranger. Everything happened at warp-speed as the dog took Pepper’s body into its mouth. The dog grabbed Pepper’s torso and would not let her go as I screamed and screamed. I just remember yelling, “NO! NOOO! NO! HELP! PLEASE HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” at the very top of my lungs, hoping and praying the owners would come outside and call their dog off or the dog would drop Pepper and she would somehow be okay.
It was all so fast and a blur and I just remember falling to my knees and and trying to get to Pepper. I was terrified for Pepper and I was terrified of this dog that didn’t seem to hear me yelling as it kept attacking my defenseless tiny dog. Pepper was was on her back with her little mouth open and her tiny paws in the air not standing a chance and this helpless feeling of pure terror is one I am struggling with so much right now. I cannot stop replaying this moment in my mind and it makes me shake as I type this and it makes me want to vomit and cry and permanently erase this from my memory forever because it was so, so awful.
The neighbor next to the house with the dog that was attacking Pepper has two dogs who came running down their driveway barking and this was the distraction that stopped the attack, as the dog dropped Pepper and took off toward the other two dogs. I immediately scooped Pepper’s limp body up in my arms at the exact same time an SUV drove around the corner and pulled over. My friend Molly lives in the neighborhood and thank God she just happened to be driving down the street and heard me screaming and pulled over right when she saw me. I just remember shaking and saying my dog was attacked and Molly saying, “Get in.” At this point I finally saw someone walking down the driveway of the house where the dog came from. I yelled out, “Your dog attacked my dog” as we were loading Comet and Pepper into the car as quickly as possible because I knew Pepper needed immediate attention.
I held Pepper in my arms and kissed her again and again and told her how much I loved her as Molly drove us to the closest vet. I was so, so scared for her. I could tell she wasn’t okay. She was alive but everything that was happening with her in my arms (which I, again, cannot stop reliving), made it clear to me that she was not okay. Not at all. I told Pepper over and over again how much I loved her and that she was such a good, good girl. I stroked her tiny face, looked into her eyes, kissed her and loved on her with every ounce of love I had in my body.
We arrived at the vet within 5 minutes and I dashed into the lobby saying, “My dog was attacked! I need help!” They were incredible and immediately took Pepper from my arms. I was shaking and crying and so scared and upset. I called Ryan once they had Pepper in a room and thank God I got him just as he was boarding a flight home from a work trip in California. We were both just reeling.
Within a few minutes, the vet came into the room where I was waiting and told me they did everything they could to save our girl. They gave her epinephrine and chest compressions but her heartbeat never picked up from the slow thump they heard upon our arrival until it completely stopped beating. I was feeling for her heartbeat in the car and I knew in my gut it was much, much too slow for a small dog.
I just remember crying and crying and saying, “We loved her so much. She was the best girl. Our boys love her so, so much. They are going to be so, so devastated.” The vet could not have been kinder and more understanding. I asked to see Pepper again and she brought her out to me wrapped up in a towel. My girl. Have you ever felt like you’re the sun, moon and stars to an animal? I was that for Pepper and I couldn’t save her. I think that’s part of what’s ripping me apart. I wanted to help her with every ounce of everything I have inside of me and I couldn’t.
I just cried and pet her tiny body and thanked Pepper for being the very, very best girl to me, to our family and, especially to our boys. The boys who began every single day racing down the stairs to greet HER. Not Mom or Dad, but Pepper. The boys who scooped her up when they wanted a moment to read on the couch because she’d always nestle in to their blankets and be the best cuddle buddy. The boys who morphed a tiny, fluffy princess of a dog into an outdoorsy adventurous girl who adored kayaking, camping and miles and miles of walking.
Our Pepper.
The hours that followed Pepper’s passing were miserable. I called the owner of the German shepherd. I felt sick and sad and just completely in shock. I still do. Pepper was perfectly healthy. Only 3.5 years old. We thought she’d be our family dog until the boys were into their late teens and early 20s. How was this real?
When our first dog, Sadie, died years ago it was horrendous and ripped my heart out but I almost felt like Ryan and I were allowed to be selfish with our grief because the boys were so, so young and not as connected to Sadie. This time feels different. This time my grief feels so, so heavy because it is so layered. Her loss was so sudden and so horrific but also… the boys. How was I going to tell them their beloved dog died? How was I going to tell them they wouldn’t have the chance to love on her one last time or say goodbye to the dog they adored who was only ever 100 percent love and spunky affection to them?
I have a friend who is a child psychologist who was an angel to me yesterday. We talked about how to speak with the boys. She encouraged me to be truthful but use words that weren’t as scary as “attack.” She said to say something along the lines of, “A big dog bit Pepper today. I took her to the vet and they tried as hard as they could to make her better. Sometimes when a big dog bites a dog as small as Pepper it’s too much for their little body. Pepper died today. I’m so, so sorry.” She encouraged me to tell them Pepper is not hurting at all anymore and she is in heaven and emphasize how it’s okay for all of us to cry and be sad right now because this is really, really sad.
Ryan’s flight landed around the same time I was heading home with the boys after school and we told them together. We had the boys go straight from my car into our backyard because we knew if they went into the house and weren’t immediately greeted by a teeny dog whose excited tail wags wiggle her whole body, they’d know something was up.
The tears immediately started flowing from the boys as they understood Pepper was no longer alive. We told them it was okay to feel really, really sad. We told them our whole family feels so sad because we loved Pepper so, so much. We told them the sadness might not go away for a while and that’s okay, too. We told them about how after Sadie died the very, very worst we felt was the day she died and the days after. And slowly, very slowly, we still felt sad but the sad it didn’t hurt us quite so much. Slowly, we were able to laugh more about our Sadie memories than cry. We promised them this would happen with Pepper, too. Right now we’re going to be sad and cry a lot.
Hours later, Chase turned to me and said, “Mom? Is she really not coming back?” My heart broke again because I understood. It felt unbelievable. He said, “I want this feeling to go away. I just want her to come back.” Ryder said, “If I could have one wish in the whole world, I’d wish for Pepper.”
Me too. We all just want her back.
Last night sucked. I knew it would and it did. One of the best parts of my day, every day, was when I would crawl into bed at night with my book and hear Pepper’s tiny feet scurry across the floors of our bedroom after me. She’d fly onto the bed, and bunny hop over to me, waiting for me to lift up my blankets so she could curl into my belly as I’d read.
This morning sucked. I knew it would and it did. The boys came down and it was like it hit them all over again because their days always began with Pepper kisses and Pepper playtime. We snuggled up on the couch to read together this morning and tears immediately began flowing because we all knew Pepper would normally be a fluffball right on top of our blanket. Right in the middle of our family where she belonged.
My stomach is in knots and I keep thinking I’m out of tears but I’m not. This is just really freaking hard and we are just really freaking sad.
We miss our girl so much.
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Oh, Julie, I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Pepper. She was so loved by you and so loved all of you! Wishing you peace. Xo
Julie, how absolutely horrible. I am so so sorry for your loss and that you experienced this. I am praying for you and your family. Sending love to you
I’m not really a dog person but man this made me cry for y’all. So awful.
What an incredible sad and traumatic turn of events, Julie. I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the depths of your sadness. It was always so clear how adored Pepper was. You all are the sweetest family on the internet and I’ll be thinking of you so much. Sending a hug.
Julie I am so so sorry for your loss. This is a horrendous trauma to live through. I am a trauma therapist and this hit me hard. I utilize EMDR with my clients and I highly recommend that to help with this. I am happy to help you find a therapist for this if you’d like. Again, I am so so sorry. Nobody should have to go through this.
Julie, I was so sad and outraged to read this and I want to give you and your family a big hug. All dogs are special, but a little dog who brought joy to little boys is even more special. The world is a better place for the 3.5 years that Pepper was in it.
Several years ago my dog was attacked by another dog while we were on a walk, and thankfully she was not seriously injured, but the mental impact on me was something else. I constantly relived the attack for a long time afterwards. I had other issues going on at the time, but it was definitely a topic that I brought up when I started therapy a few months later. I know that you have good support, but this definitely qualifies as a traumatic incident, so please seek help if you feel that you need it <3
I am so deeply sorry for you and your family. This is so traumatic. Unfortunately, this has happened to me twice in my life but thankfully my dogs survived. The first time a Saint Bernard attacked my 5lb Yorkie. It was awful and she barely made it.
The second time, many years later, I was walking my baby in a stroller and my 40 lb Shepherd on a leash when a Rottweiler ran out the front door that a neighbor left open and attacked my dog as we were walking on the sidewalk. I was SO afraid for my dog and my baby. It was terrible and like you, I remember just SCREAMING for help. My dog survived and thankfully my baby was not harmed but the neighbor was absolute JA about it and refused to pay for the vet bills (lots of stitches needed).
Sending you all the love in the world. Thinking of you guys.
Sending you and your family all of the love. How tragic and traumatizing for everyone but you especially having to first hand experience it.
I’m crying reading this. My heart breaks for you and your family. I love reading your blog and, as a dog lover, reading about Pepper (and Sadie and now Comet) is such a joy. I’m so sorry to hear this news.
My heart aches for you, for all of you. This is tragic and heartbreaking, there are no words enough. I am wrapping your family up in all my love and prayers, but especially you Julie, because this was something you should never have had to witness.🥺💔 Your sweet Pepper will come back to you. 🙏🏻🫂
Oh, Julie. This is one of the saddest things I have read in a very long time. Pepper pictures made my day every day. Literally the cutest girl in the world. I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through this traumatizing event with such a tragic outcome. Sending so much love your family’s way.
i am shocked at this attack on you and pepper.
i don’t think i would ever get over reliving this. i am so so sorry that your family and you lost such a dear little dog in this way. my deep condolences.
be strong.💔
Julie,
My heart breaks for you and your family. I’m keeping you all in my prayers. Just know Pepper enjoyed every moment and memory she shared with you, your husband, and your boys!
I’m really, really sorry for your loss.
Your love for this sweet girl comes through in your writing so strongly, I am crying myself. I am so, so sorry that you lost her but also that you are carrying the weight of such a traumatic experience in general. Sending nothing but love to you and your family during this incredibly difficult time.
Oh my goodness, Julie, I just am in disbelief – I’ve followed your blog since the beginning and am just heartbroken for you and your family. Sending you so much love and healing thoughts. ❤️
I’ve followed your blog for years and my heart just broke reading this. I’m so incredibly sorry. Thinking of you, Ryan, and your boys.
Julie, I never comment on posts but I have been reading for 15 years. I am crying right now reading this. I too have a tiny Pepper pup that is my whole world. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. This is so heartbreaking, I cannot even imagine the devastation for your family. I just want you to know, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope Pepper is running up there w Sadie and my Henry who we lost a few years ago. My heart truly goes out to you and your family.
I am so heartbroken for you and your family and I’m so sorry for your loss. You are clearly such an incredible dog mom and she was so incredibly lucky to have had you as her family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I cannot imagine what that experience must have been like. As a dog owner/lover my heart breaks for all of you. No words.
Julie, I have been following you for >10 years and have laughed and cried with you, and to tell you I’m sobbing and so heartbroken for you probably means nothing but your family did not deserve this and people not taking proper precautions with their large dogs is unacceptable. I know there is nothing there could do to make up for losing pepper but I hope they do everything in their power to make amends with you.
I am so sorry and heartbroken for you, Pepper, and your family.
I don’t have a pet but I know your dogs from reading the blog. I cried along with you as I was reading this. I’m so so sorry for your family. I can’t imagine the heartache for you, let alone the boys. Thank God the boys weren’t with you when it happened. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. Your post about Pepper brought me to tears. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I’ll be praying for you and your family.
Julie, I am so, so sorry.
Julie I am so so sorry. I’m so sorry you had to go through such an awful ordeal, then come home alone and share the news with your boys. My heart hurts for you and your family.
I am shocked and horrified reading this. I have seen dog fights occur and there is literally nothing you can do. They are fast and vicious and even experts say to never get in the middle. I am thinking of you guys and am so glad you’ve had help with what to say to the boys. Hugs!!!! I also think that Sadie is probably welcoming Pepper with a nice bone.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been following you since Sadie was a pup. I have 3 small dogs and this is one of my biggest fears. Almost enough to not walk them. We had two scary events where the dogs weren’t leased and ran up on us, but thank god didn’t attack. Sending you all the hugs and prayers.
Oh, Julie. I am so sorry that you had to live through this experience and that you’ve all lost your sweet Pepper. Prayers for all of you.
I am so sorry for your family’s loss, Julie. Praying for comfort for you all as you mourn. 🩵
Julie and Family,
I am so so sorry about Pepper. I have loved watching you guys with her and as Comet joined the family. I can’t imagine how traumatic that was and how sad you are. Again, I’m so sorry 😔
I am so sorry for your loss Julie! The love you and your family had for Pepper was evident in your posts and in this post here. She truly was a wonderful addition to your family when uou needed it the most. Any life taken too early is the hardest. Squeeze your family extra tight. Hugging my pup even harder tonight.
Oh Julie, I have been following you from basically the beginning and I am sobbing along with you, Ryan and your precious boys. I will be praying for God to bring your family comfort and His peace as you grieve the loss of sweet Pepper. I am so, so sorry for your loss and the horrific means in which it happened. Praying for you all.
I, like so many others, was crying reading this as I mourn for you and your family, and the fact that you had to witness such a senseless tragedy. Pepper lived such a full and wonderful life because of your family and that is something that can’t be overlooked in this tragedy. She loved you all so much and I hope with time you are able to release any guilt related to this situation. Imagine all of us as readers giving you a big hug and know that our thoughts are with over the next several days, weeks, and months.
Julie, I just cried so hard for you, your family, and Pepper. This is a dog mama’s worst nightmare and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.
I don’t have the words but I will be praying for your sweet family. We’re all here crying right with you.
I am so so sorry Julie. That is traumatic and so unfair. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s so hard to lose a pet and I think it is because our feelings for them are so uncomplicated..just pure love. I loved the comment about Sadie greeting her with a bone and some play time and I hope that is comforting.
I hope the owner is held accountable in some way. It is not ok what happened.
Sending so much love to all of you. I am so very sorry about Pepper. Praying for God’s comfort to surround your family.
Gosh your post has me in tears – I cannot imagine the heartbreak you all are going through. So many hugs. I am so so sorry 😞
Crying as I read this. I am so incredibly sorry that this happened and for your family’s huge loss! I will be including you all in my prayers in the coming days 💐❤️🙏🏼
Oh Julie. My heart breaks for you and your family. What an absolutely devastating thing to have to experience. The suddenness of it all, the fact you were there and witnessed it all, and the memory that will forever be etched into your mind. I’m sorry you have to all go through something this tragic. May you find peace in any way you can while you grieve the loss of sweet sweet Pepper.
I’m so so sorry. Losing a pet is incredibly heartbreaking and having to witness the attack and not being able to stop it is horrible and traumatic. I hope you know it’s not your fault, it happens faster than your brain can process/humans can move and you did absolutely everything you could. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you loved her endlessly. Your family gave her the best life. Thank you for sharing even the most heartbreaking parts of life, you have such a beautiful way of writing and impact so many people for the better.
Oh Julie, oh no. I’m so devastated, I’m so sorry. I commented on instagram when I saw your story there, but it’s so much more devastating to hear what you went through! There’s never enough time with our beloved pets, but it’s especially awful when the loss is too soon and so traumatic. Looonnngg time reader (2010?) and I know your family treasures your pups.
I can’t imagine how terrible it was having to share with your boys. Thank God your friend was there to help.
Julie I’m so very sorry. I’ve followed you for a very long time. I’ve cried with you before and I’m crying with you again. Your family is in my prayers.
I am so so sorry Julie. When i started reading this, i didn’t know where it was going, but once i realized my stomach was all in knots and i feel so bad for you. I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to WITNESS this happening and NOT be able to do anything about it. It is going to take a long time to be over this….and to be over looking at bigger dogs without hating them.
Oh Julie. I’m so sorry you had to witness something so horrific. What a love you gave Pepper and she to your family. Thinking of you all.
I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you.
As a very infrequent commenter, I had to comment. I am SO sorry for you & your family. This is horrific & heartbreaking. Hoping in time your memories of Pepper will only be happy. You did a wonderful job explaining it to your boys & you seem like a loving, wonderful mom to all. Wishing you peace.
I’m so deeply sorry for your immense pain. Pepper was so loved every hour of every day. Your family gave her purpose and joy. She’s meeting Sadie and watching over all of you. Please accept my deepest condolences. I was jumped by two Rottweilers while walking my little rescue and thankfully was able to keep mg dog out of the dogs reach. The terror was horrendous. I have since purchased dog friendly mace and a pocket blow horn I carry with me on all of our walks. Just trying to help keep you all safe ❤️
This is so heartbreaking for you and your family. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write it and re-live it again. It made me tear up reading it. Thinking of all of you. Hugs. 🥰
Julie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. This is horrific, and I cannot imagine the pain you and your family are experiencing. I’m so sorry for Pepper and that this happened.