Losing Pepper
I want to write more about Pepper. I want to share about our bunny-hopping, licky love machine and her spunky, affectionate personality. I want to share all the good about Pepper with you right now and direct my focus and sadness into remembering why the void she left feels so big — because we loved her so much — but I know there are likely questions and I want to get this part out of the way because this is the part that is ripping me into pieces right now.
Yesterday morning, once all the boys were in school, I leashed Comet and Pepper up for a walk. We walked a route we’ve walked a million times. It’s a walk we’ve done with the kids and dogs too many times to count. We were more than a mile from home and walking across the street from a neighbor’s house. Their German shepherds were out and started barking as they ran toward their fence. They were behind a fence so I glanced away toward Pepper and Comet who were not reacting and just peacefully walking and sniffing along.
And then I glanced back toward the fence and the larger German shepherd was out of the fence and running at top speed toward us. I was immediately on alert because of the dog’s speed and yelled a firm, “NO!” but the dog kept coming and made a beeline straight for Pepper. Tiny Pepper who adores other dogs and has never met a stranger. Everything happened at warp-speed as the dog took Pepper’s body into its mouth. The dog grabbed Pepper’s torso and would not let her go as I screamed and screamed. I just remember yelling, “NO! NOOO! NO! HELP! PLEASE HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!” at the very top of my lungs, hoping and praying the owners would come outside and call their dog off or the dog would drop Pepper and she would somehow be okay.
It was all so fast and a blur and I just remember falling to my knees and and trying to get to Pepper. I was terrified for Pepper and I was terrified of this dog that didn’t seem to hear me yelling as it kept attacking my defenseless tiny dog. Pepper was was on her back with her little mouth open and her tiny paws in the air not standing a chance and this helpless feeling of pure terror is one I am struggling with so much right now. I cannot stop replaying this moment in my mind and it makes me shake as I type this and it makes me want to vomit and cry and permanently erase this from my memory forever because it was so, so awful.
The neighbor next to the house with the dog that was attacking Pepper has two dogs who came running down their driveway barking and this was the distraction that stopped the attack, as the dog dropped Pepper and took off toward the other two dogs. I immediately scooped Pepper’s limp body up in my arms at the exact same time an SUV drove around the corner and pulled over. My friend Molly lives in the neighborhood and thank God she just happened to be driving down the street and heard me screaming and pulled over right when she saw me. I just remember shaking and saying my dog was attacked and Molly saying, “Get in.” At this point I finally saw someone walking down the driveway of the house where the dog came from. I yelled out, “Your dog attacked my dog” as we were loading Comet and Pepper into the car as quickly as possible because I knew Pepper needed immediate attention.
I held Pepper in my arms and kissed her again and again and told her how much I loved her as Molly drove us to the closest vet. I was so, so scared for her. I could tell she wasn’t okay. She was alive but everything that was happening with her in my arms (which I, again, cannot stop reliving), made it clear to me that she was not okay. Not at all. I told Pepper over and over again how much I loved her and that she was such a good, good girl. I stroked her tiny face, looked into her eyes, kissed her and loved on her with every ounce of love I had in my body.
We arrived at the vet within 5 minutes and I dashed into the lobby saying, “My dog was attacked! I need help!” They were incredible and immediately took Pepper from my arms. I was shaking and crying and so scared and upset. I called Ryan once they had Pepper in a room and thank God I got him just as he was boarding a flight home from a work trip in California. We were both just reeling.
Within a few minutes, the vet came into the room where I was waiting and told me they did everything they could to save our girl. They gave her epinephrine and chest compressions but her heartbeat never picked up from the slow thump they heard upon our arrival until it completely stopped beating. I was feeling for her heartbeat in the car and I knew in my gut it was much, much too slow for a small dog.
I just remember crying and crying and saying, “We loved her so much. She was the best girl. Our boys love her so, so much. They are going to be so, so devastated.” The vet could not have been kinder and more understanding. I asked to see Pepper again and she brought her out to me wrapped up in a towel. My girl. Have you ever felt like you’re the sun, moon and stars to an animal? I was that for Pepper and I couldn’t save her. I think that’s part of what’s ripping me apart. I wanted to help her with every ounce of everything I have inside of me and I couldn’t.
I just cried and pet her tiny body and thanked Pepper for being the very, very best girl to me, to our family and, especially to our boys. The boys who began every single day racing down the stairs to greet HER. Not Mom or Dad, but Pepper. The boys who scooped her up when they wanted a moment to read on the couch because she’d always nestle in to their blankets and be the best cuddle buddy. The boys who morphed a tiny, fluffy princess of a dog into an outdoorsy adventurous girl who adored kayaking, camping and miles and miles of walking.
Our Pepper.
The hours that followed Pepper’s passing were miserable. I called the owner of the German shepherd. I felt sick and sad and just completely in shock. I still do. Pepper was perfectly healthy. Only 3.5 years old. We thought she’d be our family dog until the boys were into their late teens and early 20s. How was this real?
When our first dog, Sadie, died years ago it was horrendous and ripped my heart out but I almost felt like Ryan and I were allowed to be selfish with our grief because the boys were so, so young and not as connected to Sadie. This time feels different. This time my grief feels so, so heavy because it is so layered. Her loss was so sudden and so horrific but also… the boys. How was I going to tell them their beloved dog died? How was I going to tell them they wouldn’t have the chance to love on her one last time or say goodbye to the dog they adored who was only ever 100 percent love and spunky affection to them?
I have a friend who is a child psychologist who was an angel to me yesterday. We talked about how to speak with the boys. She encouraged me to be truthful but use words that weren’t as scary as “attack.” She said to say something along the lines of, “A big dog bit Pepper today. I took her to the vet and they tried as hard as they could to make her better. Sometimes when a big dog bites a dog as small as Pepper it’s too much for their little body. Pepper died today. I’m so, so sorry.” She encouraged me to tell them Pepper is not hurting at all anymore and she is in heaven and emphasize how it’s okay for all of us to cry and be sad right now because this is really, really sad.
Ryan’s flight landed around the same time I was heading home with the boys after school and we told them together. We had the boys go straight from my car into our backyard because we knew if they went into the house and weren’t immediately greeted by a teeny dog whose excited tail wags wiggle her whole body, they’d know something was up.
The tears immediately started flowing from the boys as they understood Pepper was no longer alive. We told them it was okay to feel really, really sad. We told them our whole family feels so sad because we loved Pepper so, so much. We told them the sadness might not go away for a while and that’s okay, too. We told them about how after Sadie died the very, very worst we felt was the day she died and the days after. And slowly, very slowly, we still felt sad but the sad it didn’t hurt us quite so much. Slowly, we were able to laugh more about our Sadie memories than cry. We promised them this would happen with Pepper, too. Right now we’re going to be sad and cry a lot.
Hours later, Chase turned to me and said, “Mom? Is she really not coming back?” My heart broke again because I understood. It felt unbelievable. He said, “I want this feeling to go away. I just want her to come back.” Ryder said, “If I could have one wish in the whole world, I’d wish for Pepper.”
Me too. We all just want her back.
Last night sucked. I knew it would and it did. One of the best parts of my day, every day, was when I would crawl into bed at night with my book and hear Pepper’s tiny feet scurry across the floors of our bedroom after me. She’d fly onto the bed, and bunny hop over to me, waiting for me to lift up my blankets so she could curl into my belly as I’d read.
This morning sucked. I knew it would and it did. The boys came down and it was like it hit them all over again because their days always began with Pepper kisses and Pepper playtime. We snuggled up on the couch to read together this morning and tears immediately began flowing because we all knew Pepper would normally be a fluffball right on top of our blanket. Right in the middle of our family where she belonged.
My stomach is in knots and I keep thinking I’m out of tears but I’m not. This is just really freaking hard and we are just really freaking sad.
We miss our girl so much.
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Tearing up reading this – I’m so sorry – and imagining telling my young children something like this much less to witness this attack. I hope y’all have allll the support and you can process that trauma. My mom was attacked by a dog a few years ago, and it has been so so difficult to process the ramifications not to mention the medical issues that came from it. I hate you are going through this and so sorry about the loss of your special precious girl.
Oh Julie. This is devastating and deeply traumatic. I am so sorry for your family’s loss. You are all in my prayers. I wish there were more words I could say to ease your pain. I also admire the words you told the boys and the space you are giving your family, including yourself, to grieve. Sending you love.
Julie,
I have been a reader for over 10 years, but I don’t believe I have ever commented. As a fellow dog-lover, with a huge soft spot for small, scruffy dogs with tons of personality, this really struck a chord. I have a small dog who is the love of my life, and we escort her outside every single time she needs to go out due to a pair of coyotes who frequent our neighborhood. As diligent as we are protecting her when she is off leash in our yard, I have never thought about how I might protect her when we are walking in the neighborhood. I want to thank you for sharing this because it prompted my husband and me to have an in-depth conversation about how to be more aware while out walking and possibly protect her. Because of this, please know that Pepper has touched my own family in an important way. I am sending healing thoughts to you and your family. If there is an animal welfare charity to which you would appreciate donations in Pepper’s honor, please let us know. I would be humbled to support them.
Julie, I am so sorry to hear this. An incident like this is truly traumatic, please take care of yourselves during this time. You were the best caretakers for Pepper and you did everything you could to protect her, and she knew it. She was deeply loved by you and your community, and she will always be in our hearts.
I had a similar incident with a large foster dog biting my cat in the past. She was severely injured and miraculously survived…but I can clearly relive the event to this day. All this to say that I can imagine how much pain you are in right now.
Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.
Oh Julie I am so so sorry for your loss and how it happened sounds so traumatic and awful. Every pet owner’s worst nightmare. Sending you and the boys (and Ryan) big hugs as you process this loss together. Pepper will be greatly missed.
I don’t usually comment. But I absolutely had to this time. I am so so sorry for y’alls loss. This is heartbreaking. Just want y’all to know y’all will be in my thoughts. I know this is something that doesn’t go away quickly. And hurts oh so much. And for it to happen so suddenly and tragically. I hate it for you and your family. Thanks for sharing sweet Peoper with us through your posts.
My heart aches for you; I am so very sorry for your loss.
Hi Julie,
I’ve never commented on anything, ever but I have been reading your blogs since my first son was born 6 years ago. Reading this post as I breastfeed my 3rd son, tears are flowing for you and your family. I just feel compelled to say that from what I read in your blogs, please at least be at peace knowing that those boys are sooo blessed to have you and your husband and you’ll guide them through this time as best anyone can.
So sorry for your loss, I felt every inch of your pain here.
Much love x
I am not a crier at all and I am sitting in my car crying for you, your boys and your Pepper. I also have a Pepper pup https://www.instagram.com/pep.the.whippet?igsh=bmxhMnByeWN5ZHdj&utm_source=qr who is my sons greatest joy. I am so so sorry for your terrible loss. Please make sure this is reported to your local council or animal authority. A dog like that is a huge risk to other animals and potentially children.
Julie, my heart breaks for you and your family. What you have been through with Pepper is very traumatic. I work in vet med and we see some of the best and worst moments of our client’s lives. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I have had a good, hard cry reading your beautiful tribute to Pepper. As a long time reader, I always admire your willingness to share the good and bad parts of your life with us through the blog and I hope that our comments can provide you some support and comfort. Echoing the comment above to please report this incident to your local animal control as the other dog is a risk to other pets and children. Much love to you all as you navigate this loss.
My heart is shattered in a million pieces – I almost didn’t believe it when I read the header to your story. I’m so so sorry. I know you just want your sweet Pepper back. We all felt the deep love you had for each other. Pepper had a positive impact on all of us and will be missed beyond words!
I am so sorry, we experienced a VERY similar event a few years back. A similar story: walking around the neighborhood, the dogs got loose from the gate and plunged for our terrier. It was horrific. I could not get my dog released. It was treating my dog like a rag doll. Eventually, after my yelling, the owner walked down from the house and yelled at her dog, “Drop it,” and it did. I drove to the nearest vet, and it was really bad. The kids had no idea what happened to our beloved dog, whom they had known since they were babies. I keep reliving that moment in my mind, thinking what if I didn’t walk that way that day, or what if I picked him up fast enough. I have been there too. Please reach out if you need to talk.
Julie,
My mouth is hanging open in shock! I am so sorry for you, your family, and for Comet. I cant even imagine the hurt and pain you are experiencing right now. It is horrible when we lose our furry friends but when it happens so suddenly and in such a senseless way it is hard to comprehend. I will pray for you all as you work through the grief and saddness that is now a part of your days.
Oh my I am so sorry this happened and you are without Pepper. Rest in peace!
I am so sorry for your loss of sweet Pepper. I loved seeing her through your pictures and words and how happy she made you and your family. Sending lots of love.
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. She was clearly so loved by all of you, and brought so much joy to everyone she met. I am so devastated for all of you.
I’m so terribly sorry for the tragic loss of Pepper! I cried and am just so sad for you and your family because we have a sweet little chi mix who we adopted about the same time as you got Pepper. Praying for comfort, peace and healing.
I’m so sorry for your loss Julie and family. Dogs are such a special part of our family and everyday. We experienced a similar loss 3 years ago when our boys were 4 and 6. Your post made be sob all over again for all of us. As you know, the sadness softens with time but they are always a part of us. Take comfort knowing what a wonderful life she had, there’s so much pain because the love was that big. Take care ♥️
This made me cry, I am so sorry for your family <3
I am SO sorry for your devastating loss.
My heart hurts for you and your family, Julie. I’m so, so sorry. You, and especially your boys, are in my prayers.
Julie, I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry. This sounds so traumatic, and layering trauma with death is so, so, so hard.
I want to share something that helped me when my dad died traumatically 2 years ago – maybe it can help you too, a or someone reading these comments. In the early days after his death, I kept going over the events and counting the ways things could have gone differently, “what if, what if, if only”. As I was going down one of rabbit holes, my beloved cousin gently interrupted me – “But it didn’t. You can’t bargain with the past to change the outcome today.” This stopped me in my tracks. Our survival brains want to believe that we have control and if we do everything “right” we can stop bad things from happening. It’s not true – of course it isn’t true. There is no perfect path to protect us from pain. This simple “but it didn’t” helped me shift some of the trauma off of my grief – to stop rehashing the events and reorient to the sadness I was feeling. Over the next months, I used my “but it didn’t” mantra to keep myself in the present, until eventually I could more healthily revisit the past (with several excellent grief therapists – a therapist who explicitly specializes in grief is wonderful resource, too).
You have been on my mind since reading this yesterday. I just can’t get over it. I am so so sorry. I’ve been praying for healing, some sort of peace and comfort for your family. Life is so unfair sometimes. Huge hugs to you all 💔
I am crying as I’m reading this and cannot imagine how you are handling this. I am so sorry and pray for you all. This breaks my heart.
This was so, so hard to read, so I can’t even imagine how it feels to live it. I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you and Pepper. Please take good care of one another, as I know you will. Sending love and hugs and peace.
I haven’t commented on a while, but I just happened to come across this post today. I am so sorry. What a horrific way to lose a member of your family. I am so devastated and angry for you all. I hope those owners get taught a lesson and this never happens again. My parents had a German Shepard that was very aggressive towards other dogs, but they did everything they could to keep her far away from other dogs. There’s just no reason those dogs should have been able to get out.
This is unthinkable. I know you are in so much pain and the trauma must feel unbearable. But know that sharing your story of Pepper has helped others. I have two small pups and will now be extra cautious learning your story. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. You gave her the best life possible!
Julie, I have been a reader for several years. I just love everything about your blog and your little family. thank you for sharing your life with your readers. I cried reading your story today and I am so sorry about your precious Pepper. My heart is broken for all of you.
Wishing you comfort and peace to face the days ahead and loving memories to hold in your heart.
Julie, I am so so sorry. It was always clear how much you guys loved Sadie that when you got Pepper I remember thinking “this dog must really be special to have made them go for something so un-Viszla-like”. And it always really felt that way — that she was meant for your family, and you were meant for her. I hope you have or can get a good therapist because this was traumatic even to read; I can’t imagine having lived through it. My heart goes out to your sweet family.
Julie, what a devastating and traumatic situation. Please take care of yourself. I’m so sorry for the loss of Pepper. You gave Pepper a wonderful life.
I am so sorry for you, Ryan and the boys. Pepper is family and the loss is so intense. I will make a donation today in Pepper’s memory to our local humane society.
This is terrible. I am so sorry for everyone. Please make sure to be kind to yourself and take care of you even as you help everyone else. Being witness to something like that is an extra layer of trauma. It’s okay to prioritize yourself, too.
Julie, my heart hurts for you and your family. I can’t imagine how traumatic and devastating yesterday was. I’m so glad that your friend Molly Cam’s by at just the right moment to help you take Pepper to the vet and be there with you, that Ryan got home for both of you to share the sad news together with your boys and that you were able to reach out to your child psychologist friend for the guidance on how to share with the boys.
((Big Hugs))
I am so so sorry to read this. I can’t begin to imagine how awful an experience this must have been. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
My heart is breaking; Pepper was the sweetest dog and you all gave her the best life.
You and your family are so kind and loving to every family member, friend and animal in your life.
Praying for your family.
My heart is so sad for your family. Growing up, we too had a family pet pass away from a bite of a neighbourhood dog. Praying for you all that you feel the tangible comforting presence of God right now. These feelings of grief and anger may feel so strong and fresh right now but in time, it won’t feel so unbearable. Pets truly do become family members and I’m so sorry for the traumatic events that just happened. Cry as much as you need, what you are feeling is so valid and understandable. Praying for your mind too and the things you saw. In Jesus’ name may there be no nightmares and may your mind heal of the horrible/traumatic thing you saw. Praying happy memories of Pepper will cover over the awful last one. Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Julie,
I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I am sending you and your family so many prayers and lots of love as you navigate this unimaginable tragedy <3
Julie, I’ve been following your blog for over a decade and this post has pulled me to comment for the first time ever.
Thank you for sharing Pepper with us. There was no better family she could have dreamed of; her life was way too short, but filled with more love than most dogs receive in a lifetime. You were all so lucky to have each other. I cried reading your post yesterday, because it brought back memories of losing my own childhood dog unexpectedly when I was about Chase’s age. The thing that helped most was seeing my parents grieve, too: they were both pretty stoic, and watching them cry over our cherished dog (also a small, spunky, impressively tolerant terrier mix like Pepper) made me feel validated in my own emotions. Like, “if even my parents are breaking for this, then I know this is really as big of a deal as I feel it is, and I don’t have to be embarrassed to cry because they are too.”
In November, my husband and I said goodbye to our first dog of adulthood, and the pain never goes away—but like you said, with time, we are able to laugh and smile more than cry. But every time we do cry, I hope she feels how much she is loved and missed.
I will be holding your family close in my thoughts and sending so much love. On a more personal note, I hope you are able to entrust a good therapist; you experienced an incredibly traumatic event, and you deserve to work through that with someone trusted and qualified.
We will be thinking of Pepper today and many days going forward. Thank you for sharing her short but beautiful life with us.
I’m so so sorry. How awful and sad. She was a lucky pup to have been loved so hard by your family for even a short amount of time.
Oh Julie I am so so sorry. I am praying for peace and comfort for you and your family.
oh my goodness i sit here with tears in my eyes- i am so so sorry .you were blessed to have such a wonderful dog in your life even if it was cut to short . . Wishing you comfort and peace to face the days ahead and loving memories to hold in your heart. prayers to you all
Oh Julie, I’m so very sorry to hear this. I’m sending love to you and your family and I hope your happy memories of Pepper bring you brigther days soon.
I am not a crier BUT we have a two year old dog and two kids same ages as Ryder and Chase and this story brought tears to my eyes because I can imagine how you feel. I am so so sorry for you and your family and will keep you in my prayers.
This is beyond devastating for you and your family, Julie. I’m so, so sorry! Sending peace and comfort to get you through this difficult time.
Julie, I am so so sorry for you and your family’s loss. Pepper seemed like such an amazing pup. I was so impressed whenever you would share stories about how great she was with the boys and how she adapted when you adopted Comet. You’re an incredible mom to your boys and your animals. I have a dog who I love greatly and I understand that there are aggressive dogs out there but it makes me very upset when people don’t take responsibility when they own a dog like that especially if they let them outside unsupervised even with a fence because unless they know for sure that there is no way for the dog to escape, they should have them on a leash outside and be with them. Again, I’m so sorry and I hope you can take as much time as you need to start healing because that is incredibly traumatic event to go through. Losing a pet is losing a member of your family.
I’m so sorry pepper, I’m so sorry julie. I’m crying with you 😢
I am so heartbroken for you, your family, Pepper and Comet. How incredibly traumatizing for you and Comet. I am so so sorry
Long time reader and feel compelled to comment. Crying for you and your family, I am so so sorry Julie. Hugs to your and your family. ❤️❤️
Julie!! I am a loooong time reader and follower and I am truly horrified and saddened by this! Echoing all the other comments – take care of yourself, cry when you need to and know that the PB Fingers community is thinking of you and sending you the biggest hug.
Julie, I am so so sorry for your loss. I am devastated for you and your family. Please know all of your readers are sending you love during this awful time!
I so sorry for your loss! Long time reader and dog lover!
I’m so sorry. I’m sitting here sobbing just because it’s so unfair and devastating. I don’t even have adequate words but know that random, long term blog readers know that Peppered mattered and was so, so loved.