On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Dear Julie,
I’ve read your blog for years ( I still remember how ecstatic you were when you and Ryan first got engaged) and have always returned because of your constant positive attitude in the face of any challenge. I am so sorry for your loss, and am so grateful that you have used your incredible voice to share your heartbreaking story. My sister went through the same experience, and I can’t tell you how amazing you are for allowing us all to empathize with you. Our hearts are with you.
Hi Julie – I am new here, I visited your blog for the first time today. I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been there, I know how you feel, and I know the only right thing to say is I am so sorry. I lost my first baby at 27 weeks and 6 days and it was a pretty devastating experience. I now have a 20 month old beautiful healthy son. A rainbow baby. Very brave of you to share your experience, I also found that talking about and sharing the experience helped me heal. Time also heals. Much love x
Sweet Julie. My heart is so sad for you and Ryan. I’ve walked in your shoes 3 times (twice before Trey and once before Tanner). I can only offer words of encouragement and to tell you that whatever way you need to grieve is the right way. Be angry, be sad, be anything that makes you feel more at peace. People will say things that they think is helpful that you will find heartbreaking and insensitive. It’s okay to be angry with them. It’s okay to take time away and shut down. You are allowed to be irrationally angry at other pregnant women, you are allowed to wallow and cry and take however long you need to be okay. I would never wish this on anyone and I’m so sad you now know how miscarriage feels. I wish with all that I have that you’d never known this. Hang in there and love on your sweet boys. They will get you through the really hard days. Love to you.
Julie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you’re getting lots of big hugs from your friends and family. A few years back, before my son was born, I also had a miscarriage. Reading stories of other people really helped me to know that I wasn’t alone, that my grief was something so many women shared. It also helped just to talk about it. We told way more people about the miscarriage than we had ever told about the pregnancy. It just made everything seem real, like I had a legitimate reason to feel sad and wasn’t just imaging my loss. I hope you find something in my ramblings helpful. You’re in my thoughts.
Hi Julie, I am sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers <3
Julie,
Your story was my story. Exactly. It was a horrible experience and I know how much you are grieving. Don’t lose hope. I went on to have two more children and believe it or not, that experience is only a small blip in our lives now. You will always have the regret and pain but it will lessen. Thank you, as always, for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry you know this pain and loss but somehow knowing you have two healthy children helps give me hope as well. <3
Julie- I’m am so incredibly sorry that you and Ryan have to experience this. I have read your blog for years and can tell you that my husband and I had almost the exact same thing happen just this last February. Your emotions will go up and down and sadness will jump out and take you down when you least expect it. Allow your self to cry and to feel those emotions. It’s way easier said than done to have someone tell you to not feel the guilt, no way around it. I asked God everyday to take my hand and would repeat over and over that I am on my knees and can’t do it without him. I will be praying for you.
Prayers are coming your way! May God bless you and your family!!!
Simply beautiful, Julie. You are a ray of sunshine for so many. I have no doubt that our special grandmother’s are taking good care of our babies until we can join them. Thank you for sharing.
Dearest Julie,
I once was a regular follower of your blog–also sharing the excitement of your engagement, your adventures with your loves, Ryan and Sadie, your marriage, more adventures, Chase’s birth … your blog was a bright spot in my day for a long while.
In October of last year, I left corporate America and started my own business. Since then, I put a lot of “for fun” activities aside, including regular blog reading from my favorite bloggers, in favor of pouring myself into my business and my clients.
When I saw your Instagram photo the other day, my heart dropped for you. I thought about how someone I don’t even know in person has so often provided me with a giggle, an uplifting moment, and inspiration. I thought about how completely evident it is that being that kind of person in the world means a great deal to you.
I’m so profoundly sorry that you must experience this loss and beyond grateful that you have the most fierce family and friends to help you through. I wish you peace and healing, recovery and joy.
Thank you for being a bright spot in a too-often dark world. You matter.
All my best to you and yours.
Life is so crazy…I’m a long time reader and when I read this post a few weeks ago my heart truly broke for you as I was early pregnant as well. I remember thinking how strong you were and it gave me the chills thinking about how I would feel in your shoes….well unfortunately, this past weekend I too suffered a miscarriage and although I am still going through a rollercoaster of emotions I want to tell you how helpful it has been re-reading your story and also reading the stories of other readers in the comments. Women are so incredibly strong and I have so much admiration for you and all of these women sharing their stories….I just wanted to say thank you for opening up your heart and sharing because you have truly helped me get through these past few days!
I’m so so sorry for your loss. It’s so heartbreaking and incredibly painful. I wish we could cry together. I must also thank you for taking the time to leave me this comment in the middle of your grief. It means so much to me. Honestly, one of the reasons I decided to share this on the blog was because I felt comfort when women told me they have been through the same thing and hoped my posts could, in some way, help someone feel less alone. Sending so much love your way.
Julie, thank you for sharing this beautiful post. I appreciate your words so much. It was almost 15 years ago that I had the very same thing happened to me. It is such a difficult trial to understand and accept, even with faith in God. I remember my husband and I were so excited, we told everyone. My husband even had the nursery ready. My priest told me to name the baby and always pray for the baby, Not one year passes that I do not solemnly remember my due date that never came and my D&C date. I know that one day, we will meet this precious angel in heaven. I also now look at my 14 year old daughter. I know that this exact child, would not exist today if that baby had not passed away. It is all so bittersweet. I know that moms like you and I are not alone. Ever. Our babies are always with us. God bless and heal you Julie.
Julie,
I used to read your blog religiously every day, but life got away from me-work, family, etc and I hadn’t been on lately. Well I came on today to search for a recipe I wanted to make from years ago and while the page was loading something told me ‘something happened to her baby’ … I became a bit frantic as the page loaded but the first picture I saw when I got on was Chase so I knew nothing was wrong. And then I saw this post. I am crying for you. I am so sorry you had to experience this and I pray for your rainbow baby soon. <3
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Julie! I initially read it soon after it happened, was drawn back to re-read it when I was pregnant and felt like something wasn’t right and now today, I had my d&c after finding there was no heart beat on the ultrasound earlier in the week. Your story gave me strength and helped me make my decision to go through with the d&c. I think it is crazy that miscarriage is so common but nobody ever talks about it. Thank you for speaking up about this topic. <3 Your story has brought tears to my eyes. It also inspires me to share my story with others and keep the awareness about miscarriage going.
Rachel, I hate that you are going through this right now. It is so unbelievably hard. <3 I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.
Hi Julie, I’m a long time reader as well and felt so sad for you when I read this post months ago. This week my husband and I went through nearly the exact same experience, it was a rare and complicated unexpected loss at 12.5 weeks with no symptoms as well. Yesterday was my surgery and the pain and sadness comes and goes. We have a long road ahead, but I know its not in my hands anymore. We hold tight to our son Owen, who is 20 months. Anyway, I’m writing because I connect to your comments about not be ashamed or hiding your loss. Its something I’m OK talking about, because I felt so much love and connection to our baby for what felt like a really long time. Take care, Megan
Thank you for speaking up and ending the silence of early pregnancy loss. Please join us in breaking the silence – http://www.miraclehoperegistry.com – http://www.facebook.com/miraclehoperegistry –
I came back to reread this blog since I am currently going through a miscarriage now. I think the most helpful part for me was in your notes section when you said you are going to take some time for yourself without a plan. I feel like that’s what I need right now. I feel incredibly guilty for not only the miscarriage itself but for not going into work the last few days but I know emotionally I’m just not ready. Your blog post was comforting. Thank you.
Dear Julie,
Scrolling through I see so many woman who have turned to your posts for guidance and hope after a miscarriage. That is exactly why I visited today (after reading all of your posts as they are posted) I just learned of my missed miscarriage yesterday and had a D and C last night. I have never been so sad; I am sad to the very core of my being and feel like I will be forever. I look at your beautiful boys and know that anything is possible, but today I am using your words to guide me through this grief. Thank you very much.
I’m going through a missed miscarriage right now, and going back and hearing your words are so validating for all of the emotions I’m going through. I cycle through anger, sadness, and denial. I was supposed to see the baby at 10.5 weeks yesterday, but instead I got the worst news of my life. I feel hopeful by your story and knowing where you are now. Thank you for always being so open.