On Tuesday afternoon, Ryan and I went in for my 12 week prenatal appointment. I was pregnant and we could not have been more thrilled for the baby growing in my belly. We loved our baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant and began dreaming about what our baby would be like from the beginning. What will make our baby laugh? What will our baby love more than anything? Will our baby be a boy or a girl? Will our baby be independent and curious? Sensitive and smart? Strong-willed or easygoing?
As I hopped up on the examination table, the paper crinkling under the weight of my body, I felt the anxiousness that comes with any prenatal appointment but excited that today would be the day we’d hear our baby’s heartbeat. As the nurse moved the cold gel over my body, we listened for the fast pitter-patter of our tiny baby’s heartbeat. We heard my slow, rhythmic heartbeat and we heard static. And more static. The nurse brought another nurse in to listen and we soon found ourselves waiting for an ultrasound because “sometimes babies like to hide” and it can be hard to hear the heartbeat depending on their positioning.
I felt uneasy and anxious as we waited. Something didn’t feel right but Ryan and I remained hopeful and prayed.
Once the ultrasound began, I knew within seconds something was not right because they never put the image of our baby on the TV screen and the technician kept her eyes on the computer as she maneuvered the gel over my belly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at the computer screen and I saw our baby. But I didn’t see that wonderful, beautiful flicker that comes along with a beating heart.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m so sorry,” the technician replied. She explained that she could not find our baby’s heartbeat and that, judging by our baby’s size, growth ceased around nine weeks.
My heart dropped. I looked at Ryan and tears immediately filled my eyes. I never had any signs or symptoms of miscarriage to cause any concern. We had just seen our baby and our baby’s rapid heartbeat on the TV screen a few weeks earlier during my first prenatal appointment. What was happening? The technician stepped out of the room and told us the doctor would be in to see us shortly. I broke down and cried into Ryan’s chest as we both tried to wrap our heads around our loss.
We were at the doctor’s office for two hours. Two hours of tears, questions, decisions. Two hours of the doctor assuring me this was not my fault, telling me that 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the issue was likely chromosomal. She told me to let go of any personal guilt I may be carrying but that has proven impossible. She encouraged us to grieve and allow ourselves to feel the confusion, the sadness, the devastation and the loss that comes along with losing a baby you never had the chance to meet. A baby I will never have the chance to hold and cover in so much love.
I felt nauseated when we discussed what would happen next and my options. I quickly made the decision to proceed with surgery – a D&C procedure our doctor assured me was safe and I knew that was the option that was best for me and the way I felt emotionally at the time.
I am grateful I was able to have my D&C on Wednesday. The 24 hours I spent knowing I had our sweet baby in my belly without the ability to help our baby, without the ability to will my body – our baby’s “safe place” – to heal our baby made me feel more helpless than I have in my entire life. In the moments at the hospital before I went under anesthesia for my D&C, I could not stop the tears again, knowing this would be the last time I would have in my life to be physically connected to our baby.
Through this process I’ve felt an immense depth of sadness but I cannot help but feel something that I can only describe as God’s presence. I feel at peace knowing our baby, our tiny olive-sized little baby, is in heaven. Our baby is safe and happy and I have a feeling Mimi was the first one to wrap her great grandbaby in her arms until I hope and pray I will one day.
Though this is incredibly personal and private I am sharing this on the blog today because I am not ashamed. I hate that so many women have felt this pain. And my heart breaks for those who have felt this pain and much, much worse. Truthfully, speaking with some of my very close friends who have been through this journey made me feel less alone and supported the way only a shared experience can.
Right now, I am sad but I am hopeful. I am heartbroken by our loss but I also know it could’ve been so much worse and for that I feel grateful. I know I am so lucky to have the husband I have by my side and a healthy toddler – my ray of sunshine. I am thankful I had 12 weeks to carry our baby in my belly and we will never forget this special little peanut.
***
Note: Yesterday’s blog post and social media shares were pre-written and scheduled on Monday. I’ve taken the past three days to unplug and surround myself with my family and the kindness of friends at this time. I hope to respond to blog comments and emails soon but plan to follow my heart and take time to breathe and grieve without a plan at the moment. Thank you, truly, for your understanding and support through the good and the bad and the unexpected on this blog. I appreciate it so, so much.
Throughout this experience, I have found myself constantly thinking of those who have experienced multiple miscarriages, those who have lost babies farther along in pregnancy and those who have lost precious children. You have my deepest sympathy, my tears, my love and my prayers.
I must also take a moment to acknowledge how incredibly grateful I feel for the unbelievably kind doctors, nurses and medical professionals Ryan and I encountered through this experience. I know many of you work in this field and are with women and their families as they go through this process and I cannot tell you what a difference it made to me to feel protected, cared for and surrounded by professionals who were sensitive, skilled and compassionate. Thank you for the work you do.
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Much love to you and Ryan
My heart goes out to you. I had a miscarriage two weeks ago, at 11+2 weeks. I bled so heavily, and cramped up so badly, I knew immediately what was happening when I woke up in the middle of the night. This baby would have been our first born. The doctor told us too, that there is nothing they could do (or I could have done) to prevent this. That it is just usually nature’s way when there’s something wrong. I’m really unsure as to where to go now, and what to do next. I was in my heart all prepared for maternity leave, baby time, and all that comes with it. Definitely if I get pregnant again, I know this experience will cast a shadow over it, and there will be a lot of worry in place of the calm happiness and trust I felt the first time around.
Wishing better times ahead for both of us. <3
So, so sorry for your loss.
Julie, I am so sorry for yours and Ryan’s loss. Dealing with the loss of a baby, even if you never got the chance to meet him/her is just devastating. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
It took my parents 7 years before they were able to have me, and during that time, my mom suffered at least 2 miscarriages. She knew it wasn’t her fault, but couldn’t help feeling lost and confused as both a mother, as well as a nurse/wife of a doctor. But you know what? After years of trying and finally diving into the adoption process, she became pregnant with me – and then my 2 brothers and my sister followed, each 2 years apart. And while she still includes the “lost” baby in her prayers, she also tells us often that she is grateful that God gave her more time to prepare mentally, physically, and financially before “sending her her 4 greatest blessings.”
You are so lucky to be surrounded by a wonderful, close knit family who loves and supports each other. Hug Ryan; hug your beautiful baby boy, and know that things WILL get better – just give it time 🙂
I’m so so sorry to hear about your loss. I had a hunch you may have been pregnant again. My thoughts are with you both. I’m sure Mimi’s looking after your little one ✨
Sending light and love ✨
My prayers go out to you and your family. So sorry for your loss. I’m grateful that you shared your story, so families who have gone through this know they are not alone. ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss, there is no loss deeper than that of losing your baby. I grieved for months after losing my babies at 8 weeks, and now nearly 2 years on, I still think about them constantly. It took me so long to see the joy in life again, even long after I feel pregnant again, but with time and a lot of tears, I got there. And you will too. Lots of love.
What a brave post – thanks for your honesty and vulnerability in such a public forum about a topic too often never discussed. So sorry for your loss and sending thoughts and prayers to you and your entire family.
I am so so sorry for your loss. Julie. I’ll be thinking of you and your family during this time. So glad you have such a great family, husband, and little boy to get you through this incredibly tough time.
You are brave for sharing such a personal story. Sending you, Ryan and Chase (Sadie too!) lots of love and hope.
How incredibly sad and véry courageous to share with your readers.
I hope you and Ryan feel the warmth of all who are close to you (as well as the warmth from your readers who might be less close, but do care for you) and can find the strength to go through the grieve that comes with such loss. Wishing all the best and more.
so heart breaking! I can only imagine what you went through. having two kids myself, I can understand from the mother’s perspective of what’s losing babies. God blesses you, I’m sure he/she is in peace in the heaven.
Big hugs. Take your time to grieve.
Julie,
I’m so, so sorry to hear of your loss. As someone who had two miscarriages before having an amazing baby girl my heart goes out to you and your family. I want to thank you for sharing your story and experience. I’m sure it was really hard for you to write the post, but it will help others who have been through this to not feel so alone. Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry you and your family had to experience that. I wish you all the best.
I am so sorry for you loss! 🙁 ?❤
Dear julie,
Thank you for sharing. Sending much love to you and your family
Sending love and prayers to you and your family <3
May you find strength and hope during this tough time and find comfort with the company of your wonderful husband, son and family. Thinking of you (all the way from Australia)! Best wishes.
Julie so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your family during this time.
Julie- I am very sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was also a miscarriage, and I found out the same way at our 12 week appointment, that our baby had stopped growing around 8 weeks. It was devastating as I had already been loving this baby and dreaming of the future. The pain was so deep and I cried for a long time. In time I found a way to move on. I now have 2 beautiful girls. My first baby will always be in my heart. I hope you find peace and squeeze your boy even more tight in the process.
Sending you boundless love.
Julie, I’m so sorry. I’ve experienced two miscarriages myself, one at 13 weeks and one at 9 weeks, and I know how devastated you must feel. There was no greater sadness for me. Remember this isn’t your fault, and you are capable of carrying happy and healthy baby, and you will have as many more happy and healthy babies as you’d like to! This is something a doctor once told me as my miscarriages happened between my first and second babies. I am now a very grateful mom of 3. Keeping you in my prayers.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I pray that you and your family find peace and healing. Lean on each other during this time. I also want to thank you for sharing your story. It must not have been easy, but by doing so, you have helped others out there who are going through similar storms. Thank you for your honesty and I choose to believe that everything is a season. And after every storm, there is a rainbow.
Prayers and love to you and yours.
Hugs. This was beautifully written.
Julie – Thank you for sharing your devastating news. Like many, i have also gone through this nightmare. With 3 healthy teenagers, my pain has subsided – but please allow yourself time to grieve and be enveloped in the love of your family and friends.
You are so brace to share your story. I also experienced a miscarriage and the loss is so painful and disorienting. Having a loved one or someone to connect with helped me. I know this post will help others. Much love to you and Ryan.
Sending you all the love in the world. I had a medical miscarriage two weeks ago with what would have been our second baby, and I’m still feeling so much grief – I had love and plans and dreams for this baby and was so excited for my daughter to have a sibling – I had already gotten her a “Big Sister” shirt. It’s so, so hard but it helps to know that I’m not alone.
Sending so much love to you and your family ❤
My heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Prayers for you all.
Thinking of and praying for you and your family at this challenging, raw, and emotional time. We have been through a miscarriage with almost the exact same timeline and it changes you and your heart forever. Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. Where there is much grief there was great love.
But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.
Luke 22:32
I am so sorry for your loss. Feb 16 will mark the anniversary of my D and C which followed a molar pregnancy – a pregnancy in which the fetus turns cancerous.
I hope that it gives you hope that I am commenting on this post while snuggling my 5 week old rainbow baby which was conceived a few weeks after my loss. Thank you for sharing your story will help other people
So much love to you Julie. Losing a baby is hard. I had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with my son. We found out at our 8 week ultrasound that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. Nothing can prepare you for that. Take time to heal however you need to. If naming the baby and getting something to remember them (we named our baby Nadia, and I got a necklace with an “N” in a heart) will help you, then do it. Don’t let anyone tell you what you need to do to heal. Please know that I am here for you if you want to talk to someone, and just hug Chase a little tighter each time. He’s now got another guardian angel to watch over him.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Wishing you healing, support and love.
I am so sorry for you and your family. You are brave and courageous for sharing your story. Sending healing thoughts.
Dear Julie, I am so sorry for you loss. Having lost a pregnancy myself, I too found comfort in knowing I was not alone. So many women, unfortunately, experience this loss, but know it was not your fault. You have a loving family and take comfort in that. Thank you for doing something as difficult as sharing your story and pain. It isn’t easy, but it is important for others to know they aren’t alone either. <3
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
When life is tough I always tell myself “life’s tough, but I’m tougher” Sending you lots of virtual strength ❤️
So sorry from a long time reader. Also, you’re so brave to share this in an effort to help others. Thinking of all of you. <3
I’m so sorry for your loss, Julie. I’ve lost three pregnancies so I understand how it feels. It very, very common and knowing that helps some. But nothing stops the pain.
I am so, so sorry to hear this, Julie. I can’t imagine all the emotions you have. God Bless <3
I am so sorry for your loss Julie. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family during this tough time <3
Julie, you and your family are in my prayers. I strongly believe that your baby is now with Mimi and one day you will all be reunited.
Like so many others, I have been there… and I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. <3
I am so sorry Julie. I glad you feel God comforting you during this time. Miscarriages are so much more common than you realize, but it doesn’t make it easier. Thank you for sharing.
Julie,
I read your blog every day and even though we have never met, I feel like you are a friend. I am so sorry you and your family had to experience this. I will be thinking of you and I sending good thoughts, healing and peace your way…
I am so sorry to read this Julie. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling. But sending lots of love and hope for the future.
Sending lots of love and healing to you, Ryan, Chase & Sadie <3
So sorry for your loss Julie & family </3. I look forward to reading your blog every day and feel like we know each other. I hope you take all the time you need to take care of yourself and grieve.
Your friend,
Kate
I’m so sorry Julie and Ryan. Wishing you comfort and peace during this time. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Praying for you both
I am so sorry for you loss. But so impressed with your bravery in sharing a story so many people need to read. This happens to so many people and it can be so helpful to realize you’re not alone.
Thank you for sharing such a raw and intimate situation. I am so saddened for your loss but encouraged to know you believe in the Lord and are casting your sorrow and grief on the one who can heal all things. I just prayed for your pain and heartache, strength and wisdom for Ryan and your sweet Chase to provide joy and comfort when you need. Thank you for letting me Pray over this for you.