I cannot say enough wonderful things about Lisa and her blog and I hope you guys enjoy her guest post about knowing when breaking up with someone you love may be the best thing.
I think many of us can relate to struggling to end a relationship we know isn’t the one for us. It can be so difficult to call it quits when you care so deeply for someone and Lisa’s guest post does a great job of breaking it down and letting us all know she’s been there and can relate to what so many of us have gone through or are going through.
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Guest Post: I’m an Okie
Hi Peanut Butter fans! I’m Lisa from a little blog called I’m an Okie. It’s a fun and honest blog about my life. I blog about food and fitness, but most importantly my quest for healthy relationships, loving myself, and working through life’s daily struggles. I pride myself on holding nothing back on my blog and I strive to write honest posts about all of the ups and downs in my life.
When Julie asked me to write a guest post while she was in Europe (lucky girl), I was thrilled. I “met” Julie a few years back on a fitness forum where we connected. She decided to start a blog and I quickly followed suit. Other than my mom, I’m proud to say that Julie was my first reader. She is a wonderful girl and I’ve been so happy to call her a friend. I feel very honored to be on her blog today.
Julie is in a happy and healthy relationship. I think it’s safe to say that we all adore Julie and Ryan’s relationship. They are a great example of what love and life together should be.
I’ve loved, been loved, and let love go in my life. Unfortunately, I just went through a breakup of a 4-year relationship (which is well documented on my blog). The breakup was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
However, I came out on the other side and life has been much better because of it.
It’s hard to move on and break off a relationship that you know isn’t right for you. I knew I should’ve left mine before I did. The fear of change and the unknown often holds us back. We fear that we are making a mistake. We fear that we won’t meet someone new.
No matter what the reason is, avoiding the problem will never get you anywhere in the long-term. It’s better to identify when a relationship is going nowhere so we can address it, rather than cling onto it in blind hopes that things will change. If we hold on to relationships that are not meant to be, we can never attract new things into our life. We will forever be living in the past than moving forward into the future.
I’ve found that in relationships, there are common themes and signs that it might be time for you to move on…
1. When the same situation or problem occurs over and over and over again.
One time is not a problem. The second time you might give it another chance. If the same problem arises a third time, you might just need to accept that this is the furthest the relationship can go. If you keep bringing up an issue, and it never gets resolved or always ends back in the same place, then it could be tie to cut your losses.
2. When your significant other puts no effort into the relationship.
Relationships require hard work and effort. In my relationship, I was the one putting in most of the effort. I gave and gave to keep the relationship alive, until it eventually drained me and made me lose my self-identity in the end. True, relationships aren’t always 50-50. However, if you find yourself doing most of the giving then ask yourself: Could I do this for the rest of my life? Would it make me happy? Chances are it won’t.
3. When your self-perception starts to change—you were once a confident and strong individual and now you find yourself insecure.
If a relationship is bringing you down as a person, ask yourself why. Do you really want a person in your life that doesn’t make you feel like you the most beautiful girl in the world? I know that in my past relationship, I became very insecure. I was a confident, happy woman who started to become obsessive with her eating and obsessive with exercise. I had lost myself in the process of trying to get him to love me. No relationship is worth your self-esteem. If a relationship is holding you back from growing as a person, then it could be time to move on.
4. When you expect him to change, or he expects you to change.
I’ve found in my experience that it is very hard for people to change who they are. You can’t try to change a person to fit your expectations; you should be able to love the individual as they are. People are who they are. If he isn’t what you would like and you wish you could change some deal-breaker issues, then it’s time to move on.
5. When you keep justifying his actions.
I gave my ex a lot of excuses for his actions in the past. Maybe he didn’t know what to do. Maybe he was shy. Maybe he wasn’t sure of what to do with the relationship. Maybe this, maybe that. It was endless. Reality was, the action that I wanted wasn’t happening. I could make excuses left and right, but that doesn’t change anything. Sometimes you have to see it for what it is. Remember: Actions speak louder than words.
6. When your fundamental values and beliefs are different.
For any relationship to work, there has to be some common ground in your fundamental values and beliefs. Sure, each person can have varying opinions on issues and that’s healthy. What do you value in life? It could be matters regarding to religion, health, or simply what you want out of life. If your beliefs and values don’t match up on the MAJOR issues on your life, it will always be an uphill battle to keep the relationship alive.
Those are just SOME of the many reasons it might be time for you to move on. Of course, if there is mental, physical, or emotional abuse then it’s time to move on. That’s a given.
There is no clear-cut answer and only you can determine what is right for you and your relationship. Don’t let fear hold you back. Listen to your guts and your instinct and it will lead you in the right direction. If you believe in prayer, then certainly, pray about your relationship. You will know what to do.
And if you do decide to break up and move on from a relationship, have faith that things will turn out ok.
I made sure to buy myself lots of flowers in my mourning phase. Do things that make you smile. Dance alone in your living room (I do this all the time…trust me, there are videos on my blog to prove it). Get to know yourself again.
YOU WILL BE OK.
I will leave you with my mantra for 2011:
Why settle for less when you can have it all?
Thank you Julie for letting me occupy her space today! You can find me at http://www.imanokie.com, on Twitter, or on Facebook.
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Great post Lisa!!! So glad to see you guesting on PB Fingers ;-). My friend is going through a tough time right now trying to figure out whether she should stick out a relationship. I think this is great advice and will definitely tell her to read this!
I hope it helps her! I love my sometimes healthy girl! 🙂
Thanks for an awesome post Lisa! I think you’re really brave for having such an honest blog because its definitely not easy to put your whole life out there.
It’s not always easy for me either–in fact, it’s downright scary sometimes. But the more I put out there, the more support I receive and the more I feel more confident in situations. It’s a win-win.
Lisa, nice to ‘meet’ you! Great post and I admire your courage to move on rather than settle. I just blogged a similar post about how growth can only emerge after getting out of our comfort zones. Although that’s easier said than done, it really is wht it comes down to.
Yes! you are so right. I’ve grown more in these 5 months than I did in the past 2 years.
Thanks for this. I loved this post. It is exactly what I needed to read right now. 🙂
Glad it hit home! good luck!
Great post Lisa and I just love your mantra for 2011!
Another great guest post. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Thanks Julie for guest posting Lisa! Lisa, I wish you had written this for me 9 years ago when I was going through a relationship from hell. Every single point you just hit on applied to our relationship. I wish I had had the strength you had to end it myself. You are so strong and so smart to end your relationship. I know you will find the one and you’ll be so happy you didn’t settle!
Even if things didn’t go like you wanted or hoped for so many years ago, it sounds like you came out on top. Every situation is a learning experience ya know?!
Thanks for this great post. I’ve been in a almost 8 year relationship and in the process of splitting ways. This is the hardest decision but reading this helps me know that its probably for the best! Thanks!!
Good luck Krista! I can’t imagine being together 8 years and splitting ways. But, if it’s right then it’s right. It WILL he hard, but it will be worth it as well.
Love your blog, Lisa! And this is just another great post. You give excellent tips, and I agree with you 100%. Your mantra is a great one! 🙂
The more and more I read your posts, the more I know I made the right decision with my ex last week. Thanks again Lisa!
I thought of you when I was writing this! 🙂
Great post! I recently ended my relationship with my bf of 2.5 years and although it was really hard, i feel so much better because deep down i knew it just wasnt right.
So glad you found the courage to do what was right for you!
I really love this, thank you for sharing! So many girls settle for so much less than we dream of and deserve because we’re comfortable in our current situation – not necessarily happy and thriving – but comfortable and afraid of change. I think that we all deserve the best, no matter what, and we shouldn’t settle down until we find our prince. 🙂
Amen! I would much rather be happy and thriving, but it can be so hard to get the courage to move past the comfort of just an “ok” relationship.
Wow. Words cannot describe how happy I am to see this. I, too, am currently going through a break-up of 4 years (his choice) and am currently trying to wrap my head around it all with little to no information as to why this is even happening. I know that I deserve better, and yes, there were problems in the relationship that I was afraid to bring up but this post was exactly what I needed to read this morning. I hope you are doing well, and you just gained another loyal reader!
It’s hard when you don’t feel like you understand why something is happening. Just hard to wrap your mind around it—but just remember, even though it was his decision, it was probably the best hting for both of you. You’ll find someone much better suited for you when the time is right!
I’ve been reading Lisa’s blog for a while and i love love love her! She’s a beautiful friend, person, inspirational, and COMPLETELY HONEST! I love that about her, and strive for that in myself 🙂
you are too too kind my friend! <3 you.
Lisa, I also always love your blog for your pure honesty and openness to share. I’m so glad your struggles have brought you to a better, happier, you-er place! It iss what every woman deserves!
Thanks mel! Thanks for always sticking around my blog and offering support!
It’s actually crazy how much some of your descriptions match the 2 year relationship I got out of this past winter. As a senior in college, it was coming down to crunch time in deciding what to do after graduation, and I realized that I wasn’t the same person in the relationship that I was before, or that I wanted to be.
For the first couple weeks after the breakup it was weird, and sad, but I can safely say that I’ve gotten my confidence back and am enjoying being on my own for a while. 🙂
Thank you so much for the honest, inspiring post. Good luck with everything; you’re strong enough to get through this!
Sounds like you did the right thing then! I love that you weren’t afraid to question your life and where it was at and make the changes you needed to make it what you wanted!
Great post Lisa. The one thing that stands out to me is that you have to be able to tell your mate exactly how you are feeling without fear.
Thanks mom! 🙂 Love you.
This is a fabulous post, Lisa! It’s been inspiring to watch you move through and grow past this difficult time.
This is a great post and I think all of your points are right on target.
This post could not have come at a better time! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on relationships, I have learnt the hard way and I am finally learning to be assertive!
Assertive is good! keep at it 🙂
Ahhh this is such an amazing and heartfelt post, Lisa! I love your blog and how open and honest you are. Putting it all out there like this is going to save women a lot of heartache, in the end. Thank you for sharing such a powerful post with us!!!
Awesome post! It took me awhile to find my true love….and a lot of heartbreaks–but it was ALL worth it 🙂
great guest post! we can all relate 🙂
Lisa, for some reason the universe sends me your posts at just the right times. I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately, but what you’ve written here made me realize that I probably would have left that past relationship eventually. I did feel insecure. The same problems did keep coming up. I was working harder than he was. Thanks for some much-needed perspective. XO
aww Melissa. I’m glad. When we get lonely, we always remember the good things and seem to forget the bad ya know?
I feel like this is fate or something…my boyfriend of seven years and I broke up…last night. We’ve lived together for three years and have eight more months on our current lease. He is out looking for a new apartment now. I will be okay…
You will be ok. I promise. I had to live with my ex for a month after we broke up. Things will get better, especially when you can have some time apart.
This is such a great post! My boyfriend and I have different religious backgrounds, and it is definitely something that we have both questioned. Thankfully, we’re both willing to work at finding a compromise, but it doesn’t always come easy! In my past relationships I use to change to please the other person, but you’re right, that NEVER works!
As much as I’m missing miss Julie, I’m loving these guest blogs! I can see so many reasons (like the above mentioned ones) why my last long relationship failed. Love sure is blind and when you wake up, it’s just like what was I thinking!
I feel so so so lucky in the relationship I am in now. My partner is constantly making be grow as a person, and pushing me to do better. I am blessed to have him for many reasons 🙂
I love what you said about your new partner…that he makes and allows you to grow as a person. I think that’s so important.
Thanks so much for doing a guest post for Julie while she is away in Europe! I went through a breakup in October that wasn’t of my choosing but after reading this I feel a bit better about it since some of these things were true of my relationship.
I’m going to check your blog out now 🙂
I always try to look for the positives in things, and
it sounds like you are now with your recent breakup! That’s so important….perhaps you are much better off ya know??
I probably am better off, it’s just hard to accept because it wasn’t my choice.
Lovin’ your blog btw 🙂
YEA LISA! this is a great post. Im so glad to see you on here after following your blog as well!
Great post, Lisa!! The points you made are SO true… all of these things were happening in my last relationship a couple years back & things ended terribly because I kept trying to make it work! I thought I would never find anyone else and it took a lot of strength to get though, but now, a couple years later, I am much more confident and happy with myself AND I’m in a very happy & healthy relationship now:) Just keep on going & being strong and you will find life a little sunnier now without the pressures and worries from this past relationship! 🙂 Thanks for the post- will be following your blog now for sure!
Isn’t it funny that we think we will never find anything better…yet, it’s a crappy relationship to begin with? Glad you got the strength to go for what you want!
Amazing advice and if anyone is reading this who can relate and is scared to make the change or push they know in their heart is needed: DO IT.
After reading Lisa’s post on how/why/etc her relationship ended, I did a lot of (scared-)thinking. I finally made the jump across the great unknown of my comfort zone and moved out of my boyfriend’s house. It sucked and it was HARD. And you know what, I feel a zillion times better.
Anyway, the moral of the story being that you must believe in yourself and your gut feelings- and listen to Lisa, she knows what she’s talking about. 😉
I agree with your entire list, especially #4. There ARE things you can change about another person, like habits and certain trivial behaviors, such as how messy a person is (my current boyfriend changed this for me) or whether or not they pick their long strands of hair from the drain (what i’ve changed for my boyfriend). However, you cannot change who a person is. Sometimes we like to think that people will change, but in reality, it is highly unlikey if not impossible.