This weekend was a good one. I mean it. It was a challenging one because we were faced with the due date of the first baby we lost on Saturday, but, to be honest, I think last week was harder. I struggled last week because all along I assumed I’d give birth to our second child early since Chase was two weeks early and I basically took our due date as a “due by” date. Now that August 12 has come and gone, it’s almost, in some sick way, a relief because it was something weighing so heavily on me. To avoid sugarcoating anything, yes it 100 percent totally and completely sucks that I don’t have that baby in my arms right now. But I cannot change it or understand it and our two losses are challenging me in ways I’ve never been challenged before.
I also thought that reaching the due date would allow the “should bes” I’ve been dealing with all along to dissipate. I “should be” 20 weeks pregnant. I “should be” entering my third trimester. I “should be” days away from giving birth.
As it turns out, the “should bes” are still there – I “should be” nursing a newborn right now – and now, I realize, they may never fully go away even if they do become less and less of a conscious thought. For the record, the “should bes” totally suck, too.
But I don’t want to focus on the “should bes” this morning. I want to focus on our weekend, the one I told you was a good one. And, after the thoughts I shared on Thursday, that’s where I’m directing my energy right now.
Friday
Friday night was sticky and humid. Kids in our area are getting ready to go back to school and despite thick air and heat, it seemed like everyone was outside, our family included.
Ryan, Chase, Sadie and I played at the park, searched for Dory and Nemo among schools of fish in the lake and made our way home where we all ate cereal for dinner because that felt right.
We read a billion books with Chase (his current favorites are Pete the Cat and Dr. Seuss’s ABC Book) before kissing him goodnight.
Once Chase was asleep, Ryan had to pack for an upcoming trip and while he assembled his stuff, I headed into the kitchen to make no bake nut butter balls to bring to my friend Carrie who just had a baby and I made a double batch so we could have some on hand as well.
By the time I was done, Ryan was ready to join me on the couch and we spent a solid hour loving some much-needed uninterrupted conversation before we eventually made our way upstairs to bed.
Saturday
Saturday morning began with coffee and some behind-the-scenes blog work while Ryan worked out at home. Once Chase was up, the three of us ate a big breakfast together before Ryan had to head off to the airport. He’s joining my dad and some friends on a spearfishing adventure in the Florida Keys for the next few days and left looking incredibly excited. I hope they’re all having a blast even if we are missing him a lot!
Once we said goodbye to Ryan, Chase and I drove to the gym. I was craving a good sweat and I could tell Chase was in an extra-playful mood and would benefit from running around with other kids. While he played in childcare, I took myself through a biceps, triceps and shoulder workout.
I formatted the workout in three quadruple sets and tried to maintain focus and keep my pace quick without sacrificing form. It was a good one!
I knew we had a solid hour or two before the Davidson Farmer’s Market closed after my workout, so I scooped Chase up and the two of us headed off to the market to pick up some produce and cheese and explore.
Chase is usually so independent, so when he stopped in his tracks as we approached the market, looked up at me, reached out and said, “Mama, hand,” I focused hard on the feeling of his sticky, sweaty little palm in mine. For what must’ve been the 5,000th time, I found myself thinking about how grateful I am to be his mama. (It’s amazing to me how two of the most healing things in my life right now – Chase and Sadie – have no idea what’s going on at all. God bless children and dogs.)
The two of us walked around the market and split a pint of fresh blackberries in the grass before heading home for Chase’s nap.
Since my dad is off in the Keys spearfishing with Ryan, my mom and I chatted about her coming in town to spend a couple of days with me, Chase and Sadie while our guys are away and I was so excited to welcome her back in town on Saturday afternoon! Chase has been asking for “Mae” non-stop since she left after his birthday at the end of July and it felt like such a treat to have her back again so soon! (My mom was initially “Grammy” but that was too hard for Chase to say so her grandmother name quickly morphed into “Mae” and I just love it!)
My mom arrived a little after lunchtime and encouraged me to meet up with my girlfriends to see my friend Carrie’s newborn son while Chase was sleeping, so Lauren, Laura and I arrived at Carrie’s at 2 p.m. to cuddle with Tommy and hear all about his arrival. Meeting Tommy was so wonderful and even though parts were hard for obvious reasons, I truly could not be happier for Carrie, Nick and Lilly and their newest addition. He is perfect and after such a challenging pregnancy for Carrie, I am so relieved he arrived healthy and that Carrie is doing so well.
We followed Carrie’s lead and stayed for about an hour and a half before saying goodbye and heading home. I arrived with 45 minutes to spare before my mom, Chase and I headed off to the Saturday evening service at church.
We spent the rest of our night at home, eating roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn and peas for dinner (ultimate comfort food!) before Chase was ready for bed. Not long after he went down, my friend Laura surprised me by stopping by with flowers to recognize our baby’s due date (she’s seriously the best) and after she left, my mom and I curled up on the couch and watched a super-cheesy movie on Netflix before calling it a night.
Sunday
Sunday morning began with a short hike at a nearby park.
My mom, Chase and I arrived around 9 a.m. ready to hike the shady trails and Chase was all about it!
I hope he continues to love the outdoors as much as he does right now for the rest of his life. He’s definitely in his element when he’s outside!
We worked up an appetite while we were out and about and decided to swing by the new Duck Donuts location that just opened in Huntersville on our way home.
From past experiences we’ve learned to order Chase the same doughnuts the adults order or our doughnuts will immediately become Chase’s doughnuts so we each got a pink frosted doughnut with sprinkles and polished them off in no time at all.
Because sugar was apparently the theme of the day on Sunday, when we made it home, Chase requested “cook!” as a fun activity before naptime, so we whipped up a batch of homemade sugar cookies with the help of our little sous-chef.
It didn’t take Chase long to figure out that cookie dough is the jam.
Also, I received quite a few questions about the little stand Chase is using to help me cook in our kitchen lately and it is the Guidecraft Kitchen Helper. It’s the BEST and we use it every single day. Chase loves being involved in cooking and baking and this kitchen helper allows him to stand at counter-level (it’s adjustable to two different heights) and can fold flat for storage. We secured little felt pads to the bottom of the legs so we can just pull it out and around our kitchen island without it scratching our floors and haven’t put it away once since we put it together because it quickly became a daily staple. I highly recommend it for those of you out there with toddlers who want to be involved in cooking, baking or just want to see what you’re up to at the kitchen counter. (There are also lots of options for similar kitchen helpers in various colors on Amazon.)
Surprisingly Chase napped well after our cookie dough extravaganza and I used his naptime time to begin working on this blog post.
Once Chase was up again, we spent the rest of our Sunday reading books and hanging out at home, exploring outside and walking Chase and Sadie to a local park before it was time for dinner and bed… and Big Brother!
The week ahead should be a decent one. Today will be filled with appointments (car repair + dentist + pediatrician) but hopefully the rest of the week will be little more fun. I’ll try my best to pop in again to bring you along for the ride.
Thanks so much for stopping by the blog today. I hope you all enjoy your week!
***
Before signing off this morning, I must address what happened in Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend. It is horrible and horrifying. I shared a link to an article about ways to stand up to the hate that took place in Charlottesville on my Instagram stories last night, but I want to conclude this post by once again directing you to the article that features ways you can support the fight against white supremacy and racism.
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So glad you had a good weekend! Sending good vibes for a wonderful week!
I’m so glad to hear you had a great weekend! What an awesome friend Laura is to remember your due date, so incredibly kind and sweet of her to bring you flowers. Have a great time with your mom while Ryan is away, so nice of her to come up and visit you, Chase and Sadie.
Looks like a great weekend! Chase reaching for your hand just melts my heart!
I always love uninterrupted conversation time with my husband – we have been taking lots of walks as a little family (me + him + our dog Kimber) and it’s such a great way to unwind and just talk to each other!
Enjoy your day Julie!
Walks are the best for quality time + conversation. And I bet Kimber loves it, too!!
That’s so sweet that your friend brought you flowers for your due date. Even though I was pregnant again, the due date still hurt and even more so that no one acknowledged it. The “should be”s are the worst. I redownloaded a pregnancy app that apparently hadn’t had the info cleared and cried when it told me about my three week old baby. As hard as it is, I try to remember that for whatever reason, that timing wasn’t right and we are so blessed with this baby we have coming now. I know that will be the case for you and Ryan soon too. Praying for your rainbow <3
I am so sorry for your loss, Kaci. <3 Prayers for a healthy pregnancy and delivery!
You have the sweetest family Julie! So happy that your mom is with you now! Sending you warm thoughts. ❤️❤️
Just wanted to drop a comment and say how much I look forward to your blogs everyday and sympathize with your struggles currently. Wishing you the best!
Thank you, Aubree. <3 I appreciate your comment very much.
Cereal for dinner is always fun once in awhile!
Thinking of you and your family during this difficult season! <3
Dogs and kids are so good for the heart and soul. They’re pure joy for life is so refreshing. And so often they have no idea what a blessing they really are.
I look forward to your posts so much! I’m so sorry for this period you’re dealing with right now. I’m really bad knowing what to says during times like this but you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for continually sharing your life and family with us! That’s wonderful to see how close you are with your family and even more so to see how close Ryan is with them. Have a blessed day, Julie!
So glad you had a good weekend. I often feel like I wish I could be a kid or a dog that has no idea what’s going on in the world. And love that Chase likes to help you in the kitchen. I will always remember helping my mom when I was little and getting to lick the beater 🙂
I can only imagine how hard the should bes are. I’m glad your mom was able to come visit again. Just having family around can help during tough times.
I can only imagine how hard the should bes are. I’m glad your mom was able to come visit again. Just having family around can help during tough times.
for me the days leading up to my daughters due date were harder than the actual day 🙁
thank you for mentioning Charlottesville, it’s sad that there’s still such ugly racism in the world 🙁
This sounds like a fantastic weekend! It really is amazing how kids and dogs always seem to know how to make you feel better when you need it the most. They are way smarter than we know. I’m really glad you got some good, quality time with your mom and Chase. 🙂
Hi Julie, really appreciate your explicit mention for how to help combat racism. I live in DC and it was a very sad weekend in a number of ways.
Chase looks so much like Ryan in the cookie dough pic!
You and your family have been on my heart so much! I know you know this, but you are not alone. I have a four and a half year old daughter who lights me up. I decided I wanted a gaggle of kids after she was born :). We started trying when she was one, and we tried and tried and tried. Secondary infertility is crazy because you never expect it to happen after having your first child naturally. After three years, surgeries, two rounds of IVF and lots and lots of tears and prayers, we are 31 weeks pregnant with a miracle baby. I never pictured this as our path and had many times of doubts and wondering if we were destined for one baby. It made me sooooo thankful for her!! A quote that helped me a lot towards the end of our journey is “You’re gonna be happy, said life, but first I’ll make you strong”. I’ll be thinking of you!
Love that quote, Jess! 🙂
I know there is so much in this post I could respond to — your emotions, the due date, your amazing friends, mom’s visit, and even the horrible events that happened this weekend. But I wanted to say that there’s something truly magical about the love from a dog and how it makes you feel each day. My little pup was there with me through so much struggle to get pregnant for a couple of years, and he always comforted me like no other – his little face, snuggles and love – I had no idea how much a dog could mean to me. Sadie has been there for you for so long! What a good girl! 🙂 Hope this week continues to bring you some recovery, Julie! 🙂
it looks like you had an absolutely beautiful weekend!! i’m with you – dogs and kids are the most incredible, loving things in the world. i used to love nannying when i was having a bad day because hugs from the little girls always cheered me right up! and duck donuts is my all-time fave, jealous you have one near you!!!!
Glad you guys had such a great weekend! And yes, Chase, cookie dough is the jam!
The “should bes” are so hard. I know from experience <3 On a lighter note, I'm working from home today and saw the recipe for the nut butter balls and realized I have all the ingredients! Just made them using peanut butter and subbing maple syrup for the honey, and they are awesome. Will double the recipe next time 🙂 Thanks for sharing and glad you guys had a great weekend!
I am so glad you liked the recipe! Thanks for taking the time to let me know!
Be careful about giving littles cookie dough – the raw eggs can make them very sick!
Hi Kate! I can’t speak for Julie, but I know that the eggs I buy are pasteurized, and the process has killed any harmful bacteria. I understand that raw flour may also present an issue (I think there was recall on a particular brand, a while back), but I think as long as the flour you’re using isn’t part of the recall, the risk would be incredibly minimal. Best to be cautious, for sure, but I doubt anyone is ingesting massive amounts of raw cookie dough. As much as we’d like to do so 😉
This sounds like such a nice weekend! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with the Should Be’s, but I’m sending you love!
Kim
http://trendkeeper.me .. Dallas events this week!
I’m so glad you had a good weekend, Julie! Sending you many prayers and hugs still! Xoxo
I feel the exact same way about the should be’s and feel like I will until 11/17, too. It stops me in my tracks sometimes and brings tears to my eyes and then somehow you just keep going.
Continued prayers for you and your family. Thank you so much for addressing what is going on in Charlottesville.
As someone who’s been through exactly what you’re going through, even though it doesn’t seem like it will ever go away, you do eventually forget those dates. For the longest time I could remember the exact date of each of my losses as well as my due dates. After having two babies after those losses, I can still say what month they wouldn’t been in, but can’t recall the exact day. And, occasionally I forget the months all together. At some point I’m sure you’ll get to that place. Glad to see that your son and dog are helping you cope! I have a viszla as well who helped me get through the tough times!
I want to first thank you for mentioning the events in Charlottesville this weekend and for directing your readers to ways they can help. Thank you, thank you, thank you for acknowledging that these events are real and for confidently taking a stand against the horrific acts we witnessed, as opposed to ignoring them altogether and pretending they don’t exist. <3
Despite the news, you seem to have had a wonderful weekend filled with love, energy and sunshine! Also, I've had that exact donut from Duck Donuts before, and it did not disappoint. I prefer more cake-like donuts (and not warm ones, which is surprising!), but I love the customized sweet treats from Duck!
Glad to hear your weekend was a good one! <3
I’m so glad your weekend was such a good one (with your mom in town! How fun!) I too had a good weekend and wasn’t online at all on Saturday so I didn’t see the news about Charlottesville until Sunday. Thank you for including a link to an article on what people can do to help!! So devastating.
I love your little kitchen helper – what a great idea! So much safer than a stool or a chair. And this will get him interested in cooking throughout his life, which will be a tool he’ll always need!
I’m happy you’re happier, but know that it’s still a hard time for you overall. You’re a trooper, and my prayers are ongoing. xoxoxo
Your friend sounds like the BEST to do that for you! So funny about the donuts!
First, thank you for such an honest post. I am so sorry for your losses.
Second, I hope it’s okay if I share my experience. My first 2 pregnancies ended in miscarriage (week 7 and then week 9). One was in early 2010 and again in late 2010. I had pretty much given up hope that we would ever have one child, let alone the 4 we had dreamed about having. I will spare you the inbetweens, but I am now a mother of 4. My children were born in June 2012, October 2013, August 2015, and May 2017. 2 boys and 2 girls. As awful and heartbreaking as it is… sometimes back-to-back miscarriages are a “chance” thing. Don’t give up hope!
Thank you again for explicitly mentioning ways to help and take a peaceful and powerful stand against the violent racism, antisemitism, and xenophobia on display this weekend in Charlottesville. as a Blackwoman, the silence of allies in wake of blatant racism or any type of oppression is almost more painful than the overt marcoaggression. Support and love go long ways to healing and comforting disheartened and scared souls. Thank you for taking a stand and encouraging others to as well.
I don’t know if the “should bes” ever truly disappear, but in practicing and learning mindfulness, there is a (very hard to do, and very comforting once done) practice called radical acceptance. It’s helpful for all, but, as someone who has also experienced traumatic and unexpected events beyond their control, it’s especially helpful for regaining full presence in life and in truly healing. I suggest looking into mindfulness books or classes, if this interests you. Faith is also healing.
I love your honestly and openness through this! I truly believe that God allows trails in our lives sometimes so we can simply help others and I know you are helping so many!
The Pete the Cat books are so cute, your friends are so sweet!
Thank you for addressing Charlottesville, it is much appreciated.
I am shocked by how few bloggers are brave/aware enough to write about Charlottesville. I am so impressed that in a post that is so deeply personal, and would have stood beautifully on it’s own, you took the time to talk about it. As a Jewish person (I wrote the Hannukah post for your blog like, five years ago, before I was married!) I am so grateful for you taking the time to write and mention it, even on a forum that normally does not discuss current events. Honestly, after Charlottesville I’ve stopped following several blogs that I’ve always loved that wrote posts on the day but did not mention the event – it just seems too much like trying to ignore the actual world in favor of a fantasy. Thank you for your bravery in everything you do, Julie.
Thank you so much, Kat. <3 It's so horrific to me. And I DO remember your post from years ago!! Thank you so much for continuing to read!
Hello Julie,
I have been reading your blog for several years now and you continue to cease to amaze me with your gorgeous layouts for photos, your spark and your transparency. I am experiencing some health challenges currently and personal challenges within my signifant other relationship and feeling balance …too much to describe now. After reading your entries, both when things are going happy rainbow time and when your heart is breaking, I still leave the page feeling hopeful and inspired and less saddened by some of my own challenges and pain. Thank you Julie for sharing so many beautiful and precious parts of your life.
Kelli
Thank you for saying what I have felt I was the only one who felt, the “should be”s . I miscarried a little before you did and have truly appreciated your sharing. it’s allowed me to feel “normal” and not alone. Being a little ahead of you on this journey I can say the “should be”s still exist but the pain of them gets softer. Thank you for being so brave about something that I know has changed you forever.
I too am heartbroken about what happened in Charlottesville. Thank you so much for addressing it. I mentioned it on my Instagram, but I was considering writing a whole post about it on my blog, even though I try not to get too political on my social media (despite the fact that I’m a diehard liberal). Aside from that, this is such a fun post! As always, I love looking at your amazing eats, the beautiful sights of nature, and of course, your family and you having the best time!
You are such a fabulous mommy and Chase couldn’t be sweeter. Im sorry you’ve experience such heartache. In awe of the grace you have handled it with. Thank you for sharing your story, praying for your family for healing and for another perfect miracle. God is good, all the time.
Thank you for this sweet comment, Kristin. I appreciate it so much.
Cute kid 🙂