It happened again. Almost exactly the same way.
We heard the heartbeat at eight weeks and saw a healthy little baby on the fuzzy gray and white screen during our first ultrasound. We had hope and joy through the pain we still felt from our first loss. And then, once again, our baby was gone.
I cried big, ugly tears when I got that positive pregnancy test in early June. It was the first real glimmer of hope we had that we would have another baby, a baby we hoped and prayed for and another beloved member of our family. When I saw the unmistakable word “pregnant” come back in big, bold letters on the pregnancy test, I cried what must’ve been the thousandth tear for the baby we lost and the journey it took for us to get to this new place where I was certain happiness would unfold from darkness. I cried for the joy and love I felt for our new baby growing inside me.
The weeks I waited for my first prenatal visit were filled with more anxiety than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I worried, I prayed, I Google miscarriage statistics by the day, I believed this time would be different.
As Ryan and I entered the ultrasound room during my eight week appointment I could barely breathe. I was terrified. And then the TV screen turned on and I knew everything was okay. I sobbed hard, my eyes and nose running like a faucet. A baby! A strong heartbeat! Our miracle.
I met with the doctor and explained some of the anxiety and stress I felt during the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I said so much of my fear was tied into the fact that our first loss was a missed miscarriage. I had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong and didn’t know our baby stopped living until I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and a heartbeat was undetected during my appointment. Every single day, I worried the same thing was going to happen; my body wouldn’t recognize a loss and we’d be blindsided.
When I asked about scheduling a 10-week ultrasound for my own peace of mind my doctor said she thought that was a good idea. I made the appointment and tried not to think about it in the two weeks that followed.
I dropped Chase off at a friend’s house on Thursday morning and Ryan joined me for our 10 week ultrasound. The anxiety I felt at 8 weeks was there, but I felt a little more at ease. What are the chances this would happen to us again? Everything would be okay.
The ultrasound technician came in and I felt the pressure of the internal exam as I tried to read the expression on her face. The TV in front of me didn’t turn on and she remained fixated on the computer in front of her. Silence followed.
No.
No.
This cannot be happening again.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
She told me she couldn’t go over the results from our ultrasound and a nurse practitioner would be in to see me shortly.
Ryan looked at me with sadness in his eyes and held me. I got dressed.
“How is this happening again?” I asked. Anger and frustration bubbled up immediately and I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin or go back in time to the day before when I was unaware of the fact that our baby’s heart was no longer beating.
It took us nearly an hour to meet with the nurse practitioner which almost broke me. At this point we had no answers, no confirmation of a loss and only our prior experience to draw from to assume our baby was no longer living. I was asked to step outside to be weighed and have my vitals taken. I glanced at the paper on the woman’s clipboard as I stepped on the scale and I saw my fears confirmed: Miscarriage.
I walked back into the room and sobbed. Anger, denial and frustration gave way to sadness and I fell apart.
Once we met with the nurse practitioner, she assured me, once again, that there was absolutely nothing I did or could’ve done to cause this to happen or prevent it from happening. She was kind, compassionate and understanding. She asked if I had any questions. I had a couple, mostly centered around multiple losses, but my questions were few and far between. We’ve been here before. I knew my options and requested a D&C.
As I walked into the hospital everything felt too familiar. I hate that I knew exactly where to walk to be admitted for surgery. I hate that I knew the color of the hospital sticky socks I’d pull on my feet and the chill I’d feel in my hand as the IV was administered. I hate that I knew to request extra blankets to snuggle under in my hospital gown because the room was going to be so cold. I hate that I didn’t have questions to ask about the procedure because this time I knew the answers.
Most of all I hated that once again we lost a baby. Another precious life we hoped and prayed for. Another life I couldn’t wait to call my son or daughter and love with every ounce of my heart and soul.
The same doctor who performed my first D&C performed my second D&C early Thursday evening which provided me a bit of comfort. (My blog posts and social media shares for Friday were all pre-written and scheduled Thursday morning before we learned about our loss.) My doctor was professional and incredibly compassionate and talked to me about our second loss and what that meant for my body and our hope for more children.
She said that, for the most part, two miscarriages do not signify the need for additional testing and that most doctors wait until a woman has experienced three losses to look into everything. My doctor looked at my records and said the fact that I have a healthy baby at home is a wonderful sign but Chase was born quite small and his size, coupled with the fact that I had two abnormal issues with my placenta during my first pregnancy, made her want do to a little digging this time. We agreed to have testing done and are awaiting the results to see if our loss was chromosomal (our doctor thinks this is most likely) or perhaps due to something else. I want answers but I’m scared of answers at the same time. But if answers can help us do something to prevent going through this pain again, I want to know everything.
After my D&C, Ryan and I picked Chase up at my friend Carrie’s house and headed home to eat pizza, cry and barely sleep, despite feeling intense exhaustion. I hugged Chase and thanked God for the billionth time for the biggest blessing in my life. Chase is my joy and this experience has only made us more acutely aware of what an intense and incredible blessing our son is in our lives.
Waking up on Friday morning knowing I was no longer pregnant was horrible and I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster since Thursday morning. I know from our first loss that I’m going to be okay and then I’m not… and then I’ll be okay again and that’s how it will be for a while.
That’s the weird thing about life. Just because you’re going through something hard doesn’t mean everything else stops around you. Sometimes that can be excruciatingly painful but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. Right now I’m craving distraction and routine… reminders that life moves forward and joy awaits. Reminders that grief and joy can coexist. I don’t crave moments alone, in fact I fear them right now because they’re hard, but they let me cry and work through our loss.
Our first miscarriage wasn’t the end of our journey for another baby. Our second miscarriage isn’t the end of our journey for another baby. I dream about years in the future when I hope and pray and believe our house will be filled with children and I can look back on this time in my life with sadness and sorrow but understand it was part of the long, winding road it took to get us where we are going. I just wish the road to get to wherever we’re going didn’t have to be so bumpy.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know exactly how you are feeling. I had 4 miscarriages before I had my son. He is a happy and healthy 13 year old now. Take time to rest and heal and enjoy every moment with Chase. Hopefully you will get some answers soon.
I’m so so very sorry for your loss. my heart breaks for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story, it must be very difficult to share but you are helping others by sharing. You are not alone.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family right now <3 Sending you lots of love right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss! You and your family wil be in my thoughts- I don’t even know you, but I’ve been a long time reader and had a son only a few weeks before Chase was born, so I have been following along even more closely since then. My heart breaks for you, and will be sending positive thoughts and energy your way!
Julie, I’m praying for you & your beautiful family <3 xo
I’m so sorry for your loss! thinking of you and your family
Oh my gosh Julie. I’m so sorry you are going through this again. I have had one miscarriage and really can’t imagine going through another one. I am praying for you.
Oh Julie, you are just such a ray of sunshine to all of us which makes this need all the more heart breaking. I know people say this all the time but you and your family really are in my thoughts and prayers. In fact I’m going to pray for you all right now. Thank you for sharing your heart, I know it’s so difficult but this community that you have brought with your writing genuinely has deep concern for you and your family❤️
*news
Oh Julie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how devastating it is and pray you find the strength to go thru this again. I also hope you get some answers into why this could be happening again and pray you find peace in whatever those answers may be. It’s clear you’re soaking up time with family, especially your beautiful boy. Hug him tighter and love him harder.
Julie, I have nothing to say except I am so sorry. While I have not personally been in your shoes, your story is almost identical to my SIL. She had one daughter, then had two back-to-back missed miscarriages. Her third pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby, and she now has two healthy and beautiful little girls. I always remember she said that her doctor told her the fact that she had carried one baby to term was an excellent sign. I hope you get some answers for your own peace of mind. I will be thinking of you.
*sorry, that should say 4th pregnancy.
Thank you, Heather. And thank you for sharing your sister-in-law’s experience. I’m so sorry for her losses. I’m also so happy she now has two beautiful daughters. <3
God is with you – and your beautiful words show that you know that even in your sadness. I will be praying for you guys.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss — no one should ever have to go through this. Praying for you and your little family as you grieve and heal.
I am so sorry, Julie. Sending love and prayers to you and your family.
Julie, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Thank you for being so honest and sharing one of the hardest moments of your life. Praying for you and your family.
I am so very sorry. I, too, experienced secondary infertility. I wish I could tell you that we have a house full of children now, but the reality is we are happy with our ‘one and only’. You’re in the middle right now, and I don’t know what the other side of this looks like for you, but please know that the other side is there, and it will come, and whatever it is will be happy. It might not look how you expected (my ‘other side’ doesn’t), but there’s good there, I promise. xo
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your precious family right now.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this again :'( many hugs
Oh my goodness, I am so very sorry. I know nothing anyone says or does can make this pain go away. I am an IVF Mom to both of my children as I was infertile at 24 years old. I know this journey is the hardest a woman could go through and I just want you to know that I am praying for you are your family. <3
I’m so, so sorry. Like so many others, I know firsthand what you are going through. Wishing you peace.
sending all my love, friend. wish i could be there to give you a big hug.
Julie, I am so very sorry. I noticed your absence from the blog and had a feeling something was wrong. I was praying for you that this wasn’t the case again.
I have never lost a baby, but I did have an extremely premature birth (my first son – born at 25 weeks weighing less than 2lbs) so I know the fear and pain and anxiety that comes with a pregnancy after a traumatic pregnancy. I can’t imagine the grief you are feeling right now, but I know you will get through this. Sending love and light your way.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is so incredibly unfair. I am sending positive vibes and prayer your way. You bring so much happiness to other peoples’ lives through your writing and sharing on your blog.
Oh Julie! As soon as I saw the title I gasped. I am so sorry for your loss and I know no words can truly comfort you. Praying for you and your family.
Hi Julie,
I am truly sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. You are a beautiful mother and person and I hope your prayers will be answered in the future. Sending you love and positive thoughts.
Take care,
Maeghan
Julie, I don’t even know what to say. My heart breaks for you. This kind of loss is so devastating and we are so thankful that you shared your story with us. There is nothing that can take the pain away but knowing you’re not alone helps. Wishing peace for you and your family.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Julie so sorry to hear this. Sending love and prayers to you and your family. Thank you for sharing and being open and honest about this difficult time.
I am so sorry, Julie and Ryan. My thoughts and prayers go out to you both during this difficult time.
Oh, sweet Julie, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what you are going through. Praying for you and your precious family.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Keep your faith even though I know it would have to be difficult.
Oh Julie, I am so sorry for you loss. I cannot imagine your pain and grief. Sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way!
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine what it is like, and I am praying so hard for you and Ryan and your whole family.
My heart breaks for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Remember what you said at the end of your own post – this “isn’t the end of our journey for another baby”. You are a wonderful person that wants to be a mother, and your journey may continue with, or independent of, pregnancy. You’ll be a beautiful parent to a second child, biological or otherwise.
Julie I am so sorry. I will be saying prayers for you for comfort and for future pregnancies.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and your husband. Sending you guys lots of prayers and strength and hope during this hard time.
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. Praying for strength to guide you through this difficult time.
I am so sorry. I can only imagine your grief, fear, and sadness right now. Thinking of you and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are correct in saying it is just part of your journey on a winding bumpy road. I had two heartbreaking miscarriages in between my two kids. Sharing your journey helps other women realize they are not alone. When I had my miscarriages, I was surprised at the stories that other women shared with me afterwards. Unfortunately, it is something a lot of women don’t talk about. We have to stick together. Take care of yourself and your family. Take time to let yourself heal physically and emotionally.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your perspective is beautiful and so are you.
Julie, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers for strength and love to you.
It breaks my heart to see such a wonderful, loving mother and family going through this. I wish you healing, and I wish you the blessing of another child. ?
Julie,
I am so so sorry. I just said a prayer for you and your family. Will continue prayers.
My husband and I went through something similar before we had our son. I had two miscarriages and it was heart breaking. You’ll get through this. It won’t be easy, but you will. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I have two good friends who have dealt with multiple miscarriages at similar stages and later stages to yours, and it is so hard and just not fair. They have both had successful second (and third) pregnancies after dealing with losses. While I know that probably doesn’t help that much now, sometimes, for me, knowing that there are others who have dealt with similar things brings some peace. Wishing you success on your journey and healing in dealing with all you’ve been through.
I am so very sorry you are going through this again. Everyone’s journey is so different but maybe mine can offer you some hope during this incredibly difficult time. My husband and I (both young and healthy) had 2 miscarriages before my son and daughter were born. They were at 15 and 18 weeks and both confirmed Trisomy 13. They said it was like lightening striking the same place twice and really could not give us any answers. Like you, I never bled and my body never let me know that the babies had passed. The fear we felt when we got pregnant the third time was excruciating, but so was the joy. Every milestone we passed was a major celebration and when he finally arrived I was able to truly recognize what a miracle and a blessing he was because of what we had been through.
One thing that really helped me was finding a doctor with an ultrasound tech that could tell me what she saw as she was seeing it. I hated how with previous ultrasounds I could tell they had found something wrong but had to wait for the doctor to discuss it with me. Having an ultrasound tech who had the autonomy to go over things immediately with us in the room was a big stress reliever for us.
Thinking and praying for your family in these coming weeks and months.
Sending love and light.
Julie- I am sooooo sorry. I know nothing any of us can say can completely take the pain away. It can only give you temporary support. I miscarried twice as well and can only imagine what you are going through- as everyone is different in how they handle it. I know you know you are going to be okay in the end, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting right now. Let yourself feel that hurt. It only makes us stronger. It’s a good thing your doctor is trying to figure out what happened- most won’t. So take it day by day- you will be stronger when you finally get to hold your second child! I have faith.
This absolutely breaks my heart ?. Please know that I am praying for you guys. I can’t thank you enough for being so raw about this with all of us. Big big hugs.
Julie, thank you again for your honesty and openness. My heart breaks for you, Ryan, and Chase. I hope that the test results come swiftly and that you receive answers that help your hearts find peace. We’re thinking about you and completely understand if you need to take a break.