If I had any reservations as to whether or not I wanted to share something so deeply personal on this blog on Friday, every single one of them evaporated the minute your incredibly beautiful, heartbreaking, compassionate, thoughtful and supportive comments began to appear on my blog post and social media channels. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me, thank you for reserving any judgment and meeting me with kindness and compassion during a very painful time in my life.
Your stories – so many of them so incredibly personal – touched me deeply. So much so that I’ve found I cannot not read too many comments at once and have to come back and read everything in small amounts. I hate that this is a pain so many of you have felt before and that some of you are currently experiencing right along with me at this very moment.
Truthfully, I am still making my way through your comments and wish I had the strength to write back to each of you and convey everything I feel in my heart and show all of you the incredible love and support you’ve shown to me. I hope and pray that strength will come soon but I’m trying to give myself time and permission to process everything at my own pace.
On Friday I thought I was okay. I was tearful but smiled and felt joy when Chase made me laugh. I felt so much support from my family and my best friends. We went to the park and I noticed the sunshine. I watched Sadie chase sticks. I cried but I felt hope and I surrounded myself with distractions.
And then on Saturday I felt like I was under a dark cloud and I could not stop the tears.
I cried for our baby. A baby I wish I could’ve given the most amazingly wonderful life, full of love, adventure and laughter. I cried for the unknown. I cried because I cannot refer to our baby as “he” or “she” because I don’t even know the most basic things about our precious little one. I cried because I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant on Saturday and officially entering my second trimester. I cried because Ryan, Chase and I were supposed to be in Sarasota at that very moment, surprising his family with our wonderful news. I cried because I wanted so very badly to be a mother to the baby we lost. Our baby. A baby I will grieve and wonder about and remember forever.
Right now I have moments when I am okay… and moments when I’m not okay. And I think that’s how it’s going to be for a while.
I want to keep blogging through this time in my life because blogging and connecting with all of you is a highlight in my day, every day. I’m not committing myself to a schedule and am telling myself to blog whenever it feels right… about whatever feels right in the moment… if anything at all.
Right now I am trying my best to focus on the blessings I have in my life. I know that joy can coexist during times of grief and even if tears outweigh smiles right now, I have hope and believe in happiness. We are okay and we will be okay. I know this with everything that I am.
I find myself thinking about our baby during moments when I feel weak. I already feel like I am drawing inspiration from our little one when I think about our baby watching over me. I want to make our baby proud. I want to show our baby kindness and strength through the joyful times and the trying times.
Thank you again for the outpouring of love you’ve shown to me and Ryan. To those of you who have been there and have been through so much worse, thank you for opening up, encouraging us and showing us, firsthand, what strength and hope looks like. You are helping us more than you can possibly realize.
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Continued prayers for strength and peace. You are such a loving, beautiful person- know that your openness and courage in sharing your story has and will continue to help so many others feel that they are not alone. Sending immense love your way.
Thank you for your kind words and your prayers, Annie. If there’s one thing I feel like I’ve heard again and again from other women who have been through this, it is how isolating it all can feel. Though our doctor told me the statistics, it wasn’t until I shared our experience that I realized just how heartbreakingly common miscarriage truly is… and how it has touched the lives of some people very close to me who never shared their pain with anyone. The comments and support I’ve received through this blog have honestly helped me more than I ever could’ve imagined and I am so, so grateful for this space and the kindest readers like you.
Sweet julie
I cry as i read your blog. I went through this also and your raw emotions hit me like a train and take me back to that day when time seemed to stop. When it felt like life just stopped. The feeling sand emotions will never leave but i feel you will learn to live with them. I cant offer more than that. I know there are no words that can bring relief. Stay strong, be brave.xxx
Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Goldie. It’s so hard — so much harder than I could’ve imagined but somehow knowing other women have been through it and are okay gives me hope and strength, even though it makes me so sad to know this is so common. I appreciate you sharing something so personal and private with me very, very much. xo
Much love my dear.
For the record I lost my first baby and I then got pregnant a second time shortly after you discovered you were pregnant with Chase. I was an avid reader of PBF anyway but it was strengthened when I got to see your updates (as you can imagine I was a wreck pretty much the whole 9 months). My little boy was born 3 days after Chase! Your blog has been a great source of support throughout.
There is no rhyme or reason to loss. It’s cruel and unfair and unbearable at times. The important thing is that you find a way to carry on. It’s a huge weight to bear, both for you and Ryan, but you’ll be okay. You have a wonderful little family to rally round you. I would definitely recommend going to Meghann’s page over at Meals and Miles. I imagine you probably already do but she writes about her loss and the emotions and sometimes it’s nice to see the words in black and white that mirror your own feelings. I found her blog a huge help too. The other thing I did was went to see a counsellor who specialised in the loss of a baby. She was amazing. I think I had six 1 hour sessions and it helped to have someone outside of my situation listen and confirm that what I was feeling was justified. That I wasn’t going mad swimming in my own grief. If you can have that I really would go. Even if it’s for one session. Just to see if it is the thing for you that can help you organise your thoughts a little.
My thoughts are with you.xxx
I’m so sorry, Julie. This is a grief that is so hard to understand until you are the one who is experiencing it. I miscarried my first pregnancy last year, and it changed my life. In the weeks and months after my loss, I found it helpful to write blog posts (like you are doing), and buy little mementos for my baby. I got attached to the image of a fox, and bought every fox item I could think of as a symbol of hope and love. For the rest of my life, I will have a fox ornament sitting at the top of my christmas tree. In a few months, I’ll actually be getting a tattoo in memory of the baby I lost.
I hate how miscarriage is so common, yet it is rarely spoken of. I hate that we hide our pregnancies for weeks on end just to avoid “having” to tell people if things don’t go the way they planned, as if pain is something that shouldn’t be shared, or loss should be hidden.
Loss is awful, and I’m so sorry.
Dana, your comment made me cry all over again and I am so sorry you’ve experienced this loss. I love the way you found such a special way to remember your precious baby. Thank you for sharing that with me. <3
Dana,
I did this also – I have a small tattoo on the inside of my wrist of a little bird (stands for ‘W’ in hieroglyphics as we had planned to call him William). It was a huge help. It reminds me of the little boy we loved and lost. The reality is that although the pain is excruciating I think most women who lose a baby want to remember. We want to imagine what life would be like with them in it and how things would be different. It’s not wrong and it’s not wrong to speak out about it. Grief is so crushing especially when feeling forced to go through it alone because it’s considered such a “taboo” subject.xxx
Sending as many virtual hugs and prayers as possible, sweet friend. I have so appreciated your willingness to be fully transparent, and open, and honest, and raw. You are encouraging so many women I am sure, and everyone is rooting for you and your sweet family. You are a good mama.
One day at a time……we will all be there with you sending prayers and strength for you. Thank you for being you!
We took Sadie on a hike yesterday and I said the exact same thing as we were walking. One day at a time, one step at a time… Thank you for your encouragement. <3
Hi Julie. After years of infertility, I was pregnant after an IUI. We went to an appointment at 7 weeks and our baby was measuring small, but we maintained hope. A week later, we found out via ultrasound that our baby had not survived. I remember going through so many emotions. I wanted to be able to cry, but I also wanted to be strong. I wanted no one and everyone to know all at once. And I remember driving home from work in the following weeks and thinking about that baby nonstop. I thought about my due date. I knew each week how far along I should be. I thought about that baby a lot. And then some days not as much. Nine months later, I became pregnant with our now 19 month old. I still think about that pregnancy and know that it had to have happened for a reason. And now I have come to find out that so many people I know have suffered in the same way. It’s amazing how when you allow yourself to reach out, what kind of love and support you find. I think having lost your baby after already going through a pregnancy once is even more devastating because you have been through it before. You know what to expect, you know that love in a way that only a parent knows. It won’t be easy, but it will get easier. You are so strong and have such an amazing support system. I thank you so much for sharing yourself with all of us!
I am so sorry you’ve experienced this loss and infertility. I can only imagine all of the emotions you felt. I am so, so happy to hear you have a healthy 19 month old to bring you joy and make you smile. Thank you for giving me hope and for opening up to me. I appreciate it very much.
Oh, my heart breaks for you! Please know what you are feeling is normal. I suffered a late miscarriage at 17 weeks (almost exactly two years ago today). Like you I had no “symptoms” and was blindsided at my doctor’s appointment. Love and prayers of family and friends carried me through the tough weeks that followed. Lifting you up with love, prayers, and positive energy from Kansas.
I’m so sorry you’ve been there and even further along in your pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Sending love your way, too. <3
I have been reading your blog for a long time and have never commented, but I just wanted to let you know that I was very touched by your post and I am so sorry for your loss. I also experienced a miscarriage early last year, and I can tell you that you may still have some bad days and that’s ok! I don’t think it’s something that you ever get over. You will definitely start having a lot more good days, but the grief may still surprise you long afterwards. I actually just had another wave of grief hit me this weekend after I heard a song that reminded me of my pregnancy, and my miscarriage was almost a year ago.
You are definitely not alone and if I have learned anything through this process, is that there are so many women who have similar experiences who can be there to stand by your side and understand exactly what you are going through! Sending lots of love and prayers for your way!
Julie, I have already written this on your Facebook page, but I was 12 weeks at the same time as you and I’m now seeing we had the exact same due date… 8/12/17. Praying for you.
I am wishing you the very best and hope you have a healthy pregnancy and delivery. <3 I hope our little one watches over you and your little one. <3 <3
Sorry I wasn’t clear. We lost our sweet baby too. I miscarried on 1/9.
The hardest thing I am having a time with is that I was so focused and excited about the distance apartment my babies would be.. it would have been 26 months. Hugs to you.
Oh my gosh this is so heartbreaking. I cannot believe our close timeline. I am so, so sorry and wish we didn’t have this in common. You are in my prayers. <3
Julie, my thoughts and prayers have been with you and Ryan all weekend. I am so sorry for your loss and I know that God will bring you through this hard time.
I also wanted to thank you for sharing this because I know it is helping so many others who have been through a similar situation. I’ve been reading your blog for several years and you are a beautiful person inside and out.
Thank you for continuing to be so honest and open about your feelings and circumstances.
After 2 easy and healthy pregnancies we were so excited about a 3rd. At 10 weeks we learned it was a missed miscarriage. I had miscarried and didn’t know. My body was continuing the pregnancy. I was mad at my body for not “knowing”. I was shocked and embarrassed that I felt so much love and hope and attachment to a baby I didn’t even know. I was stunned that it happened to us. The D&C was quick and I was grateful for it. Every time milestone I saw on the calendar made me think of the baby that wasn’t to be and I missed him or her.
The whole thing made me realize how desperately I wanted another child and a few months later I got pregnant with my precious “rainbow baby”. She just turned one. Occasionally I wonder about the other baby and who they would’ve been. I am so grateful for this precious baby who fillls our hearts and hands with love.
You are so obviously an Amazing mama. I know you have lots of love to give. Sending prayers that your rainbow baby will be on his or her way just as soon as your body and heart are ready. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself heal fully physically and take time with the emotional healing. Xo
One thing I will also say is to give yourself plenty of grace….talking to my friends that experienced the same thing, they would have days they would be okay, and then days where they struggled. I think that is to expected, and is all part of the grieving process. I really commend you for speaking out though….I think it is so helpful for others who may be going through the same thing. Hugs to you!
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage in August and it totally rocked my world. Besides being with my 2-year-old son (who was the best medicine around!), reading blog posts like yours to know that I wasn’t alone in my loss and grief was immensely helpful. I went back and found posts from blogs I had been reading for years, before I’d even started reading them, so know that these posts will be helping others likely for years to come. In the meantime, take care of yourself and try to get as many snuggles from Chase and Sadie as possible – they truly are healing!
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I feel your pain deeply. My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy which wasn’t discovered until the tube was getting ready to rupture. I needed emergency surgery and was all alone as my husband was a three hour drive away for work. He made it there later but not before I was wheeled into surgery not knowing if they could save my tube and not having any loved ones with me prior. My next two pregnancies were miscarriages. I then miscarried a twin I didn’t know I was carrying until I was in the throws of the miscarriage. Thankfully during the ultrasound they saw two sacks, one with a heartbeat and one without. God blessed me with the survivor and 20 months later with another baby. Please know you are not alone. Just when I was about to give up, I was able to have a successful pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your story and know you are surrounded by unconditional love and support.
Hi Julie. I’m a long time reader and I just want you to know how sorry I am to hear about your loss. I had a miscarriage when I was in college. It was horrible especially because everyone told me it was for the best. My boyfriend at the time (now husband of almost 10 years) didn’t understand and he didn’t mourn the same way I did…I think he was sad but secretly relieved. I remember feeling so alone. We now have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and are happy but it’s always in the back of my mind. You will never forget your sweet angel but you will be able to be happy again. I’m praying for you and your husband.
Hey Julie – I have enjoyed your blog since the early years! While I haven’t had the tragic loss of a miscarriage, my husband and I received news early last year that we would likely not be able to have children of our own. I am still processing what that means and each day feels different. Take your time and process your emotions, think about reaching out for counsel if talking might help untie the emotional knots – not so that you rush through it and “get over it” but so that you don’t lose your joy and perspective. Thanks for sharing Julie – hugs to you and Ryan <3
Thank you for sharing – the statistics about miscarriage are so startling when we compare them to the conversation surrounding it. If one in three women had ACL surgery, we’d talk about that all the time, but here, with something so much more personally intense, we rarely speak out. I know it’s hard, but sharing your story of grief and healing is serving so many more women than you can imagine. Thank you for reminding me to hug the family I have a little tighter. Wishing you comfort and a rainbow in your future.
Hi Julie! I am so sorry. My heart broke for you when I read your post on Friday. I am 9 weeks pregnant today and have been constantly looking back at your posts from your pregnancy with Chase. Your posts today and Friday, although devastating, are good reminders to take this crazy process one day at a time and if it doesn’t go as planned, we are not alone and it will be okay. Thank you for writing such personal, honest posts through both the good and the bad. Sending so much love your way!
Kelly
Even though we’ve never met (I am just one of your many readers that love your blog) I have read your blog for years. I read your post on Friday and felt for you as I would a friend! Sharing your story will help more people than you’ll ever know. You and Ryan have been in my thoughts and prayers since I read your post and was happy to get an update today. Continue to grieve at your own pace and spend this time with your wonderful husband, beautiful little boy, adorable Sadie and the rest of your family/friends!
I cannot even begin to know what you are dealing with as I am not even a mother yet but I can believe that it is overwhelmingly hard. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and will continue to do so <3 thank you for sharing your life with us ((all of it)) and being so honest and real.
Julie, I thought about you all weekend. Keep focusing on the blessings in your life and you will get through this.
I always read through my Feedly in the morning while I pump. It’s sort of my release and attempt to distract myself from the pump. This morning I hoped for a post from you, because I knew if you were blogging that meant you were okay, even if just for a few minutes. I’m so heartbroken for you. I don’t have any advice, just hugs. Lots and lots of virtual hugs. Weird how we’ve never met, but I feel so strongly for you guys. I’ll gladly welcome a blog post about whatever you decide feels good for that day. Much love and hugs, Julie.
*sigh* I’m so sorry, Julie. Grief is hard. One of the best books I’ve read in dealing with my own grief is A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sitter. It was such a comfort to me.
Julie, you are such a strong woman and have the best support system around you. I hate that you have to go through this–and I hate that so many of your readers have gone through this too. However, I am glad that you have so many people to talk to and help you get through this difficult time. I wish I had more advice or better words, but all I have are prayers and sending love/hugs your way.
Julie,
I know we don’t really know each other, but I thought about you and your family all weekend. I love reading your blog and I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Thank you for being brave enough to share such a painful loss with others. I know your words are helpful to so many. Please know that it’s okay not to feel okay. Just feel what you feel. Take care of yourself as best as you can. You sound like an incredible mother. Chase and Ryan are so lucky to have you!
Love and healing,
Caitie
Just love you so very much. It’s okay not to be okay. You are doing a fantastic job at processing and healing and we are all here for you for whatever you need. xoxox
Hi Julie, thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and intimate reflection on this sorrowful time in your life. I think you put it best when you described finding ways to feel joy and connection with the world and people and things you love amid the tears. I truly believe it’s important and crucial to our sanity to feel your feelings and process them at your own pace. I was thinking of you this weekend and decided to make your whole wheat pumpkin muffins to share with my boyfriend, friends and coworkers. I find baking to be very therapeutic and a way to put some love out into the world. I hope you are able to find moments of peace and comfort during this difficult time, and I am so sorry for your loss.
You are in my prayers and hope you find peace!! You have a gift with your words though and I know sharing your story will help so many others. Take all the time you need to heal!!
Sarah
I felt this exact same way after my loss in October. I was surprised to have some moments shortly after where I felt like myself but then others where all I wanted to do was cry since I was still struggling to accept what had happened. I probably went to back to work too soon since I wanted so badly to feel normal again. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster those first few weeks so I would recommend not pushing yourself too hard – work out if you feel like it, blog if it makes you happy, and don’t worry about social commitments that might only make the hard feelings resurface. I share your passion for exercising so going to work out classes or for long walks with my husband helped the most since they provided a welcome distraction. Another thing my husband and I did was plan an impromptu mini vacation together. I had a work trip to London already planned for later that month, and fortunately my husband was able to join me for a few days. It felt so nice to get away for a few days and make new, exciting memories together. If you, Ryan, and Chase are able to do something fun together as a family in a few weeks, I would highly encourage it. Thank you again for being so open with us. Wishing you and your family lots of comfort during this time.
Thank you so very much, Julie, for sharing your story. There are so many things about pregnancy and loss that are rarely spoken about. Your courage is helping so many women, myself included. Thank you.
This post is written in response to someone losing his/her best friend, but the concept about grief is the same for the losing anyone (the link is titled oddly, I know). The waves of grief are well described and may help you feel understood. Everyone experiences those waves differently.
https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever
<3 <3 <3
I am thinking of you and praying for you during this difficult time. I am also glad that you are taking the time and grieving at your own pace. My cousin went through something similar and still wanted her son to know about and think about the baby. She talks about the baby and asks her son – “Where did Cooper grow” (her son is Cooper) and her son would reply “In Mommy’s tummy” and then she would ask “Where does Baby grow” and Cooper responds “In Momma’s heart.” It’s a special way to always remember the baby she never got to meet, but loved so deeply. Sending you all the love.
Thank You so much for sharing, I’ve had a loss at 13 weeks and one at 5 weeks. My loss at 13 weeks was really hard because I had just heard a strong heartbeat the day before so it was a huge shock. I have moments where I am fine and the next I feel the pain like it just happened. My thoughts are with you and your family during this time.
You are helping so many others by sharing your story!
So sorry for your loss Julie <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s such a hard thing for a mother to go through. I thought over time the pain would go away…but it never truly does. It just gets easier to go through the days. I went through the same thing before I had Cayden. And unfortunately again when I was diagnosed with the big C. It’s ok to not be ok. And it’s ok to cry. Sometimes just letting it all out makes things better…in a weird way. I was supposed to be due next month, I’ve been having a rough few days, and this next month isn’t going to be any easier. I’m right there with you ❤ you’ll always have an angel watching over you. Sending you all my love ❤
Julie & Ryan,
I am so sorry for the loss of your child. My heart & prayers go out to you. I wanted to share something that has helped my friends when she had her miscarriages ; she would name her baby. Even though you don’t know the gender they still named baby because then they could talk about the baby with a name instead of a it. I have never gone through a miscarriage but I have had 2 threatened abortions h the can’t imagine your loss. Please know you have so many people praying for you right now.
Psalms 139:18
& when I wake up You are there with me.
He is walking right beside you Julie. I pray for strength & peace during this time.
I am praying for you and sending you love.
Ive been following this amazing woman on Insta for a few years now and she has written a book about grief and loss…its an amazing book.
https://www.amazon.com/Landons-Legacy-Amelia-Kathryn-Barnes/dp/1367334780
Hang in there. You have a wonderful little angel watching over you. I’ve got three angel babies watching over me and my two little guys. It’s not an easy process and those dates will always stick out your head. The what if’s will always be there. You are brave for sharing it all and the world needs more people like you to share your story. I always find myself focusing on what we do have and remembering our babies watching over us.
Hi Julie & family. Longtime reader here; first time commenter (hailing from Palatine, IL!). I’m so, so, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how awful this feels for you. In addition to condolences, I wanted to tell you that I feel gratitude and admiration for your bravery in sharing your tragedy with us. I hope it gives you some comfort to know that sharing with us helps break down that weird wall of the ridiculous stigma of miscarriage. Your feelings are of course incredibly valid, and you should feel them as long as you need to. I hope you continue to feel comfortable in sharing how you’re doing with us – we all care very much! My prayers are with you and your family (including your tiny baby). And, again, thank you for sharing.
Love to you and your family Julie. You are in my prayers. <3
It never ceases to amaze me how I have been reading your blog for 6 years and your wording on ANY emotional subject makes me cry right along with you. I can’t relate to your situation as I’ve never even had 1 child of my own, but you are a beautiful person with a wonderful circle of loved ones and I know they will be there for you every step of the way. Know that your posts bring me joy and take your time healing. The love you have for this baby you never met…….puts me as a loss of words.
Julie, I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this. I am heartbroken for you. Praying that God will bring you a peace and comfort as you move forward. ❤️
xox my thoughts are with you Julie.
Your transparency during this awful time is so beaufitul in its heartfelt honesty and I thank you for sharing your life with us in all the ups and downs. Surely dozens will be comforted by you and you’re so brave to open up to the blog world this way. Again, as I said before, sending so much love and prayers to your family. ♥
WHat a terrible thing to experience. Im so sorry for your loss. It’s not easy, but focusing on the VERY blessed life you lead is important. As someone that works in poor areas of the country and witnesses the most heartbreaking things every day of my life, I assure you life WILL IMPROVE FOR YOU. You are so fortunate, and so, so much luckier than the majority.
I completely understand! I am praying for you and your family❤. Thank you for sharing your story! The enemy always wants you to believe that you are the only one. My heartbreaks with yours. You’re gong to be ok! Love to you!
Love you to all ends of the earth…here for you through each happy and sad sad day day
Beautiful Julie give yourself as much time as you need. It is a roller coaster. I had a toddler to take care of when I had my miscarriage like you. It’s a wonderful distraction and painful at the same time. I will never forget my due date. 10/22/05. You will heal but you will never forget. A piece of your heart, memory and love will forever be with your baby. It’s ok. God bless you. Hugs.
I’m so sorry you are going through this but thank you for sharing with us. We lost one of our twins unexpectedly at 34 weeks almost two years ago. His twin sister is happy and healthy and now we also have an 8 month old boy. It is so hard and raw in the beginning but letting yourself cry and talk about it will help so much! Praying for you!