Earlier this week, I found out my body miscarried our baby. Do I say I miscarried our fifth baby because this has already happened twice before? Do I say I miscarried our third baby because we have two healthy boys? I hate that these are thoughts I have in my head because this is a place we’ve been in the past.
Ryan and I knew we wanted another baby and were thrilled when I found out I was pregnant again in July. I took a pregnancy test at home while Ryan was at work and when I saw the positive result, I couldn’t wait until he got home to tell him. I called him, creepily asked him if he was alone, and then told him I was pregnant. We were so, so excited.
I was hit with some intense fatigue a few weeks in and felt very bloated. I kept waiting for nausea to surface (I seem to get very nauseated early on in my pregnancies) but it never did. Something about the way I was feeling and our past losses made me keep my guard up, but that is also the way I seem to approach pregnancy anyway. I know a positive pregnancy test does not automatically mean I will be snuggling a perfect, precious baby in my arms in nine months. I miss the days when I believed this and pregnancy didn’t come along with intense anxiety and fear.
Ryan and I went in for my first prenatal ultrasound last Monday. I was eight weeks pregnant and during our ultrasound I learned that our baby was measuring six weeks. A heartbeat could not be detected. My heart dropped. Though I was very confident about our dates and the timing of my pregnancy, I understood the doctor’s concerns when he explained that my ultrasound wasn’t a definitive loss simply because sometimes heartbeats cannot be heard at six weeks and there’s always the chance my ovulation/our conception date was later than I thought.
What followed were a series of appointments and ultrasounds as my doctor tried to figure out whether my body was in the process of miscarrying, whether I already lost the baby or whether there was a sliver of hope and my pregnancy might be viable.
(Beautiful flowers from Ryan after finding out we had another little one on the way.)
This limbo period of not knowing whether or not I was miscarrying was horrible. I’d love to say I felt positive and hopeful during this time but I didn’t. The only way I know how to explain it is to say I felt a deep knowledge within me that told me our baby was not okay. My doctor encouraged me to go about my normal life which felt simultaneously impossible and also very necessary because I needed distraction.
Earlier this week, during yet another ultrasound, our loss was confirmed. Just like with my two previous miscarriages, I didn’t show any physical signs of a loss and experienced no bleeding or cramping. I believe my body tries really hard to hold onto my babies. I want so badly to hold onto my babies. But sometimes no amount of love and longing can change reality.
This time, since my loss was earlier, I decided to take medication to help my body pass our baby rather than have a third D&C. I had so much fear about the process of physically passing our baby on my own and broke down sobbing to Ryan as I thought about what was about to come. I also worried the medication wouldn’t work for my body and I’d end up in the hospital for another D&C. Thankfully everything began progressing about four hours after I took the medicine and I didn’t experience severe cramping or need pain relief medication — all small blessings I tried to hold onto during a horrible situation. After a week of not knowing what was happening with our baby and my body, I’m glad I have answers even if the answers bring me to tears and hurt my heart with serious intensity.
Right now I may still physically be bleeding but I’m also healing. I’m doing okay. I know I’ll have waves of sadness for a long time but I know I’m strong. After sharing our two previous losses so publicly in this space, I learned firsthand just how common this struggle is and how helpful it is for me to connect with other women who have been where I’ve been before.
Part of me considered keeping our third loss to myself because, to be quite honest, I feel like I’ve talked about miscarriage so much in this space and I’m not after sympathy. I know my struggle pales in comparison to what others go through on their journey to have a child and my heart aches for anyone who experiences the most intense desire for a child that is currently unfulfilled. It’s horrible, heart-wrenching and so consuming.
In this space I love sharing so many things with you guys but my life is at the heart of this blog and my life includes loss, pain and heartache. This blog has never been a place to only share my good moments but, if our previous losses have taught me anything, it’s to still try to look for the good moments through the bad. And I am.
I see them in my family. I see them in Ryder, our beautiful, smiley rainbow baby who came after one of the most challenging times of my life. I see them in Chase who makes me laugh every day, even when I have sadness in my heart. I see them in Ryan who only ever makes me feel loved completely and supported unconditionally. This is where I’m trying to focus my thoughts and my energy because my family gives me strength and helps me find joy through the grief. And you guys do, too.
I truly value your readership and the kind words and prayers you’ve sent my way over the years. It means so much to me and I hope you know how much I appreciate your support, especially during the hard times. Thank you for your love and thank you for visiting my blog and making it feel like a place where I can pour my heart out to you, even when my blog posts read like one big, jumbled mess of emotions. I appreciate you all so much and for those of you who opened up to me and shared your stories of loss with me following our previous miscarriages, I want to thank you again. You truly have no idea how much you helped me and continue to help me as I find myself back in a similar place again.
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Thinking of you! Thank you for continuing to share. ❤️
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Oh Julie I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say except sending you love, hugs and prayer. I can’t imagine. I’ve lost 1 that I know of and that was extremely painful. God loves you dearly beautiful one. There are no answers. May He wrap you up in His comfort, peace and strength sweetness. God bless you and your family.
I’m so sorry Julie. I’ve been a reader for years- before yours and my sweet babies, and before your losses, and my loss as well. We don’t really know each other but I hurt with you, and am sending you and your family lots of love. ?
Miscarriage is so painful. Sending you a great big hug & lots of love Julie, and wishing you a speedy recovery.
Thank you for sharing Julie, I can see your post is so honest and pure. I’m very sorry for your loss, sending you lots of love
I wish there were any kind of words for this. None feel big enough, or u understanding enough, or emotional enough. I’ve been there, and even firsthand incouldnt truly verbalize it. So, ❤.
So sorry for your loss, sending prayers and thoughts to you and your family <3
Julie, I’m a long time reader and seeing this my heart hearts for you. Thank you for your courage in sharing it. I have someone very close to me in my life who has also had 3 angel babies now. She doesn’t talk about it (which is totally ok) but the way you have shared your experiences with us has truly helped me to understand and support her, and to just be a better human to anyone going through a painful loss. Your words and your story matter. Sending you lots of love ?
There are truly no words. Thinking of you all and sending healing thoughts.
Dear Julie: I have followed your blog for many years. My heart is breaking for you. Hopefully, the love and support of your family, friends, and your online community will be a warm blanket of comfort to you. Sending you my hugs, thoughts , and prayers.
Julie, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish there was something I could say that would help you to hurt less, but I know there isn’t. I’m sending you and your family so much love. Thank you for always sharing with so much courage in this space that you’ve created.
My heart hurts so bad for you this morning. The pain of miscarriage is familiar to me. Your story is very similar to mine. You’re not alone, but I understand how lonely and personal this feels. As the mother, no one has felt that bond to your baby like you have.
Sweet Julie .. thank you for being so honest and real, you are supported and loved .. you are so strong and vulnerable. Sending you all the hugs, thoughts and prayers
I suffered my first miscarriage with my first pregnancy in June at 6 weeks. One of the things I did in the first few days was turn to your posts about your experiences. My husband and I weren’t ready yet to share with our loved ones so reading your struggles made me feel less alone and gave me great comfort. Thank you for your vulnerability and the comfort you provide to so many. My heart aches For you.
Julie, I am so so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will make it better, but please know that you are loved and that there is a God that is holding on so tightly to your three little ones, just as he will hold tightly to you in this time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and give yourself permission to feel your emotions fully because they are all valid.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
Julie, my love, hugs and shared grief I send your way . We would’ve been due the same time, and to know someone else is struggling makes my heart hurt so much . We lost our 5th pregnancy the same way, and it’s so awful to not have that physical release at the same time as the emotional. I fully count all my pregnancies, I always say I have one son but 4 other pregnancies because not including them for some reason to me feels like I’m not honouring them so do what feels right for you. I know my words are probably not helping but know I am with you, I’m here if you need anything and I feel the waves of sadness and happiness in this weird world of grief. I was telling my mom the other day, I too didn’t want to share the pregnancy news or the miscarriage news because sometimes though others support is so helpful, it often feels like a responsibility on me to figure out how I’m feeling in that moment when often I have no clue, even after every miscarriage I still don’t know how to grieve , and yet people want to be there but I just don’t have the words and so I make things up, which makes it more confusing.
I know time is all that will mend our hearts and the laughs and smiles we see through our amazing families. Sending you all my love xo
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is one of the most painful things a woman can go through. It’s a pain that we shouldn’t feel the need to hide. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are able to heal quickly.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been a long time reader of yours and my heart goes out to you and your family during this time. I am sure you are snuggling all your boys and pup extra tight these days, they will keep you smiling and your heart full. Take care of you!
I know your pain, Julie, and I am so sorry. Sending you love and hugs.
I have been a long time reader and thank you so much for sharing all of your stories. You are a very special person and my heart aches for you and your family. I am sending prayers, love and hugs your way. Please take care of yourself, we all love you and care about you.
I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I have not personally had a miscarriage but have seen my sister-in-law go through it more times than I want to say. She has 4 beautiful smiling babies now. The struggle is real and I appreciate you putting your heart out there. I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a hug. Thinking of you and your boys. <3
I appreciate so much your ability to be open and honest in this space. I am the type who will keep these things to myself but knowing I had your blog and others to turn to made me feel comforted during my recent loss. I understand how hard this must be and pray for another sweet rainbow baby in your arms soon.
I am so sorry to hear this Julie – you are such a joyful, loving, mother to your boys! Sending you lots of love, prayers, and hugs during this tough time. I know Ryan will take wonderful care of you as work through this loss. Thank you for sharing your life, your story helps so many others!
I am so, so sorry Julie. You’re such a beautiful soul. This is NOT your fault, you are NOT being punished, you did nothing wrong, my dear. I hope you take as much time and space as you need to grieve this hurt. Everything you feel is ok. We all love you and support you so much. Sending so much love.
I’m so very sorry of both of your loss :(((
I also had two miscarriages and when I got pregnant the third time I changed doctors at the beginning and found out I had LOW PROGESTERONE they gave me progesterone and it helped to keep baby in I also did not experience nausea the normal quote things you would feel and that’s part of the
LOW PROGRSTRONE!!!!
Please ask your doctor about progesterone maybe that’s what you need.
I’m so, so sorry, Julie. Sending love to you and Ryan right now.
Julie,
I have been a long time reader, and this makes my heart break for you. Thank you for sharing and I hope that you have found some comfort through writing. You are such a blessing to so many through your positive attitude and lifestyle-please accept our prayers and thoughts for you!
Julie – praying for you in your recovery and feeling your pain. Thank you for being so open and honest – I had a miscarriage this January and your posts made me feel like I was not alone. Wishing I could give you a hug or send you a meal!
I should be just about 12 weeks right now, but instead am recovering from a D&C I had done yesterday. I’m a long time reader of your blog (since the very beginning actually, but never commented til now), and have always loved how you put yourself out there. When I learned on Wednesday that my baby had stopped developing weeks ago and no longer had a heartbeat, I turned to your old posts on your first 2 losses. It made me feel less alone rereading your story and all the comments from other readers who experienced similar things. We learned we lost our baby almost identically to how you did with your first loss. The pain is all consuming and very fresh right now, as I’m sure yours is as well. But I am confident that God has great things in store for both of us in the future. Sending you lots of love and prayers right now.
This post brings tears to my eyes – I’m so sorry. Long time reader who has followed along with your other losses and experienced two myself. It’s never easy to get through. Thinking of you!
Sending you love. I’m sorry you are going through this. I have had 2 miscarriages, and they seemed to be around the same time that you were going through the same. I was in tears reading your words and also, very comforted by your writing and the way you found words to describe how painful, odd, confusing it can be. I had my second child shortly after you had yours too and again found joy in your joy. If I have learned anything from the journey of being a Mom and from the journey of loss, it’s that I can face anything. And so can you. Feel your feelings and when you can smile, do so. Hugs.
oooooh Julie, my heart hurts for you all. I am so sorry to hear about this loss. and the compounding thoughts it must bring. Keep your boys close this weekend and get some rest. all the best to you and your family.
My heart is so heavy for you and your family. Love and prayers from Boston! God will carry you through.
I am so sorry, Julie. My heart ached for you and your family while I read your post. It brings back so much emotions. I’ve had three miscarriages and each one hurt a little more than the last. I hate anyone has to go through it; I hate our pregnancy innocence is taken away each time because the fear of loss is always front and center; I hate it made me question my body for what it couldn’t do for our family; I hate I had to pause at the OB/GYN office two months ago when the nurse asked me “how many pregnancies have you had?” I guess she could tell my internal struggle: “Do I say five but only two live children (thank you, Lord!)?” “Do I just say I have two children and take away those other three that mean so much to me still?” It just all sucks at so many levels. Please know you’re not alone, and please know that I appreciate so much your openness. I know the tears fell while you typed such a personal and emotional post to share. Please take care of yourself, ever how that self care looks for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sending so many prayers to you and your family at this time. Thank you for sharing your life and your journey with us- it means a lot.
I am so very sorry to hear the news about your sweet baby. Praying for you all ?
Oh Julie, My Heart break’s for you. You are STRONG and One of the most Amazing women that I have gotten to know
Thru your Blog. Keep your Faith and eventually time will heal these emotions.❤️
Julie, I recently shared this on a facebook page I keep about the highs and lows of motherhood…
I was feeling so off yesterday. But that is always the case with August 29th. It’s a date that is important to me but not a date I’d ever expect anyone to acknowledge…not even my husband or other loved ones. I think of it as a day that is significant to me because when you find out you are pregnant, that day becomes important, no matter what. And five years ago yesterday, I found out I was pregnant for the second time. My due date was 5/5/15 and five has always been my lucky number, so it just felt perfect. I took Tyler to Target and we got him a big brother t-shirt and balloons at Party City. I took adorable photos of him that I have never shown to anyone, that are kept safe in my nightstand. I have a video somewhere of the exact moment Dan realized what Tyler’s shirt said and his reaction. I’ve told my husband I am pregnant three times (on 7/18/10, 8/29/14, and 4/16/15) and that’s the only reaction I have on video. That pregnancy turned into a nightmare rather quickly and the weeks that we continued on in limbo and the months that followed our loss were tough ones. August 29th and May 5th went from being happy days to tough days. I look at my Brady daily and know that he was meant to be, that our path toward holding him in our arms was just a bit longer and bumpier than our path to having his big brother. I always feel like there are no replacements but there can be additions that bring so much joy. And we feel beyond blessed and so happy to have our rainbow baby.
I was chatting with a friend of mine yesterday, who had no idea I was having an off day, yet she said something so significant that helped me a lot. She said, “I want to look back on situations that may have been tough at times but I want to remember the happy moments.” And I thought, yes, that is so smart, in so many aspects of life. Instead of my normal thoughts that miscarriages suck and are so unfair, I was able to stop and remind myself that 8/29/14 was one of the happiest days of my entire life, and always will be, regardless of the pain that followed. For the first time ever I thought, “Dan and I got to experience that pregnancy excitement together three different times.” And that felt special, rather than sad. I definitely want to remember the happy moments.
I am so sorry you are going through this again. I’ve had three losses myself and they do not get easier. Sending you love and light as you grieve this loss and hope for the future.
You and your family are in my thoughts. Thank you for being open and sharing your story and your heartache. I know you make a difference for all who read…whether they share your experiences or not. Be gentle with yourself…
Love to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing. Sending you hope and good toughts.
So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family as I squeeze my rainbow baby extra tight tonight.
I’m so sorry Julie. I had my son two years ago, and this year had 2 miscarriages. After they happened, I went back and read your previous posts, and found them very validating of my experience. Thank you for talking about this so authentically.
Julie, sending you prayers and love that you process each emotion as it comes during this challenging time. I had read your miscarriage posts years back, and when I started to miscarry last fall I quickly revisited them to understand what was to come physically and emotionally. I can’t emphasize how calming they were since at those moments I didn’t know someone who had been through it. My husband ended up publishing a piece about how it was from his perspective and similar to you, we felt an out pouring of support from many (many!) who have gone through it. And now even a few friends have called when it happened to them to have a release and ask questions. THANK YOU! I sit here now, cradling our 1 week old rainbow baby (who arrived 4 weeks early!) and feel such peace and assurance that SHE was the one meant for us. I hope you can keep your faith that the baby that is meant for you and your family in this chapter is coming, and you will come to know more of about your losses at another time. Love and light
Julie, I want to let you know how heartbroken I am for you, but also how much reading your blog post meant to me. I am currently experiencing the same exact thing at the same exact moment. We also found out in July that we were expecting. Since I had a miscarriage back in January, my OB had me come in at 6 weeks for my first ultra sound, where we were told that the pregnancy was not viable and that we were going to lose yet another baby. Just like you, this was also my 5th pregnancy (we are blessed to have 3 children but have been trying for baby #4). Part of me feels so incredibly blessed that I have 3 beautiful children but then the other part of me is completely broken after losing 2 babies in a row. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone and helping me feel like I am not alone in this. Praying for you and your sweet family.
Julie please know that my sincerest condolences are coming your way. I am a long time reader and have watched you have both of your beautiful babies as well as the heartache you have gone through.
You are so open, raw and honest with all of us when you certainly do not have to. Please know I am sending you hugs and praying that the love from your sons, Ryan, your family and friends will bring you much comfort.
Take care of yourself. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
You are a strong, brave woman for sharing your loss(es).
“I know that my Redeemer lives.
What comfort this sweet sentence gives.
He lives, he lives who once was dead.
He lives, me ever-living Head!”
“He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my anxious heart.
He lives all blessings to impart.”
“I Know That My Redeemer Lives”
Julie, I have never before commented on your blog, but I read every new post! May your faith in our loving Savior who has conquered death be your comfort in this dark time. May you turn to Him and find life and peace. He is a rock and a strong tower. And Jesus loves your sweet baby, even more than you do, though it seems impossible. You are in my prayers.